#open journal

Favorite way to add to my journal recently:

aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAHGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok. Feeling better now.

This was a question asked by my therapist during one of my earlier sessions. The first part of the question had something to do with the way I always had difficulty with being accepted by others. "No." I thought, but I couldn't answer that way because I didn't know exactly why that was.

Only now has it hit me the reason why it has been difficult for me to like myself and show up authentically. That reason is because I never was able to protect myself from others' manipulation and abuse. That's the why. I always felt as if I were the problem when it came down to how I was being treated by others. I didn't feel capable of protecting myself from them so I automatically felt as if I was the problem.

I always held it against myself as a personal failure that I could never get along with others, even though that really wasn't the full truth of it all. I was always capable of getting along with others, but because of how I had been treated by some of my relatives over the years, I developed an intense case of self-consciousness. I always felt like people were watching my every move to judge and criticize me. Because of that, I always felt as if I had to correct myself or "keep myself in line" so that no one else would do it first.

What I never realized is just how controlling that is. I always thought that I was doing the other people in my life favors by staying out of the way and making it all easy for them. Sounds good on paper, but I didn't know that when I did that, I was just making life for myself harder. I also never realized that I was making it much more difficult for the future me to feel confident in just showing up to relationships and connections neutrally and without expectation.

This takes so much of the pressure off. Yes, I still crave connection on both a friendship level and on an intimate level, but I also realize that it is something that I am much better off forgetting about. Sure, I deserve these things as I am very much human and deserving of having those needs met, but I am also deserving of not constantly holding it against myself as a personal failure for not feeling stable in either arena.

Pada dasarnya… Kita dipertemukan dengan cara yang tidak sengaja. Tetapi, kenyataannya berbeda.

Tuhan telah menuliskan semuanya. Mulai dari pertemuan kita; Kisah kasih yang kita rangkai Bersama luka dan perih; Hingga titik di mana perpisahan datang Menghantam kita berdua hingga tak berdaya.

Atas waktu yang telah berlalu. Aku bersyukur telah dicintai oleh Manusia sepertimu. Tidak ada penyesalan. Hanya ada air mata yang menggenang; Oleh sebab kita tak mampu Mempertahankan semuanya.

Perjalanan kita tak semulus yang mereka kira. Luka, duka, canda dan tawa; Melebur serta membaur Menjadi satu kesatuan. Pada waktu ke waktu; Selalu ada luka dan bahagia menyelimutinya.

Perhaps my standards of living are too high for the government so slick, so sly. To want affordable food, to want affordable care. To want affordable shelter and to work on my hair. To ask for anything I ask for too much, and the ungrateful take from me and such.

Maybe I don't cut myself on the outside but I desperately feel the urge on the inside.