#neetexam

2 July 2026

I hate the fact that this date is lagging one day behind my hostel days. It's kinda annoying.

Anyways, today went well. I didn't go to the prison. And since we haven't gotten our IDs yet, my family doesn't know. So that's a win for me. For now. I think I'm gonna call in sick on Saturday too. Because that'll be the last day I can miss college and suffer no consequences. Let's see what happens.

I love this room because it's on 3rd floor and this sometimes feels as if this is my apartment. I love staying here.

But I hate studying. Which is the primary reason why I'm even here. I was about to record and post my first YouTube video but my roommate knocked at the wrong time so....postponing it.

Why have we made these exams such an important part of our life? Like, seriously? Why is this neet exam more important than me? My family keeps on postponing calling me because I'm studying. And this hurts because I was waiting for their call. I wanted to hear their voices. Well, good thing they finally called after dinner. My dad thought I was angry at him because I didn't reply to his good morning message. He didn't say that to me. He said it to mom and she told me this.

And I kindof just......teared up. I'm proud of my skill of being able to cry without making a single noise. My roommate was in the same room and yet didn't see me crying. Good. I had no interest in answering anything to her. Or anyone.

I've no idea whether I hate my life or not. Sometimes I think about jumping from the window. Not out of sorrow. Trust me. It's not sorrow I feel when that thought hits. It's just.....a wish of vanishing. I want to vanish from this planet.

Not die. No. I want to vanish. Don't ask me the difference between them. I don't know. Well, at least I got to eat tasty noodles. Thank God.

And I did electrostatics chapter. Oneshot and 3 DPPs. And Living World chapter too. So...cheers to me. I'm proud of myself for at least doing this much. Love me. No. Scratch that. I'm still figuring out what kind of person I am and whether I love myself or not. Because my current impression of me is really bad because this body and mind I'm living with are both not really that good. And I don't really like them. At least not for now.

I don't know what I'm saying. Ignore it. Or don't. Your choice.

Now, I've to go sleep. Because I've to wake up tomorrow to go to that prison. But I'm going to reward myself with my favourite biscuit. Because I deserve it.

Goodbye.

Yours sincerely,

I can change it to another song but I can never pause it.

1 July 2026

Well, life is going on. I just got done with setting up all my things properly in this room. Funny how efficient I become when I don't have anyone to order me around and tell me what to do. I mean, it was genuinely fun because I was free to choose and decide where to put things, how to put them. Everything is my choice. And I'm liking it.

Except, there is another news. About the prison (college). I just got to know that apparently, these people charge money from you when you miss college. I had every intention to miss college at least once a week to have a day for myself and my peace but guess WhAaaaaat!!! I'm seeing my plans going down the drain, dramatically waving a goodbye to me.

We still don't have our ID cards so I'm going to miss college tomorrow. And on Saturday too, I guess. Because I've no idea when I'm gonna get to do this once I get my ID.

Now, onto the main things. My realisations about myself.

I'm not pretty. I'm not a genius. I'm not social. I'm not an extrovert. I'm not a good person. I'm not confident. I'm not the cool girl who doesn't care about anything. I'm not the girl who knows how to talk to strangers, how to easily make friends. I'm not optimistic. I'm not even stable. I'm lonely and I want friends and someone to talk to (But I know that I don't really deserve to have close friends because I'll just end up hurting them because of my avoidant attachment issues.)

I'm nothing special. Absolutely nothing. And I........don't really want to be.

And this all hits quite hard because all my life, I was raised while being told I was all of these things. Especially the part about being a genius. Everyone praised my genius. Everyone had a lot of expectations from me. Still do, unfortunately. Especially my parents.

And my brain is stuck between WHY THE HELL SHOULD I MEET THEIR EXPECTATIONS EVEN WHEN I'M HAPPY WITH WHAT I AM and I SHOULD DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO MEET THIR EXPECTATIONS BECAUSE THEY'VE DONE SO MUCH FOR ME.

I don't know what to do with all of this. There is this strange sense of peace that I feel now that I've accepted that I'm just an average girl, a human being, who will spend a few years on this planet and then vanish from the face of it. Within a few years, everyone will forget me. Nobody would care.

Whether I live my dream life, do what I want to do, or whether I don't do it. Nothing matters. One day, I'll just.......die. Within a few minutes I'll be gone. And after that, I won't feel anything. No regrets, no happiness, no sadness. I'll just be lying there, dead. And it won't even matter. Because nothing really matters, does it?

Having this realisation feels like moksh, or something like that. Except, I forget all about this NOTHING MATTERS thing the moment I open my Physics book.

Why 😭😭. Why the fuck is this all happening? I don't know. How the fuck do I change it? I don't know. It feels like I've so many problems and zero solutions. How am I supposed to spend another 40 years on this planet like this?????? I need answers.

I hate having a brain. I so wish this thing was detachable. Because I don't want to carry it all the time and listen to all of its constant chattering. I want to throw it away. But we're stuck together, unfortunately.

Anyways, I'm going to sleep now. Let's see what tomorrow brings in my life.

Yours sincerely,