#moonjay lore

Like I can't even bring myself to look at them, I just can't. If I notice a new video or photo of me or even a voice message that I sent to someone that I don't remember taking I get a sick feeling and really want to delete it without even taking a proper look. And when I do look/watch/listen? I just freak out. That's not me. But it's my face. My voice. Anyone else looks at it and they'll see me but it's not and that drives me mad.

We go to a sewing club once a week it's mostly older women we're the youngest who goes but there's a new person who's not much older than us who started coming. Last week she just ever so casually mentioned how she thinks she might have DID and nobody said anything. Nobody told her she was faking, no "oh but that's too rare there's no chance you could have it", no treating people with DID like they were dangerous monsters they just believed her and went on as normal.

And for some reason that broke us, well the host, we live in fear that people will find out we suspect we might have DID or OSDD that they'll judge us or not believe us especially people we know and are close to. But maybe it didn't have to be that way and maybe people would be normal, and believe us and still care about us. But I feel like we've been ashamed for so long we can never come back from it.

Even just talking about it to our mother who actually came to us saying she thinks we might have DID a year or two?? (Time is hard) ago makes us want to curl up and die we've just shut down at every mention of it. But I don't think we can keep going on like this, we need help and we're not going to get it suffering in silence.

If I'm being 100% honest I'm not fully sure if we've switched or how many switches have happened since I stopped tracking. It's all a blurry mess and idk where I end and another part begins. I hate it, but I think I'm going to keep not tracking for a little while. We've been devotingly system tracking since simplyplural came out and I suppose I forgot how different things were before then. It may help with my doubt to notice how things do or don't change when I'm not constantly looking out for the slightest shifts. So far symptoms are still there it's just harder to notice because I'm not going out of my way to notice everything.

Switches befire were more like the left but now they feel more like the right if you get what I was trying to represent? Kinda just smudged a bunch of colours lol

And apart from the soldiers from World War two whos grass has been mown and have had some flowers or other offerings, the cemetery we walked in clearly wasn't being taken care of. My mom was really sad about this, and I felt guilty that I wasn't. I thought that it seemed like a lovely place to spend my eternal sleep, the grass was overgrown, Ivy had grown onto the headstones, and hardly anyone would come there. There were big massive trees who have probably been there to see the very first burials and despite being a place of death it was so full of life, so many birds singing and a squiral running up and down the trees. It was perfect.