#lifenigma

It's wayyy past midnight here in the Philippines... Well, yknow, it doesn't really matter if it's Valentine's or not actually. I think one way or another, my husband deserves an appreciation post here on Facebook even if it's not at all necessary. One thing I've known and figured is that although it's such a cliche thing to say that "COMMUNICATION IS THE FCKIN KEY", no relationship is still gonna work out if your commitment to communicate is not built with trust and respect. It's been almost 5 years that we're in a Long Distance Relationship, kinasal nlng kami joskoooo hahaha but lo and behold we're still sailing the ship, no matter how undetectable its voyage is, what I think is important is that we both know and feel that we are moving.

Should I say something na nakakakilig pa ba? Or some freakin' heartwarming sheez? LOL. Let's just say that if you do actually know me and us as a couple, you would know how we've been nurturing the marriage. Like may natanggap ba akong valentines gift or what not, basta alam nang nakakaalam. If you don’t know, well I guess, you don’t know. HAHA. Wag na mag-assume pa, ano? I mean, we’re not in a perfect ship, but we're choosing every single day to do our best to keep its buoyancy as we continue in motion. And I thank God every day that I have a partner that has stayed with me holding its steering wheel.

sooooo eto na nga yung message, ahayyzz HAHAHAHAHA

Sorry Dayne if all you did is to understand my indifference before you went to bed. And thank you for ALWAYS being patient with my attitude coz I know, not everyone can (which has been proven and tested already haha) soo yeahh, through infinities x wormholes, eh? 😉🤗😘

Happy Valentine's Day! ❤️

Where should we start?

Hmm. Let me see, I guess, let’s go with the cool fact that I welcomed and celebrated the new year and new decade in my beloved city of Cebu.

So yes, I did went to Cebu. But of course this happened because I went there with my family. We welcomed the year 2020 in Cebu, which is part of the planned Philippine vacation trip of my grandmother and aunt who are living in USA. They are back there now again actually. Because you know, immigrant life, I guess. And people gotta work to have their well-deserved vacations when they wanna have them. That’s one thing I learned throughout the years of having family living and working abroad to be honest. That getting to be in a different country doesn’t instantly mean “good ass fckin life.” NAH, MAN. If you think it that way, you might as well try it out yourself first before blabbing your fcvkn mouth with nonsense. Hard work, Determination and Perseverance are always the key that you should obtain if you want to have that good life you’re dreaming of. And yes, if people who see me perceive me as a person who is born with a silver spoon, I guess I can’t blame whoever would ever think that way. Because hey, my family made sure that I have a good life and I thank them for it. But hell to the NO that it means everything went smoothly for me, for us! LOLZ. Because if you do really know me personally, you won’t ever think of my life that way. Dude, my life story is worth an MMK or Magpakailanman episode, and we’re not even talking about my lovelife yet nor how I fought through getting attacked by a ruptured Arteriovenous Malformation (Hemorrhagic Stroke). So you know, if you think you actually know me.. which, well, maybe you do, by some part of it at least that I let you have a glimpse of. THINK AGAIN. Hihi.

Here’s some photos from the said trip. (I’ll include them here soon as I get a hold of the photos in good quality condition.)

So that’s how my year started, traveling. But of course not forever is a vacation, by the 2nd week of January, I went back home, directly heading to a seminar/orientation by a Foundation in Pampanga that was celebrating their 33rd Anniversary before going back to Zambales upon landing. Yes, it was tiring because I had to commute still from the airport in Clark to San Fernando by myself under the heat of the sun. Admittedly, there were even times that I couldn’t help but doze off during the whole day event. It was catered for the PWD Sector and Senior Citizens that is very efficient since it’s the Launching of the Community Based Rehabilitation (CBR) in which if you are a leader from these two sectors, you would know how helpful CBR is specially for the IPs. To be honest it’s not one of those seminars that I really got engrossed with. Main factor would probably be because I was really exhausted to even completely comprehend what the facilitators were talking about. Some of them (speakers and topics) were familiar to me though and I have encountered them from my previous visits in Pampanga so I was somehow disappointed with myself on how I behaved throughout the seminar.

Anyways, if you want further information about the Foundation that invited us to the said event, just click here.

If you don’t know it yet and have not read my blogs here before, I think it’s time for you to know now that I’m a PWD volunteer/leader in Olongapo City ─ down to the grass roots in one of the Barangays of the City. I’ll just post a different blog on I guess giving you some insight of how long I’ve been volunteering and/or what on earth I am doing as one. But for now, I must disclose first how lousy of a leader I have been in our Barangay this January. Why? Because firstly, I didn’t get to set a monthly meeting with my members; which could have been the first one of the year. Second, I didn’t get to prioritize my plans for the year for our Barangay. And yes, it’s because I’ve been too focused on taking care of myself, I guess? I forgot that I have sworn an oath to take care of others too before the year 2019 ended. I have loads, huge plans for this year to be honest. Which I guess, since I’ve let the first month of first quarter pass by without doing anything productive about it, I should now work my ass off this 2nd month of the year. YES! I’ll do just that! :) 

Moreover, in the last week of the month, I enjoyed spending it with my uncle’s family, by celebrating my cousin’s birthday in Pampanga. It was fun, even if most of us got cough and colds when we got home after the said staycation. It was still one heck of an experience. You gotta love life you know. You only live once after all.

