Just a glimpse

I can’t help but wonder if I came here for all the wrong reasons

When I try to figure things out people ask me to stop

When I try to love with my whole heart people take me for granted

When I try to do my part in making the world a better place

People say to me why bother

I guess I came here to be different

I guess I came here to be an alternative

I guess I came here to be the glitch in the system

At least that’s what I think

But who really knows

Today is Thursday but today feels like an in between day. Because it doesn’t feel like it’s a day at all. It feels like I’m living in between time. Stuck in the end of Wednesday and the beginning of Friday. I feel like I’m not really awake or aware of what day it is or time at all. I’m living in a moment that may not ever make it to the next moment. There is so much weirdness here. In the in between. Weirdness in the present time and tense. I don’t know what to make of all this or even how to feel. But if you told me this how the world ends, I wouldn’t be surprised. The world ended with everyone being confused about what exactly happened. Ending like a blip that no longer blinks on a screen. Ending painless and quiet with no alarm, no warning, no fan fare. No time to say goodbye or see who I love one last time. Just ended. Maybe that’s the right way to go. We have all experienced an end that we couldn’t identify until years after it was over. Looking back and saying: That’s the day I knew it was done. Feeling so in between like I do. Maybe that’s my signal that this is it. So I guess I’ll spend the day saying love you. I hope I don’t forget anyone.

I don’t fear it

It’s not what I want in truth

But some parts of it feel more appealing

Than trying to be with someone anyone anymore

The man puts up obstacles like lack of communication or understanding

So what could we possibly have

Maybe I’ll just disappear

Try over in an uncluttered space

Space free of all the debris of what someones said they would do

Only asking for the truth of it

To be left free and clear or alone

No need for a liar who clutters my heart with his nothingness

Laying here in bed taking in all the sites and sounds of my alone

There is truth in the moment

Real love right here right now

I’ll spend the rest of my life

Getting exactly what I want

From this day forward

Goodbye to messy mates who leave their debris in my space

Who lie to themselves more than they do me

Freeing my heart of all their clutter

For good I hope

I’m wide awake in my confusion

Rambling in my head

About how I feel, what sucks and trying to remember song lyrics

Looking all around for the door that leads to far away

I’m not upset but

I Do Not

Want to be

Here

No more

Planet renamed Hot Box

At least It doesn’t hurt so much anymore

A nagging uncomfortable

Tired of pointing out all the flaws

To friends and strangers

Just make them go away

And stay that way

When I say

Don’t want to

Be here

No more

I mean

This life filled with topsy turvy inequity

Having to fight for my rights

While I pay for everything

Pay to eat

Pay to sleep inside

Pay for my health

Pay to numb myself to sleep watching a movie about a serial killer

Pay for discrimination at work while I make less than a white man with no HighSchool diploma

The reasons pile up

But I remain grateful for all I have like Mommy taught

And all the rich people tell us to in an IG post

Oprah and the others

It’s Thursday and my discontent

Might unhook my connection to the race

I don’t feel human anymore

I’m too imperfect to be considered an animal

Animals live each day with purpose

Even germs and disease do

I’m not fully aware of what to categorize myself as

I’m not unhappy

I am a hopeless romantic

An idealistic wide eyed child

That wishes

Productivity and money wasn’t the metric

Wishing life was free

Like the ticket to come here

Clear mind and clear skies ahead

Please

If not

Wanting to give us all a pill

That makes it all better

Forever

I wonder if I’m in the mood to over share today

Or to actually write

Cause lately I do both

Over share until I find the poetry in the words

The poetic in my thoughts and deeds

Or maybe being a writer is learning to balance both

Expression and the need to grieve

Or be in love and be poet

Go on an adventure and then tell a story

Or to hate any man for telling me what to do with my body while putting 3,000 words on paper to get published so me and the cat can eat

I don’t know

All I have is ideas of what I want the words to do

Don’t know if they will cooperate

Get in line

Be neat and simple

Say what I most long to say

Have always wanted to say

But alas I’ll try

I really will try

What else can I do

But really really try

It’s what I have to do

I have so much to say

Sitting in my car again.

Instead of going in the house.

Feeling like I’m completely trapped.

No where

I could ever drive to

would get me far enough away from

What I’m running from.

What I’m hoping to avoid.

It’s not fear.

It’s not pain.

It’s not hate.

I am Running

From the slightest notion

That getting exactly what I want -

I can’t have.

