#mental breakdowns

Something else broke inside of her, Nya sinking down to the ground with a wail tearing itself out of her throat, tears welling out and burning anything and everywhere it touched her skin.

She could hardly even see, now, everything blurry from her tears and burns. Why was she brought back?! Couldn't- W H Y ? !

The first scream was joined by another, wrenched broken and shattering, a revival of her D E A T H. Of everything that had happened the past month.

It was all too much. Too much, too much, too much. She couldn't cope, couldn't process, and now she was stuck like this.

A G H O S T .

D E A D .

Translucent hands dug deep into her hair, going straight through her coral horns. The pain of the liquidity of her hair burning her skin only pushed her to dig her hands deeper, going through her own scalp.

She was spiraling too much to even be freaked out over it.

(That was a lie, but to separate the freakout from the spiralling? It was all too FUCKING M U C H - ! ! !)

And then she felt her fingers move behind her eyes and –

don't move don't move don't move dontmovedontmovedo NOT M O V E

– Shouldn't it hurt? Shouldn't this bring pain?

DON'T FUCKING MOVE DO NOT MOVE RIGHT NOW –

Her claw on her little finger scratched against the back of her eye, moving her eyeball and it all went black. A void she could not see through.

Hadn't she gone through enough?

“Nya? Oh, by the Realms, Nya?!”

The new voice made her flinch, her claw digging deeper into the back of her eye. Who there? Who was that? How?

“By the sixteen realms! Dear child, what has happened to you?”

There was a slight echo to whoever this was; Nya had frozen up completely when she first felt her nail on the inside of her eyes, and so could not move now. Could barely even afford to breathe or cry. Only remain frozen in place while this breakdown killed her a second time from the inside.

Yet…

“Help-”

Her own voice came out hoarse, shattered and echoed. But if there was someone else in here? All Nya really wanted? At this very moment? To get her hands out of her fucking skull.

“I'm right behind you. I'm going to touch you now, but you must be clear about where you can feel your hands, alright?”

“...Okay. I- on my eye-!”

Cold hands touched her arms, right below her elbows, wrapping around to hold onto her more securely.

“Which way do you want me to pull?”

“I don't care. I don't care. I don't care!”

Half a breathe, and very slowly but surely her hands were removed, pulled backwards and up. Until finally she could no longer feel hands on the inside of her head. No more. No more.

“I'm letting go of you now and walking around.”

The same mysterious echo-y voice said, and a second later a body of translucent green sat down opposite of her. She didn't recognise him at first, with it being so long ago and physically impossible!

Because there, rght in front of her, were Sensei fucking Garmadon. Just like he'd looked the last time she'd seen him, on Chen's Island.

“Oh, great. Now I'm hallucinating too. Fantastic. Why is it you?”

The man in front of her opened his mouth to speak, but she continued before he could, interrupting whatever he'd say to claim to be anything else but a hallucination.

“Whatever, I'll take it. I don't care if you're a hallucination right now, I just.. I just want to not be alone and to be HUMAN again.”

She didn't even let the man speak, flopping forward until she landed on his lap before she could second guess or overthink any of this. It was someone and she wasn't alone.

“Who cares if you're not real and I'm actually laying alone on the floor. I just don't want to be alone anymore, and I can't tell them. I can't tell them ANYTHING.”

Sensei Garmadon seemed to hesitate for a near minute - his arms somewhere above her and her cheek pressed against his leg, frozen in place - before at least pulling her closer into his lap. He hugged her close, patting her floating liquefied hair and coral horns. It reminded her of what she'd seen Garmadon do to Lloyd, when he was alive and real. Because this couldn't really be him. It couldn't.

“Would it be easier for you to see me as a hallucination?”

“...Yeah. Because you died and why would you be here instead of with Lloyd. You wouldn't. I'm hardly important enough for any ghost or whatever of you to not rather stick with Lloyd or Misako. Or Master Wu, I guess.”

“You are in pain, Nya. Of course I must come to check on you too, to help however I can.”

“Whatever. Just keep hugging me for a bit longer?”

“Of course.”

Sensei Garmadon massaged her back with the arm embracing her, beginning to rock her a moment later. It did nothing to stop her thinking of how the man had been with Lloyd when alive. Did that say something about her? Probably, but for now she simply would accept the comfort and not question where it came from.

“I don't know what I am.”

Nya's confession was mumbled, the rocking far more grounding than she ever wanted to admit. Not that she ever wanted to voice this confession to anyone real either, ever.

“Kai doesn't have got the horns and scales I got, I don't remember our parents and.. And not even you, Master Wu or Lloyd got these scales or horns, either. And- And- And now this? I- I died, and- I don't know what to do. I don't know what I am.”

“Why would we have the same horns and scales as you, Nya? You do not belong to our family, do you?”

“No, but I know none of you are human. Maybe.. Maybe if you did, I’d at least have a clue. Something to know. Now.. Now I don't know at all. What am I, Sensei G?”

