The Healing Mindset

It may not always be readily apparent, but some relationships cannot be sustained on hope alone.

Both individuals have to have the capacity for the relationship to stay alive.

There will be conflict. Does each person have the capacity to repair?

There will be hard moments. Does each person have the capacity to communicate what is going on? Does each person have the capacity to listen to understand?

This is never any fun. You go into the relationship or connection with the best of intentions only to find that the other person is only bent on controlling the narrative and getting what they want. Ultimately, you do not matter in the connection.

You'll show up correctly, make all the necessary changes and try to adjust as you see fit, but nothing ever lands. Your concerns are steamrolled. Feelings, crushed. Voice, silenced.

How we show up to the relationships in our lives is very imporant. Sometimes, we may not even realize that we are shutting out another person because we may be so absorbed in what we're doing ourselves.

This can only last so long before the other person begins to respond. They may be patient for us for a little while until they begin to react. That is the part that oftentimes catches our attention.

Of course, this can happen in reverse - we can be on the receiving end of this.

Trust. Believe. Have faith.

We have been conditioned to believe that only a certain set of outcomes is possible.

A person's past can and will drown out the relationship they have with themselves. If this is going on, then they will very much struggle to form a close relationship with another individual - especially if that is a romantic relationship.

Feel what's coming up for you. But while you are feeling, make sure you are doing at least one thing to build toward the future.

All of what you're leaving behind is in the past for a reason. The good memories will resurface. They are real, but there is strength in holding both sides. Good times and memories were present, but great harm also came from the particular situation that you found yourself in.

You can replace them. This is not to say that we go in to relationships waiting on someone to mess up so that we can just toss them aside in search of another person.

No.

This means that if you continue to try to work with a person out of the mutual love and effort you may have been building someting through and they do nothing but disappoint, mistreat, and disregard you continuously after you've tried to communicate with them how their actions are impacting you, then yes, it may be wise to let them go.

This can sneak up on you. You're getting to know a person, you spend a good bit of time with them, you're becoming more settled around them, then the switch up on you. Everything you do becomes something that hurts them. Despite having done nothing wrong, you find yourself apologizing for their overreaction to something benign.

As much as we may not like it, sometimes, we do have to be "cruel".

This is not to say that we go around intentionally causing harm to others, even those who hurt us, but we may eventually reach a point where we have to set a hard boundary with someone in a way that we may not like but that we know will be effective.

This is not to hurt anyone else, but to protect ourselves.

Sometimes, people can get extremely comfortable with crossing over our boundaries and expecting us to continue putting up with that and abandoning ourselves for their chaos. That, however; is not sustainable.

With this being said, you may experience this in reverse.

A person may continue to do wrong by you then when you proceed to call them out on their behavior, they choose to set the above healthy boundaries in an effort to appear principled and justified in their behavior toward you, and as a way to avoid accountability.

If you have to sacrifice yourself to keep a certain connection, then that connection is not good for you. Plain and simple.

It can be difficult to let go of. A connection where you are sacrificing yourself. This is because it may make you feel as though you are doing something noble. By giving yourself, you may feel like you are providing someone else with the opportunity or the chance to grow.

Look at it this way, however.

If they didn't grow in all the time that they had before they met you, then why would they do so now?

Love?

Possibly, but the other person has to really have the desire to change should that be a factor. This works sometimes, but most times, it does not.

We give ourselves over to those who can't fully receive us.

Sometimes, we think we're doing them a favor by continuing to give, not realizing that they don't have the tools necessary to handle what we are in their lives.

Or, they may just be completely ambivalent to your presence.

Whatever the case, this is not right for us in the long run. Eventually, we can begin to feel as though we are not enough despite truly knowing what all we bring to the table.