I am in no way living a perfect life but I do love it, believe it or not. There may be those rough roads, puddles you need to either leap on or just enjoy walking through no matter how messy it can get. Nevertheless, you know, it doesn’t really matter that much at the end of the day because that’s how you’ll grow as an individual. Life gets pretty tough and you will never know as well when the demon would actually test you, but as long as you believe that there are people who see you as who you really are and still love you and will be there for you, EVERYTHING’S GOING TO WORK OUT JUST FINE.

With everything that have happened (may it be from last year? LOLZ. I know some of you, if you guys are reading this right now.. are still probably waiting for me to post something about this somehow plot twist in my life before 2019 ended. HAHA. Hmmm, I might get there one day, okay. Who knows? We’ll see, eh? Hihi.), one thing is evident by this month of January, it is how lucky and grateful I am to have my family.

 vivre la vie au maximum, gens!

K<3

Ooopsie! To the newbies, please excuse my cussing. Hihi. But yeah, I tend to do that here; more often than not actually so, I guess, welcome to my life, eh? Welcome to Lifenigma!

Anyways, let’s get down to it.

Well, this is not really an official entry to be honest. This post is just a filler. You know, that simple proof in this thing you call life to remind myself that even the simplest sh*t matters. And man, it’s not like.. “oh yeah, hey of course, it does.” But it’s actually, “BITCH, LISTEN, IT MATTERS A LOT.”

Why? Bitch, why not?

So, listen, if you’re a friend of mine on Facebook and you’ve seen and read the caption of this post, you would instantly know (but if not, maybe just an idea at least) why I have to post this first before posting an official one (however that freaking OFFICIAL post is actually like. LOLZ).

In addition, if you know me personally and have known what went down in my life in the last quarter of the year 2019, the title above might give you an idea ahead of what this post could possibly be about. It is not intentional, though, it’s just the very first word my mind thought of when it happened.

UGH. Yeah, sure Kirsten, you kept on blabbing again. What on earth was that that happened already?

LOLZ. Yes, ugh, sorry, it happens. Hihi.

Okay, here you go now.

Apparently, what happened is... it happened couple of hours ago, so it’s was. Haha. What happened was, I found out what went wrong with this account why I couldn’t log in last year, when I was trying to open my account and get to post something as a year ender kinda thing. With that said, what I am just trying to convey with this post is that, there’ll be no new site anymore that will be made. Yayy! Because first of all, truly, that sucks since even if admittedly most of my posts here way back have so many errors (grammatically speaking or what not), it’s still saddening to be away from them. So, here we are, back at it again! Which HOPEFULLY, your host will be continuously, actively, be at it again. 

I’ve always believed that there’s reason to everything that’s happening. And you know what makes me keep on going in spite of knowing that? It’s that I always choose the best realistically optimistic possible reason why something like this or like that is happening. I hope you would as well! Because believe it or not, it’s always better to wake up hopeful than full of dread upon starting your day.

Honestly, I got side-tracked for a couple hours, in this exact part while writing. Yeah, shoot my short attention span and all over the place mind. But you’ll see why I had to do them first. I mean, that if you are actually here reading this and you know, thought of browsing and reading more of what is in this blog. Because I assure you, just clicking on those words up there in the header, you’ll see more. And yes, I’m shamelessly plugging now and wasting more of your time just to read more of my nonsense blabs because I did update everything that you can read here that are just extra. Hihi. I’m so sorry. But I hope you liked what you’ve read if you actually spent some time reading one or two more entries from this blog other than this one.

Now, let’s truly begin.

First of all, I guess, as how I always start my entries.. You’re here now in my somewhat personal space, my outlet, my blog, welcome to Lifenigma!

It has been awhile yet again since I last posted a decent entry. If I’m not mistaken, it has been 4 long months. And to be honest, even though it has been that long already, some things are still as complicated as how they were. Although, let me emphasize with “some”, eh? Because for the last couple months, there is at least one thing that have cleared in my life. You wanna know what?

Well, have you ever asked yourself what the Amighty has been thinking why on the name of Him you are alive and has to live your frigging life? SAME. I know. Especially in times when you just don’t know what to do with your life. Yes, I have asked the same question maybe more than a thousand times that He probably got tired of it already and now just showed me how I could determine the answer to my never ending query.

It wasn’t easy, I must say. It took me awhile to figure it out. And then one day, you know, I realized, damn, this is me. This is my purpose. This is the reason why I’m not laying stone cold dead 9 feet under. I found it and my passion for it has what kept me driven to wake up every single day with a very optimistic mind, heart and soul.

