The Healing Mindset

It can be difficult, but some people truly do not have the space that they would need to accomodate you. They may want you. They may want you to want them, but the reality of the situation is that they do not have the capacity for you. That is okay.

Do not force a relationship with someone like this. They can and will only put you in a very unsafe position mentally and emotionally because you will find that while you are able to have some "good" times with them, those times are always overshadowed by the areas in which they fall short. Then, resentment builds up. You are disappointed in them for them not being able to meet your needs despite the "love" they profess for you and the promises that they make, then they resent you for asking them for more.

It creates a cycle that only grows more and more toxic until one party blows up at the other as they have grown to feel undervalued.

This pattern can be particularly damaging. You find yourself explaining the problem, but as they begin to see what you're bringing to them is something that they have to take accountability for and actually change, then they will throw in "misunderstanding" so that you can back off of what you're bringing to them.

This can show up in two ways.

They will intentionally "play dumb" and act as if they have no idea what is going on or what you are talking about so that they don't have to acknowlege how their actions affected you

They will be direct with you and tell you that you are misunderstanding their intent or that the entire situation was a misunderstaning from the start.

But here's the deal, you know what you saw. You know what you experienced. There never was a misunderstanding. They are trying to play with your head in an attempt to throw you off of your game because you see clearly what they are doing and you know that it is damaging and hurtful.

If that situation is giving you all the signs of not being what you need it to be or even what you desire it to be, abandon it.

It doesn't matter how "nice" they seem.

It doesn't matter the "potential" you see in them.

It doesn't matter what they do for you.

Trust yourself.

If you feel mostly unsafe around that person, they are not meant to be in your life in any capacity.

If that person makes you feel like you are walking on eggshells to avoid "triggering" them in whatever way, they are not meant to be in your life in any capacity.

There are plenty of people out there who won't make you feel that way. It can be very difficult to keep this in mind and to believe it, but it is true.

It can be difficult to try to trust that others will not be this way after experiencing the relationship that put you into survival mode.

Quite a timely message.

Sometimes, we can get so focused on trying to make our experiences "good" that we cause ourselves unnecessary suffering.

No matter where you are or what you are doing, be sure that you are present, aware, and there to learn something about yourself.

How does this situation make me feel?

Am I enjoying this?

The topic/subject of narcissism can be quite controversial at times.

Years ago, I'd done some reading and research on the topic, not knowing that covert narcissism was something that existed.

I dealt with someone for nearly two years who operated by this exact outline. I brought up issues with them, then suddenly, they would go into a harsh emotional spiral for which they desired I apologize to them for. The dynamic got old quickly and that was a relationship that I had to end.

Take up space. Live your life.

Be confident.

I know that each of these things can be easier said than done when you have been through the trauma of emotional unpredictability/abuse, and walking on eggshells.

The people who cause you to feel this way are the problematic ones. They are the ones who should be apologizing. Not you.

Personal sovereignty is a big deal.

You find yourself in thought loops. Trying to figure out what went wrong. Trying to figure out what you did wrong. Most often times, the answer to this is that you didn't do anything wrong. And the thing that went wrong is that there is someone trying their best to control the narrative of what you have with them.

Plain and simple.

They are manipulating the situation to their advantage to keep you confused. To erode your confidence and keep you in a "fog-of-war" state of being.

This is abuse.

They will try to convince you otherwise. When you call them out, they may say something like "you don't know what abuse is".

Success doesn't always have to be complex, big, or flashy.

When forging your own path, there will be some difficulty. Instead of allowing the challenges to wear you down, be diligent and disciplined. Find ways to allow those experiences to sharpen you. Learn. Improve. Grow.

I get it.

You're growing. You're even outgrowing your environment.

The part that is understandable is that even though this is happening, there is a part of you that still wants to hang on to that old environment. Those old patterns. You're comfortable there. Trust me, I understand.

However, you know that you're good at making the best of the situations that you encounter in your life. It may be a little difficult, but you can grow to be comfortable in those new spaces. Or, you could end up feeling more comfortable that you even thought possible given your new perspective and set of skills.