The Healing Mindset

This is one that I have been wanting to tackle directly for quite some time. I have done so in roundabout ways so far, but I think this sums it up perfectly.

Know Your Worth

   “You must find the courage to leave the table if respect is no longer being served.” - Tene Edwards

I have been seeing that quote a lot lately. And from a personal standpoint, it is relatable. Reflecting on my life and doing the deep inner work that I have been doing since 2019, I have realized that the major source of trauma and grief that I experienced during childhood and still feel effects of to this day came from my family. This is difficult to talk about, considering I still live in very close proximity to them, but by doing so, I hope that I may help others to put into perspective any potential familial psychological/mental abuse, and to finally heal from the effects of that.

Having had a relatively difficult experience in University, I always wanted someone to talk to about the issues I was experiencing. Of course, I thought I could turn to my family, immediate and/or extended, to get some support or to vent as I didn’t really have that support from friend groups or other resources at school. That was not the case however. I found that not only would I not receive any comfort or advice, I would also be ridiculed and told that none of my efforts to get myself through my chosen program of study were worthwhile and that I should just give up.

On numerous occasions have I discovered that extended family members went behind my back communicating with my mentors and other colleagues sharing the struggles that I had not shared with anyone else. Not that these struggles were anything major, but at the very least, they were things that I wanted to clear out of my mind but not necessarily have shared with anyone else. But that is how my conversations with my family members are handled. Nothing can ever stay between me and the person I share things with. Not even my within my immediate family.

Already operating on this eroded trust with my family, I began to draw direct connections between the way things are now and my childhood. And that was the light bulb moment. Often as a child, my family would call me “sensitive” and would continuously punish/demean me for expressing my emotions. But no matter how hard I tried, there was always something new that I was doing wrong. The rules were always changing. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t do that. Yet looking around me, everyone else did exactly those things and they were fine.

The resentment I have toward my family began way back in childhood. Ever since I was old enough to begin forming memories and making connections, I knew something was wrong. I dreaded family gatherings, but at the same time, I was always excited at the possibility at finally being able to be happy for once from their presence. I wanted to fit in. I remained optimistic, only to have that optimism crushed while at the event(s). Yet another thing that I had done “wrong.”

“You trust people too easily.” Yes. I sure do. Because I saw from an early age that there was absolutely no way that I could trust you. And I see now that I still can’t. Even after all these years.

Looking back through the years, it is easy to draw the parallels. They have the same exact behavioral patterns. They use the same tricks. While others have changed, they continue to be the same. And of course, they see nothing wrong.

It has taken me years to realize that I built up walls. Walls that to this day still stand. I know they exist. Hiding behind them hurts. And learning the intricacies of why they exist in the first place is even more painful at times. Having grown up with these people, the pain of being around them is familiar. I suppose that there is a part of most of us that wants to hang on to this pain because it is familiar. Because we have hope that our families will just allow us to be without continuing to put us down.

Letting go of it means that we have to start over. Starting over can be intimidating as we have already invested so much time and effort into certain modes of operation. It may seem as if it will be too demanding to start over with learning a new way of life, which often prevents us from starting in the first place. Don’t look at it this way though. What you have been through has given you experience that will assist you on the next phase of your journey. There is no need to worry. This experience will assist you in being much more efficient in completing the task of learning and growing as a person.

Ultimately what is needed is great distance from the individuals that cause us so much pain. In the beginning, it can seem next to impossible to get away. “How will I survive?” “What will life be like?” These questions arise because our confidence has been taken away by our abusive family members. Subconsciously, we believe that we can do nothing outside of their presence. At the same time, our sense of self-responsibility/care may be reduced. A negative self-image is present.

As difficult as it is, we must first and foremost trust ourselves. Once we leave, we must never go back. In the beginning, our minds may tell us that choosing to be out there on our own was a bad choice. That we should have stayed where we were because it was simple. Everything was predictable, even if it was bad. But we must never return. In the case of some of our families, that would only “prove” them right, making their inflated ego even bigger.