#maxmundan

Shock

I’m in

shock

The words

on the report are

terrible

terrifying

despicable

Words like

malignant

metastasis

inoperable

What can you do

with words this

hard

undeniable

final?

Where can you run?

Where can you hide?

What can you do

to block those fucking words

from your mind?

I’m not ready

Nobody’s ready

But I’m not ready

to die

I always thought

I’d have so much

more time

with you

I’m torn Between societal success And internal happiness

Different areas of my brain Are at war with each other

And these are the state of affairs At six months sober

Rarely a day goes by Where I don’t think about flooding All of said areas And getting all of my opinions To shut the fuck up

I’ve been laying in my bed With my eyes closed

and my mind open.

Listening to these thoughts Drift in and out like the ocean.

I’ve been Choking on self doubt,

Cutting myself open.

How come I’m always left hoping?

I’m spilling my guts

tell me you aren’t joking?

If this is love then why isnt it showing?

If this is love why isn’t it growing?

Tell me it’s because I’m not enough of a man

For you to love I’ll understand.

I’ve always reached for stars and played in sand.

when I was with you I felt like Peter Pan.

But I guess kids grow, and boys turn into men.

That’s how life goes, what starts must come to end.

I fear finding love is like finding neverland. Only kids know when it’s really in their hands.

Only kids know?

That sounds like a big joke

I miss the simple days When I used to skip rocks and jump rope.

I had high hopes.

until I hit deep slopes.

I thought by my age I would have a woman in my scopes.

But the truth is all I have is hope.

I treat women like queens

And get passed on like a note.

My hearts broke,

But atleast I have my mind,

Memories take me back

to the better times

I know I’ll find

Who I’m meant to be one day.

I know I ’ll find love.

I know I’ll be okay.

I just get caught up

In every moment every day.

I just get brought down

When people do me this way.

So if it’s not goodbye

Then it’s good riddance

I’m through with you like I am

With this sentence.

A couple years felt like

A couple minutes.

I loved you until

They get to be

They get to exist... quietly

I want to just be too

I didn’t realize how much

Until now

I don’t want anything to identity me

I want to shed my skin and my sex and my particulars

Wipe away anything you could ever use to quantify me

I want to just be

Like they get to

"All yesterday's grudges was long forgotten when she came to me with tears in her eyes."

A light would help

In their direst need

Aimless in a cave

Thinking a spark

A lamp, a lantern

Would showcase

Help, would show

At least, a path, a way

Then the light is cast

Found from dead sticks

Detritus, and rocks

Hewn and bloody

From your own handywork

Only to be shown that

You are trapped in a chasm

Deep, unscalable, the light

Illuminating hopeless dread

There you are, lit, standing

Losing faith on being

Shaded by a freeing sky

From that moment hence

what a discovery

i uncovered

a lack of coverage

a cloud hovering,

dissolving

the sun burns my skin