One day

On a soon day

He will come looking and

He’ll find me

Find me right there

See I had stopped looking stopped trying

Instead tending to old wounds or hurt feelings

Instead getting lost in my bed sheets or the corner of my room

Instead finding loop holes to hide in

Mostly using words to massage my heart

It hadn’t stopped beating but it had slowed

And

There I was

When he found me

Tied up in old sheets and old pain and new hopelessness

And yet

I had begun to do myself a favor

I had started untying myself

Telling myself

If I’m going to be alone

Then I’d rather enjoy it than suffer it

So truly who he found was the best me

Me truly loving myself finally

No longer stuck

I was freeing myself

That’s how my love will find me

Untied and loving Me

I’ll be brief

I love you

That’s it

Our love must live in the light

Not the shadow

If you cannot tell the world

If you think my ears, my eyes are the only ones that need to understand

You’re wrong

Love needs the open

Air, sun and the moon

If only I know that you love me

How real is it

Cause I’d yell it from the mountaintops

I’m ready to tell my best friend and the whole world

That I love you

If you can’t do that

If you won’t do that

Especially if you don’t want to

Then my love should not be with you

She will not be a secret

Ever

My love requires the sun

She will wither in the darkness

She is strangled by secret

Love me out in the open in front of the world

Or leave me be

What else can I do but see

See you for exactly who you are

I want to deny it

Want to act as if I’m blind

But I know better

I so do

You are a flawed flaw

A broken broke

I’m not excluding myself

I’m imperfect in the light

The difference is

I’m trying to be better

You ain’t trying to do anything

Except maybe survive

All I know of you is that you exist

So much of you isn’t good enough

You never will be

You ain’t right

But I love you

So what now

She greets me with open arms

Accepting the tired body

The tired soul

She does not judge me for my failures

Doesn’t speak a word about anything

She keeps the secrets

I close my eyes

Feel like I am floating

If she were in water

Where would we go

Since being confined in this room

Our relationship has become stronger

I chose to turn to her

Instead of friends

When I am away

I long for her

She has become the only anything I can count

I can run to

I can lean on

She is everything

I’ve always wanted to be

Fearless

She faces all the unknown

Gladly

Not caring to be understood

Just for the sake of it

Choosing to stay an enigma

In order to become the light

You don’t require comprehension

Truly knowing is just a feeling anyway

And I like she

Don’t give a fuck anymore

Who gets it

That wasn’t the point

I know you feel it

So I’m good

I know in my heart I was brought

Hopefully sent

I pray not left

Here

Daily my heart aches for somewhere else and far

Breathing is unproblematic most days

Visibility is clear at least in front of my face

I have no issue with this planet

No qualms or difficulties with the geographical features or mechanics of earth

It’s her inhabitants

That leave fear in my bones long after the chill is gone

They seek politics rather than truth

They cling to tribal bonds that divide them

They are slaves to their religions

They do not seek out their common bonds or common tongue

Yet they share the same vocabulary

Love

Food

Shelter

Rights

They want to know better as to never mistake again

Yet they err in the same ways as they have for millennia

Something as arbitrary as eye color deciding who lives and who eats

I just can’t be from a place where walking with a hoodie on could seal my fate

I just can’t

I saw a man cutting grass today

An old man still pretty upright

Thin grey haired with glasses

But still able bodied

I couldn’t help but think about when he would die

How inconvenient it would be to his family and friends

Having to take time off from work

Please be sure to secure your I was at a funeral excuse note

All the I’m sorry for your...

Then the Thank you...

We thank people for acknowledging our right to grieve

Our earned right to be unhappy

Those moments so many

The chance to feel then heal so few

I am reminded

How I am discontent with every single thing about this world

But I’m not allowed to be

That’s what I’m most sad about

Not that my Mother has been dead for almost too long

Even that grief I’m barely allowed to keep

There was a funeral

Shouldn’t she be over it yet

No today I’m most sad about this world

How it won’t change because we are all too lazy

All Too selfish to give up anything

A whole wide world full of people willing to kill us all or die trying

Instead of securing for all the god given rights

To be & To live

Some feigning ignorance

While most know the truth

Why are we all so complicit to our own end?

We all deserve the good clean equal air for all of us to breathe

Not just the old white man with grey hair fortunate enough to own a home with grass to clip and leaves to rake

Cause it’s always about race on a planet where it matters and the form asks

Feeling a little better now

I guess I’ll go home

Try the left

Then turn to the other side

About ready to rest on top of my head

The point being

I can’t lay right

I’m uncomfortable

Opting now to lay on my back... for a while

So aware of everything

Especially what’s missing

Half alive with sensations

Naked in my robe

Skin itching like I’m molting

Clawing at my skin

Just rip me out

Not comfortable in this body

This place

Corner of the world I live in

Is the smallest

Only because I’m in it

Since my imagination is faltering

Any space I enter now

Wherever I lay

I suck up all the air and make it small

I have lost all my big ideas

Mostly I’m forgetting how to hope

My mind brings me no comfort

Trapped. Stuck. Losing. Uncomfortable

INSERT LONG PAUSE AND DEEP BREATH

I will make it through this night though

I did last time

That’s something