#lifenigmatalks

“Empty cans make the most noise.”

I have never imagined I’ll start this month with this vibe to be honest. However, it’s not so bad though. Kinda made myself proud of my inner growth actually. All the self-care shts I did and planning to do works after all. And man, is it a nice feeling.

I really thank God for it, you know. The wisdom. I came to realize, just one week exactly in the month of February that not everyone gets to be that lucky to have that gift from the Lord at an early age. I’m not being so high with myself though, but you know, I think having that peace within just really helps and I am more determined now to advocate on having that.

I’m just crossing my fingers now, that with this in mind and heart, I’ll have a productive and well, more sensible month. Let’s do this, yeah? :)

*photo*

I wrote that intro on the 8th of February hence was talking in present tense and actually hoping for a good month ahead. Now lemme breakdown what happened the entire month. Just tidbits from it of course if I’ve actually successfully posted stuff on here about the things I did that is worth its own blog post. LOLZ.

This month went by so fast. Although it’s a leap year, which technically means, a day longer for the month of February, it still went by so freaking quick. Y’all know how the month started because of my intro. Should I still say something more about it? Hmm, I guess, a few won’t hurt anyone, eh? Because it was one of the reasons after all why I’ve been so eager to do everything that I wanted to be done this month.

*photo*

TBH, it’s technically already 30th of March because goddarn this girl’s procrastination is a big time frustration, I myself have been troubled by it. If you’re reading this now (which hopefully wouldn’t be on April already), me myself and I have handled the problem. THANK GOD!!!

Anyways, lemme think how I should go through this. Because honestly and seriously speaking, February passed by like a LIGHTNING.

Post after another post, so it happens yet again.  Let’s just say, how eventful the start of my February had equally been the same for its ending. Your girl got busy, okay? Let’s just thank God that one week of being home quarantined made me feel unproductive. Hence she’s now on her senses again to finally finish the previous 2 posts before this, so she got to start this one even before actually finishing those two.

How nice, eh? Let’s just hope she got to post this as well before the month ends. Your girl have exactly 1 week to do that now. Let’s see? Hihi.

*photo*

LOLZ. What a fool. One week your face. Girl, it’s already April! ANUNA? *facepalms real hard*

Anyways, as you can see, I just collected all the shits I started writing for the past 2 months. And unfortunately failing big time on finishing them. Thus, we’re here on April, again hoping this will finally be posted already.

I’ve decided to just go on with of course what were the thoughts of those days I started. So, first, let’s go on saying something about how my February started eh? :)

It started with a bang. It was something to be honest, something worth congratulating myself with. You know why? Because somebody tested my self-growth and hey, your girl conquered it! You know that feeling when you actually just felt sorry for the person because that person thought that he/she ate you alive and your knees were shaking of his/her “supposedly intimidating” blabber? Yes, that’s what I was feeling that moment. 

Most of the people who heard about what happened actually asked me why I didn’t fire back and called somebody else’s attention to deal with that person’s nonsensical rage while he/she was at it. Well, to all of you who did suggest that, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. However, for some reason, I was just at peace of knowing that I didn’t react and get down to that person’s level. And that’s why it was easier for me to let it slide since I did not feel embarrassed at all with what the person did. Even if for all we know that was the person’s intention all along. Haha. Although I never forgot that I was called uneducated by that person though. Hihi. I’m not really sure what was that for exactly. Maybe because I didn’t finish any Bachelor’s Degree? Oh well, if that is. I just thought – and still thinking by the way, “Oh fck it, it is true anyways that I don’t have a college diploma.” So, you know, why bother? LMAO. What’s more important to me that time was I stood my ground that I won’t ever stoop so low with somebody who doesn’t know how to comprehend simple statements and more importantly doesn’t know how to do his/her job properly.

After that incident, I realized, sometimes things that cut you to the bones can be your daily reminder to be your better self as you slowly stitch that cut together and mend it. Thus, I got more motivated to work on my inner selves’ peace.

SOOOOO. Moving oooonnn.

February is done. March it is, eh? Well, there’s only two important things that happened in March.