“I can't answer that for you. You're something unique, something you'll have to find yourself.”

Well. Of course!

“You would say that, wouldn't you? You're just a hallucination, and I've probably blinded myself with my own fingers and laying dead on the floor by now, again.”

“What if I weren't a hallucination? What if I'm really here and real, simply here to help you.”

That's simple. Nya curled up a bit more on his lap, hugging herself loosely.

“Because were you real you'd be sticking to Lloyd and wouldn't notice any else of us struggling. Because Lloyd is your whole world, along with Misako and Master Wu. You'd be so busy keeping an eye on them..”

Sensei Garmadon hugged her closer, one hand dug into her hair and the other squeezing her closer for a short moment.

“They are my world, that's true. But I care for the rest of you too, and right now you're the only one who's seen me since The Preeminent was defeated.”

Nya scoffed, turning to hide her face in his torn gi. Was this what it was like to have a dad, had hers never disappeared and died?

“Then how come you can hug me at all? I'm not solid and my hair burns ghosts. You'd have the burns at least. No, you're a hallucination because you're the closest to a father I've ever known, even if you're not mine and never have been a dad to me. I'm simply remembering seeing you comforting Lloyd and for some reason wishing someone did it to me. You're here because I don't want to be alone and my brain decided you were a good option because everyone else is alive. A hallucination of someone alive is something I would have believed to be real.”

“You raise an interesting perspective, Nya. So what are you getting hugged by, if I'm a hallucination? Who are you hearing me instead of? Who are you seeing if it's not me? A hallucination is rarely all senses.”

“It's not all senses, you're not covering all senses. I'm probably on the floor, maybe hugging myself if anything at all, and it's probably the computer or something I'm hearing. I don't know. I honestly don't care, either. Even if you're just a hallucination, I want you to stay.”

Please, she didn't say. Wasn't sure how to. But it was true, all else, she truly did not care whether or not this Sensei Garmadon was a hallucination or not, as long as she wasn't alone.

“Stay, now that's something I can do. For as long as you need me to, whenever you need a hug and someone to talk to, I can be here for you.”

“..Thank you.”

Nya finally hugged him back, breathing out as Sensei Garmadon rested his chin on her head, hugging with all of the love and comfort he'd done to Lloyd as alive.

First things first what is an (emotional) mental breakdown (I'm sticking with mental but this can also apply to emotional breakdowns as well)

A period of severe emotional distress during which a person may feel paralyzed and entirely incapable of coping with challenges

Some of the symptoms of this may include (but are limited to):

Mental changes-

Depression

Emotional numbness

Loss of interest

Mood swings

Panic attacks

Sleep disruptions

Anxiety

Social withdrawal

No motivation

Paranoia

Personality changes-

Avoiding social events

Paranoia

Feeling hopeless and or helpless

Loss of interest

Physical changes-

Change in appetite

Exhaustion

Fatigue

Chest pain

Now let's go back and look at Barbara as a whole specifically how her character is presented to us and her relationships with some of the other characters

What do we know about Barbara explicitly well she-

Tends to get annoyed by things very quickly even for no reason sometimes

Has trust issues

Constantly comparing yourself to the previous starburst and everyone around her

Is constantly putting on a brave face when in reality she's nervous and terrified about everything she does

Says anything she does or tries to do will inevitably end up in failure and that it was all for nothing

Because of the way Barbie tends to look all the time she's seen as very hostile and someone you don't want to get too close to or piss off

Made it to where the star bearers didn't have to help in cleaning

Holds in a lot of her emotions

Has seizures which causes her immense pain as she releases her soot

Has no control over her soot expulsion

Is highly emotional like Kate

Used to be a lot like emilico

Her flower represents unacquainted love

Always puts her in the star bearers first even if it means hurting others in the children wing she supposed to be taking care of

Is easily manipulated

Doesn't realize that the cream she was given that was supposed to help Barbies scar heel is actually a poison

Is being used by Thomas as a living battery until she dies meaning she was never going to become an adult

And this is just the surface level stuff about this poor girl her relationships with others show what kind of person she used to be and is now

One of the first pieces of evidence to support the fact that she might be having mental breakdowns every time she releases her soot it's because of this manga panels from chapter 50

This panel reveals that because Barbara holds in all of her feelings about how she feels inadequate as a star-bearer, her fear and so many other things it, and how much it affects her soot at the same time.

We've seen time and time again that the shadows can only produce soot when they're feeling negative emotions, however one easy to overlook detail is the fact that depending on what influence they gain from their living doll it will determine their Emotional State

For example Matilda and Louise there both happy-go-lucky girls with very kind-hearted living dolls, therefore their soot quantity is much lower, than someone like John who because of the influence he received from his living doll which was Shaun's impulsiveness, he has a much higher quantity as he uses his emotions to make decisions. He's more intuition than he is brain.

