The Healing Mindset

As much as we may not like it, sometimes, we do have to be "cruel".

This is not to say that we go around intentionally causing harm to others, even those who hurt us, but we may eventually reach a point where we have to set a hard boundary with someone in a way that we may not like but that we know will be effective.

This is not to hurt anyone else, but to protect ourselves.

Sometimes, people can get extremely comfortable with crossing over our boundaries and expecting us to continue putting up with that and abandoning ourselves for their chaos. That, however; is not sustainable.

With this being said, you may experience this in reverse.

A person may continue to do wrong by you then when you proceed to call them out on their behavior, they choose to set the above healthy boundaries in an effort to appear principled and justified in their behavior toward you, and as a way to avoid accountability.

If you have to sacrifice yourself to keep a certain connection, then that connection is not good for you. Plain and simple.

It can be difficult to let go of. A connection where you are sacrificing yourself. This is because it may make you feel as though you are doing something noble. By giving yourself, you may feel like you are providing someone else with the opportunity or the chance to grow.

Look at it this way, however.

If they didn't grow in all the time that they had before they met you, then why would they do so now?

Love?

Possibly, but the other person has to really have the desire to change should that be a factor. This works sometimes, but most times, it does not.

We give ourselves over to those who can't fully receive us.

Sometimes, we think we're doing them a favor by continuing to give, not realizing that they don't have the tools necessary to handle what we are in their lives.

Or, they may just be completely ambivalent to your presence.

Whatever the case, this is not right for us in the long run. Eventually, we can begin to feel as though we are not enough despite truly knowing what all we bring to the table.

It can be difficult, but some people truly do not have the space that they would need to accomodate you. They may want you. They may want you to want them, but the reality of the situation is that they do not have the capacity for you. That is okay.

Do not force a relationship with someone like this. They can and will only put you in a very unsafe position mentally and emotionally because you will find that while you are able to have some "good" times with them, those times are always overshadowed by the areas in which they fall short. Then, resentment builds up. You are disappointed in them for them not being able to meet your needs despite the "love" they profess for you and the promises that they make, then they resent you for asking them for more.

It creates a cycle that only grows more and more toxic until one party blows up at the other as they have grown to feel undervalued.

This pattern can be particularly damaging. You find yourself explaining the problem, but as they begin to see what you're bringing to them is something that they have to take accountability for and actually change, then they will throw in "misunderstanding" so that you can back off of what you're bringing to them.

This can show up in two ways.

They will intentionally "play dumb" and act as if they have no idea what is going on or what you are talking about so that they don't have to acknowlege how their actions affected you

They will be direct with you and tell you that you are misunderstanding their intent or that the entire situation was a misunderstaning from the start.

But here's the deal, you know what you saw. You know what you experienced. There never was a misunderstanding. They are trying to play with your head in an attempt to throw you off of your game because you see clearly what they are doing and you know that it is damaging and hurtful.

If that situation is giving you all the signs of not being what you need it to be or even what you desire it to be, abandon it.

It doesn't matter how "nice" they seem.

It doesn't matter the "potential" you see in them.

It doesn't matter what they do for you.

Trust yourself.

If you feel mostly unsafe around that person, they are not meant to be in your life in any capacity.

If that person makes you feel like you are walking on eggshells to avoid "triggering" them in whatever way, they are not meant to be in your life in any capacity.

There are plenty of people out there who won't make you feel that way. It can be very difficult to keep this in mind and to believe it, but it is true.

It can be difficult to try to trust that others will not be this way after experiencing the relationship that put you into survival mode.

Quite a timely message.

Sometimes, we can get so focused on trying to make our experiences "good" that we cause ourselves unnecessary suffering.

No matter where you are or what you are doing, be sure that you are present, aware, and there to learn something about yourself.

How does this situation make me feel?

Am I enjoying this?

The topic/subject of narcissism can be quite controversial at times.

Years ago, I'd done some reading and research on the topic, not knowing that covert narcissism was something that existed.

I dealt with someone for nearly two years who operated by this exact outline. I brought up issues with them, then suddenly, they would go into a harsh emotional spiral for which they desired I apologize to them for. The dynamic got old quickly and that was a relationship that I had to end.