1.       I started working again. Oh yes, I did, folks! Have I mentioned it up there? Nope? Well I’m telling you now. LOLZ. I got so eager to prove myself, remember? This became the result. By the end of February, surprisingly, I found myself emailing my resume and being called for an interview. And despite my epic fail ass, I got hired. Thus, I started the month of March doing a new job.

 *photo*

I’ll be brief with this, just as how brief my stay was in that said job. Hihi. You know, the job was fine. It’s doable by a person like me. I guess the kind of pressure is what I did not like there for the most part. I mean, I can deal with doing things under pressure in most days. BUT. I’M A PERFECTIONIST. When there’s something that I want to do, I always do my best to be good at it. Although in that job, it was like I didn’t have that time to be in the process of it. It was as if I’m expected instantly to be good at my job. 

It’s like they expected you to be at a certain destination already because they know that you can afford any transportation ticket anyway. I mean, even we say that I do like the destination they want me to go to, you can’t just expect me to be there in an instant though. The transportation part of any travel exist for a reason after all. Because realistically speaking, you’ll need to have quite a journey first before you get from point A to point B. Ano ako may teleport? Haha.

Mind you, I did last 2 weeks there before I decided to turn in my resignation, though. I gave it a chance, okay? That’s why I even went back for two weeks. Day after day. Six days a week. Nine o’clock in the morning to most of the time 7 to 8 o’clock in the evening. So I guess, that’s just how the kind of pressure that I had to deal with in that workplace you know. The ends just don’t justify the means. 

Nothing against the company though. Maybe it was just my anxious self, struggling to cope with the stress? Or maybe it’s the bosses’ lack of leadership that made them looking at the incoming sales more than looking after their employees’ well-being? Or maybe both? Who knows?

  *photo*

Enough with that though. Let’s just hope I’ll be able to get my well-deserved salary for those 2 weeks I helped them get through the chaos of their previous employees’ (that went AWOL) messes. Because after all, my resignation was timely anyways since the lockdown started the next day. Which is the second important thing that happened in March.

 2.       Enhanced Community Quarantine happened. Duh, of course this is important. Just like how important the new strain of Coronavirus should have had been taken seriously while it was still in China. Then again, let’s just tell the souls that have passed because of it that we’re looking at the bright side of the situation. Better late than never (USA who? haha), I guess. Thanks to Italy for this actually. If they didn’t get the title of being the epicenter of the pandemic, I don’t think the world will even take it seriously.

 So yeah, see, it’s that important. So important that the said type of quarantine got to extreme ECQ for some places in the country and some even went to a TOTAL (hard) LOCKDOWN. The question now really is, are we ready for the New Normal after an enhanced community quarantine?

April is a very simple month to be honest. April is Enhanced Community Quarantine. April is being at home 24/7. April is finding ways to be productive. April is fighting anxiety. April is fool. Such fool that despite of just being at home all the time, I didn’t get a single time to even think of actually finishing this blog post. LOLZ. April is procrastinating winning and myself is all about endlessly planning and not having got to finish those plans entirely. Well, in my defense, I got to be productive anyways by doing something online through Harvard and completing my exercises. Which actually I’m planning to do again this month. Not april, though, cause it’s already May. And although I finished this before the clock strikes for midnight of the 3rd of May, I’d be publishing this next week because I have a plan for this week that I’ll be incorporating here if I actually got to it. Wish me luck eh? Hihi.

HAHAHAHA I get to start that sh*t I said that I want to do in May though. But I haven’t finished it until now that it’s already the 4th of June. But yeah, if you’re reading this now, I most likely have decided to post it even without photos. So I guess, thanks for reading up until here if you got to this part. Hihi. :)

I think this year is just a matter of realizing how much we value ourselves. How much do we value the people that’s surrounding us? How much do we value all the things that we have? And how much really do we value our future?

It's wayyy past midnight here in the Philippines... Well, yknow, it doesn't really matter if it's Valentine's or not actually. I think one way or another, my husband deserves an appreciation post here on Facebook even if it's not at all necessary. One thing I've known and figured is that although it's such a cliche thing to say that "COMMUNICATION IS THE FCKIN KEY", no relationship is still gonna work out if your commitment to communicate is not built with trust and respect. It's been almost 5 years that we're in a Long Distance Relationship, kinasal nlng kami joskoooo hahaha but lo and behold we're still sailing the ship, no matter how undetectable its voyage is, what I think is important is that we both know and feel that we are moving.