Characters who have extremely low soot quantities usually have higher amounts of positive emotions we see that in both Shirley and Matilda they both have low soot quantities but they have some of the best personalities, they're kind-hearted, sweet, lively and mischievous

And considering the show and manga have made it clear that at one point Barbie and Barbara were a lot like Emilico and Kate it suddenly makes it clear why Barbara has so much soot coming out of her the only thing she was lacking was Kate's confidence.

(And remember before ever meeting Christopher and MaryRose she was always super emotional, but she had much better control over her emotions, something we see when MaryRose offers a hand to her and she thinks she's teasing her causing her anger to expel a lot of soot around her body, but not nearly to the point we see now in the story!)

And it would also explain why it's so painful for her it's a form of a seizure, because of her anxiety & social withdrawness, it ends up causing her to have a panic attack which is in the form of these seizures. Since her soot makes up around 60% of the power Shadow house produces in a day, it's incredibly painful for her to keep that all in. Which is another way of saying how it's incredibly painful for someone to keep all of their negative emotions in and have them explode at random points, which would also explain her mood swings, exhaustion, and her trying to avoid any sort of social activity with people she doesn't trust (which is a form of paranoia). All of this is because she's constantly bottling up her feelings and having them explode which many people can say (myself included) bottling up your negative feelings is exhausting

And the fact that she doesn't want anyone to see her in this state in her mind she doesn't want people to see how weak she is, (which is honestly heartbreaking) because it's basically her being the most vulnerable. That's why she lets Barbie insult her so much, it's so she can get rid of more of the soot, but it's also her way of basically acknowledging how she feels about herself. She truly believes every horrible thing Barbie says to her is true, she thinks that way and Barbie reciprocates those feelings to her face when she's in this state, which only makes it worse, (but both of them don't even realize this because their kids who haven't been taught anything about their own mental health). Plus this also explains the way Barbie behaves. The story at one point made it clear that she used to be a lot like Emilico standing up for people who were weaker than her making friends with people who were like Rum, but after Christopher left the adult wing and they were betrayed by Rosemary and MaryRose she completely changed how she behaved in order to match what she believed a strong face should look like and act like.

We even see the consequences of her explosive anger and unpredictable mood swings (and to be honest evidence of herself hatred)

Once she realizes that she can't do what she wants to do for the children's wing on her own after feeling betrayed by MaryRose and Christopher supposedly going to the adult wing she felt helpless which caused her to lose control of her emotions causing an extreme soot explosion injuring the one person who stood by her side trying to calm her down

This perfectly highlights how in a mental breakdown you end up accidentally hurting people close to you, and I honestly believe that this was the straw that broke the camel's back when it came to herself hatred. It was already bad enough that everything else around her happened, but that was stuff she just couldn't control, but right here is where we see her lose control over her emotions and her soot, causing her to hurt the person dearest to her. You know for a fact she blames herself for this even if Barbie herself never told her how much this hurt her, tried to tell her it wasn't her fault, or even tried to dismiss the situation as a whole, Barbara probably blames herself because it was indeed her fault

(an interesting fact I just realized is that if Barbie really did try to tell Barbara that she doesn't mind that she hurt her because she knows it was an accident, "she didn't mean to hurt me" then that mentality is a lot like pink pearl (volleyball) in the sense that she's making excuses for why Barbara did what she, did but she's not acknowledging her own pain, she's not acknowledging the fact that she was badly hurt)

This panel from chapter 107 absolutely confirms the fact that not only does she bottle up her motions to a dangerous degree, but has feelings for someone she doesn't even know that he could be dead. She knew about unification before this, but she doesn't know that unifying with Barbie would mean she would lose her, and that's important because it shows just how desperate she is to see Christopher again. She's willing to put her own living doll's life on the line if it means seeing someone she doesn't even know is dead

She bottled her own feelings, pushing down her feelings of love she felt for Christopher and because she never once acted on those feelings they were told him before he went to the adult wing she had to carry on those feelings of love, betrayal, paranoia, fear and anxiety with her this whole time.

All she wanted was for comrade to be by her side someone she can look up to and admire someone who would be there for her but she kept on getting hurt because she opened up herself to somebody else.

But ironically enough the manga is giving us someone else that she doesn't even realize she's opening up to in the form of Patrick someone who could be the next person who could help her

(after all her Arc is all about finding someone that she can trust and love with her feelings without being hurt again, and his Arc is about finding a way to deal with his feelings of love while trying to protect people who are weaker than him. Both of their ark's work because she needs somebody to save herself from these dark feelings that she has, and he failed once to save somebody who was in love with him. Now with Barbara in a compromising position that she's in she could be the next person that comes his way, but this time unlike Margaret he could actually end up saving her, bringing both of their stories together. After all why would they make so many parallels between Emilico and what Barbie used to be if they weren't planning something big with this story)