Should I say something na nakakakilig pa ba? Or some freakin' heartwarming sheez? LOL. Let's just say that if you do actually know me and us as a couple, you would know how we've been nurturing the marriage. Like may natanggap ba akong valentines gift or what not, basta alam nang nakakaalam. If you don’t know, well I guess, you don’t know. HAHA. Wag na mag-assume pa, ano? I mean, we’re not in a perfect ship, but we're choosing every single day to do our best to keep its buoyancy as we continue in motion. And I thank God every day that I have a partner that has stayed with me holding its steering wheel.

sooooo eto na nga yung message, ahayyzz HAHAHAHAHA

Sorry Dayne if all you did is to understand my indifference before you went to bed. And thank you for ALWAYS being patient with my attitude coz I know, not everyone can (which has been proven and tested already haha) soo yeahh, through infinities x wormholes, eh? 😉🤗😘

Happy Valentine's Day! ❤️

Where should we start?

Hmm. Let me see, I guess, let’s go with the cool fact that I welcomed and celebrated the new year and new decade in my beloved city of Cebu.

So yes, I did went to Cebu. But of course this happened because I went there with my family. We welcomed the year 2020 in Cebu, which is part of the planned Philippine vacation trip of my grandmother and aunt who are living in USA. They are back there now again actually. Because you know, immigrant life, I guess. And people gotta work to have their well-deserved vacations when they wanna have them. That’s one thing I learned throughout the years of having family living and working abroad to be honest. That getting to be in a different country doesn’t instantly mean “good ass fckin life.” NAH, MAN. If you think it that way, you might as well try it out yourself first before blabbing your fcvkn mouth with nonsense. Hard work, Determination and Perseverance are always the key that you should obtain if you want to have that good life you’re dreaming of. And yes, if people who see me perceive me as a person who is born with a silver spoon, I guess I can’t blame whoever would ever think that way. Because hey, my family made sure that I have a good life and I thank them for it. But hell to the NO that it means everything went smoothly for me, for us! LOLZ. Because if you do really know me personally, you won’t ever think of my life that way. Dude, my life story is worth an MMK or Magpakailanman episode, and we’re not even talking about my lovelife yet nor how I fought through getting attacked by a ruptured Arteriovenous Malformation (Hemorrhagic Stroke). So you know, if you think you actually know me.. which, well, maybe you do, by some part of it at least that I let you have a glimpse of. THINK AGAIN. Hihi.

Here’s some photos from the said trip. (I’ll include them here soon as I get a hold of the photos in good quality condition.)

So that’s how my year started, traveling. But of course not forever is a vacation, by the 2nd week of January, I went back home, directly heading to a seminar/orientation by a Foundation in Pampanga that was celebrating their 33rd Anniversary before going back to Zambales upon landing. Yes, it was tiring because I had to commute still from the airport in Clark to San Fernando by myself under the heat of the sun. Admittedly, there were even times that I couldn’t help but doze off during the whole day event. It was catered for the PWD Sector and Senior Citizens that is very efficient since it’s the Launching of the Community Based Rehabilitation (CBR) in which if you are a leader from these two sectors, you would know how helpful CBR is specially for the IPs. To be honest it’s not one of those seminars that I really got engrossed with. Main factor would probably be because I was really exhausted to even completely comprehend what the facilitators were talking about. Some of them (speakers and topics) were familiar to me though and I have encountered them from my previous visits in Pampanga so I was somehow disappointed with myself on how I behaved throughout the seminar.

Anyways, if you want further information about the Foundation that invited us to the said event, just click here.

If you don’t know it yet and have not read my blogs here before, I think it’s time for you to know now that I’m a PWD volunteer/leader in Olongapo City ─ down to the grass roots in one of the Barangays of the City. I’ll just post a different blog on I guess giving you some insight of how long I’ve been volunteering and/or what on earth I am doing as one. But for now, I must disclose first how lousy of a leader I have been in our Barangay this January. Why? Because firstly, I didn’t get to set a monthly meeting with my members; which could have been the first one of the year. Second, I didn’t get to prioritize my plans for the year for our Barangay. And yes, it’s because I’ve been too focused on taking care of myself, I guess? I forgot that I have sworn an oath to take care of others too before the year 2019 ended. I have loads, huge plans for this year to be honest. Which I guess, since I’ve let the first month of first quarter pass by without doing anything productive about it, I should now work my ass off this 2nd month of the year. YES! I’ll do just that! :) 

Moreover, in the last week of the month, I enjoyed spending it with my uncle’s family, by celebrating my cousin’s birthday in Pampanga. It was fun, even if most of us got cough and colds when we got home after the said staycation. It was still one heck of an experience. You gotta love life you know. You only live once after all.

I am in no way living a perfect life but I do love it, believe it or not. There may be those rough roads, puddles you need to either leap on or just enjoy walking through no matter how messy it can get. Nevertheless, you know, it doesn’t really matter that much at the end of the day because that’s how you’ll grow as an individual. Life gets pretty tough and you will never know as well when the demon would actually test you, but as long as you believe that there are people who see you as who you really are and still love you and will be there for you, EVERYTHING’S GOING TO WORK OUT JUST FINE.

With everything that have happened (may it be from last year? LOLZ. I know some of you, if you guys are reading this right now.. are still probably waiting for me to post something about this somehow plot twist in my life before 2019 ended. HAHA. Hmmm, I might get there one day, okay. Who knows? We’ll see, eh? Hihi.), one thing is evident by this month of January, it is how lucky and grateful I am to have my family.

 vivre la vie au maximum, gens!

K<3

Ooopsie! To the newbies, please excuse my cussing. Hihi. But yeah, I tend to do that here; more often than not actually so, I guess, welcome to my life, eh? Welcome to Lifenigma!

Anyways, let’s get down to it.

Well, this is not really an official entry to be honest. This post is just a filler. You know, that simple proof in this thing you call life to remind myself that even the simplest sh*t matters. And man, it’s not like.. “oh yeah, hey of course, it does.” But it’s actually, “BITCH, LISTEN, IT MATTERS A LOT.”

Why? Bitch, why not?

So, listen, if you’re a friend of mine on Facebook and you’ve seen and read the caption of this post, you would instantly know (but if not, maybe just an idea at least) why I have to post this first before posting an official one (however that freaking OFFICIAL post is actually like. LOLZ).

In addition, if you know me personally and have known what went down in my life in the last quarter of the year 2019, the title above might give you an idea ahead of what this post could possibly be about. It is not intentional, though, it’s just the very first word my mind thought of when it happened.

UGH. Yeah, sure Kirsten, you kept on blabbing again. What on earth was that that happened already?

LOLZ. Yes, ugh, sorry, it happens. Hihi.

Okay, here you go now.

Apparently, what happened is... it happened couple of hours ago, so it’s was. Haha. What happened was, I found out what went wrong with this account why I couldn’t log in last year, when I was trying to open my account and get to post something as a year ender kinda thing. With that said, what I am just trying to convey with this post is that, there’ll be no new site anymore that will be made. Yayy! Because first of all, truly, that sucks since even if admittedly most of my posts here way back have so many errors (grammatically speaking or what not), it’s still saddening to be away from them. So, here we are, back at it again! Which HOPEFULLY, your host will be continuously, actively, be at it again. 

I’ve always believed that there’s reason to everything that’s happening. And you know what makes me keep on going in spite of knowing that? It’s that I always choose the best realistically optimistic possible reason why something like this or like that is happening. I hope you would as well! Because believe it or not, it’s always better to wake up hopeful than full of dread upon starting your day.

Honestly, I got side-tracked for a couple hours, in this exact part while writing. Yeah, shoot my short attention span and all over the place mind. But you’ll see why I had to do them first. I mean, that if you are actually here reading this and you know, thought of browsing and reading more of what is in this blog. Because I assure you, just clicking on those words up there in the header, you’ll see more. And yes, I’m shamelessly plugging now and wasting more of your time just to read more of my nonsense blabs because I did update everything that you can read here that are just extra. Hihi. I’m so sorry. But I hope you liked what you’ve read if you actually spent some time reading one or two more entries from this blog other than this one.

Now, let’s truly begin.

First of all, I guess, as how I always start my entries.. You’re here now in my somewhat personal space, my outlet, my blog, welcome to Lifenigma!

It has been awhile yet again since I last posted a decent entry. If I’m not mistaken, it has been 4 long months. And to be honest, even though it has been that long already, some things are still as complicated as how they were. Although, let me emphasize with “some”, eh? Because for the last couple months, there is at least one thing that have cleared in my life. You wanna know what?

Well, have you ever asked yourself what the Amighty has been thinking why on the name of Him you are alive and has to live your frigging life? SAME. I know. Especially in times when you just don’t know what to do with your life. Yes, I have asked the same question maybe more than a thousand times that He probably got tired of it already and now just showed me how I could determine the answer to my never ending query.

It wasn’t easy, I must say. It took me awhile to figure it out. And then one day, you know, I realized, damn, this is me. This is my purpose. This is the reason why I’m not laying stone cold dead 9 feet under. I found it and my passion for it has what kept me driven to wake up every single day with a very optimistic mind, heart and soul.

So you know what? There may be things that are very complicated until this moment I’m typing this entry out, but by just thinking of this purpose of mine in this world, I’m full, I’m complete and I’m sure that I’ll get by no matter what. All these complicated things that are bugging me are just bonuses of accepting to live the life He still gave me a chance to live, one more time. I mean, this may not be the last time that He’ll let me, but who knows right?This might be the last one, too, already but I don’t mind anymore. Because I know by now that I got to live it with a purpose, and not just surviving it for my own benefit.

You’re probably itching to know now what on earth is this girl has been talking about, aren’t you? Well, if you are my friend or even just an acquaintance from somewhere now that I’ve been visiting to, you would know somehow. You’ll probably have a guess that is probably right anyway. But if you’re not and are just here because you saw my tweet or post somewhere about this and got curious so you clicked on it and tried reading, then let me tell a brief story first.

Hi, Hello! This girl’s name is Kirsten but usually, people call me “Kaye” now. It’s actually just K like the letter because that’s from my nickname before which was ‘KL’ but somewhere along the way of my life, some people in it were lazy enough to not include L in calling me hence it ended up with K. But I’m too extra to just stuck myself with a one letter name so I created my own name that most people actually thought now that it’s my real second name, so yeah. Anyways, enough about my name. That’s actually not the story that I want you to know. But at least now you know, right? Hihi. Okay, moving on.

I think let’s just cut this story short. I’m 23 now so it has been how many years now? LOL, do the math, man. But yeah, when I was 17, it was summer, April 9th of 2013 if I can remember it correctly. It was around noon, we were taking a break from arranging the decorations in the garden of our client where her son’s going to have his party. We were having our lunch, talking about stuff that I couldn’t really remember anymore. Then I went for a glass of ice cold coke, took a sip and the next thing I know is there was this electricity-like that went from my head straight out to my left arm that it felt like it’s going to get removed from my body on how strong the current that went throught it was. When I got my consciousness back, I was already in the ICU with my head feeling like they’re going to break open and all I could think of was “Why isn’t there a priest here, yet? Am I not going to die already?” But somehow, I survived one whole week aching in the ICU with tubes attached to my groin, my mouth, my nose, my arm, my hand. Somehow, I just woke up one day, the nurses were already rolling me up to a Recovery Room. And in the Recovery Room was when I figured I could not move anything on the left part of my body anymore. It was when I talked, my saliva would just drip uncontrollably on the side of my mouth. It was when I wanted to scratch my arm where my IV was taped on, but I couldn’t even lift my left arm. It was when I wanted to pee, only to realize that there was a catheter in my you-know-where. It was when I got hungry and asked for a food and they gave me a blended shit and fed me through an NGT (Nasogastric Tube). It was when for the first time in a very long time, I had to be bathe by other people. And all I had to do was go with all of it because it was the situation that I had to deal with.

Okay, story time is over.

Was it sad? Was it depressing? Well, that was only my vague memories in the hospital, ladies and gentleman. But everything that happened clearly in my head after that fate I had to get through, well, let’s just not talk about it. 2013-2014 were the years that I had to deal with all of that. One takeaway from those years? Depression isn’t just a phase. It’s something that you will just learn to live with. Ever wonder why I need this blog? It doesn’t really do much to me just like how usual bloggers out there right now are benefiting from it. No, I don’t have this for things like that. I tried though, I won’t deny that. But I realized, no, this is not that. This is my outlet. This is where I can breathe all the bottled up thoughts and feelings that I have to let go of somehow because I wouldn’t ever get to do that with anyone in person.

Now, again, Kirsten, get to the point, yeah? What is this purpose of yours that you have found? LOL. Okay, folks! Relax. Hihi. Here you go.

It’s pretty obvious, I guess. Especially to those people who have an idea of what I have been doing this past year. Yes, I have been volunteering with stuff that has something to do with the sector of Persons with Disabilities. I have been since 2017. However, I guess, 2017 was more on like empowering myself first as a person with disability that has accepted her new given life as a cause of having an acquired disability. In 2018 though, I began to start seeing the potential in me of becoming a leader. The potential that somehow, some other people had seen first than seeing it myself first. And in this year, I have embraced that. It was tiring. It was even nerve-wracking at some point. It actually came to a point also that it overwhelmed me somehow. But you know what? While all of those were what I was feeling, I’m still willing to do everything just for something that it needs for it to be done. And that’s how I found it, my purpose. That in the same way I got myself empowered despite my disability, I want to help other people with disabilities too to see the silver lining of their situation. It’s not going to be easy, I know that. I’ve seen it for a year now. But I know, one day, if not all, at least there will be more PWDs out there that wouldn’t be afraid to get out anymore because they know they are also part of the society, that they matter. And somehow, I hope, one day, the community would be more disability inclusive already and not see and treat them as an outlier.

And you know, just as simple as knowing that I’ve got to acknowledge them, that’s enough for me. Because, you know, sometimes, people just need to feel that there’s a person that sees him/her and would be willing to listen of what he/she is going to say. Sometimes some people just want to share something that happened to them and all you have to do is listen, and you know sometimes that already means a lot to somebody.

Anyways, I’m not exaggerating here, okay? I’m not even trying to put myself on the pedestal of being an effin good samaritan. Cause well, let me tell you, almost all my co-leaders actually know how much of a bitch I can be when I’m out of it with being an angel. LMAO. You get my point there already, I guess, yeah?

You’re probably wondering now why I’m stressing that topic so much in this entry when this is a year-ender one. It’s simple, I think. It’s just that I’m very thankful that at the end of this very rocky year that I’ve had in 2018, I got to end it with this very meaningful turn of events. It’s very simple, if you would think of it. It’s just one thing. But I guess it’s just that meaningful and powerful that it let me look over all the not-so-nice things that have happened to me this year. Frankly, I can’t even feel the pain from them hard times anymore. I haven’t forgotten them and I don’t think I’d ever will, but you know, it’s not that much of a big deal to me anymore.

I know and I’m sure of it that one of these days, I will have to face them  ̶  you know, family matters, my lovelife and I should probably include here my work too. But as I said up there, these are all just bonuses to me already. I’ll deal with them in time. But for now, wherever those other things are at in this life of mine, I’m just glad that they are there making me this strong woman that I am now.

My dear 2018, with all the pain and disappointments you brought me, I still thank you. So please, tara na sa NEXT! Hehe. Just kiddin, not really that in a hurry. Not much but I don’t think anyone has a choice now anyway but be ready for another year, yeah?

I hope you all have reflected on the things 2018 had brought you, may they be good or not so good. You still have time to do it. 2019 is just around the corner now. And as most people say, NEW YEAR, NEW ME! Can be. But always remember, It’s just another day to live by. Just keep on going. And bear this in mind, you don’t have to be a brand new you, you just have to make sure that you are here willing to be better than you were earlier.

 Vivre la vie au maximum, folks! Bonne Année!

                         ~Kaye