So you know what? There may be things that are very complicated until this moment I’m typing this entry out, but by just thinking of this purpose of mine in this world, I’m full, I’m complete and I’m sure that I’ll get by no matter what. All these complicated things that are bugging me are just bonuses of accepting to live the life He still gave me a chance to live, one more time. I mean, this may not be the last time that He’ll let me, but who knows right?This might be the last one, too, already but I don’t mind anymore. Because I know by now that I got to live it with a purpose, and not just surviving it for my own benefit.

You’re probably itching to know now what on earth is this girl has been talking about, aren’t you? Well, if you are my friend or even just an acquaintance from somewhere now that I’ve been visiting to, you would know somehow. You’ll probably have a guess that is probably right anyway. But if you’re not and are just here because you saw my tweet or post somewhere about this and got curious so you clicked on it and tried reading, then let me tell a brief story first.

Hi, Hello! This girl’s name is Kirsten but usually, people call me “Kaye” now. It’s actually just K like the letter because that’s from my nickname before which was ‘KL’ but somewhere along the way of my life, some people in it were lazy enough to not include L in calling me hence it ended up with K. But I’m too extra to just stuck myself with a one letter name so I created my own name that most people actually thought now that it’s my real second name, so yeah. Anyways, enough about my name. That’s actually not the story that I want you to know. But at least now you know, right? Hihi. Okay, moving on.

I think let’s just cut this story short. I’m 23 now so it has been how many years now? LOL, do the math, man. But yeah, when I was 17, it was summer, April 9th of 2013 if I can remember it correctly. It was around noon, we were taking a break from arranging the decorations in the garden of our client where her son’s going to have his party. We were having our lunch, talking about stuff that I couldn’t really remember anymore. Then I went for a glass of ice cold coke, took a sip and the next thing I know is there was this electricity-like that went from my head straight out to my left arm that it felt like it’s going to get removed from my body on how strong the current that went throught it was. When I got my consciousness back, I was already in the ICU with my head feeling like they’re going to break open and all I could think of was “Why isn’t there a priest here, yet? Am I not going to die already?” But somehow, I survived one whole week aching in the ICU with tubes attached to my groin, my mouth, my nose, my arm, my hand. Somehow, I just woke up one day, the nurses were already rolling me up to a Recovery Room. And in the Recovery Room was when I figured I could not move anything on the left part of my body anymore. It was when I talked, my saliva would just drip uncontrollably on the side of my mouth. It was when I wanted to scratch my arm where my IV was taped on, but I couldn’t even lift my left arm. It was when I wanted to pee, only to realize that there was a catheter in my you-know-where. It was when I got hungry and asked for a food and they gave me a blended shit and fed me through an NGT (Nasogastric Tube). It was when for the first time in a very long time, I had to be bathe by other people. And all I had to do was go with all of it because it was the situation that I had to deal with.

Okay, story time is over.

Was it sad? Was it depressing? Well, that was only my vague memories in the hospital, ladies and gentleman. But everything that happened clearly in my head after that fate I had to get through, well, let’s just not talk about it. 2013-2014 were the years that I had to deal with all of that. One takeaway from those years? Depression isn’t just a phase. It’s something that you will just learn to live with. Ever wonder why I need this blog? It doesn’t really do much to me just like how usual bloggers out there right now are benefiting from it. No, I don’t have this for things like that. I tried though, I won’t deny that. But I realized, no, this is not that. This is my outlet. This is where I can breathe all the bottled up thoughts and feelings that I have to let go of somehow because I wouldn’t ever get to do that with anyone in person.

Now, again, Kirsten, get to the point, yeah? What is this purpose of yours that you have found? LOL. Okay, folks! Relax. Hihi. Here you go.

It’s pretty obvious, I guess. Especially to those people who have an idea of what I have been doing this past year. Yes, I have been volunteering with stuff that has something to do with the sector of Persons with Disabilities. I have been since 2017. However, I guess, 2017 was more on like empowering myself first as a person with disability that has accepted her new given life as a cause of having an acquired disability. In 2018 though, I began to start seeing the potential in me of becoming a leader. The potential that somehow, some other people had seen first than seeing it myself first. And in this year, I have embraced that. It was tiring. It was even nerve-wracking at some point. It actually came to a point also that it overwhelmed me somehow. But you know what? While all of those were what I was feeling, I’m still willing to do everything just for something that it needs for it to be done. And that’s how I found it, my purpose. That in the same way I got myself empowered despite my disability, I want to help other people with disabilities too to see the silver lining of their situation. It’s not going to be easy, I know that. I’ve seen it for a year now. But I know, one day, if not all, at least there will be more PWDs out there that wouldn’t be afraid to get out anymore because they know they are also part of the society, that they matter. And somehow, I hope, one day, the community would be more disability inclusive already and not see and treat them as an outlier.

And you know, just as simple as knowing that I’ve got to acknowledge them, that’s enough for me. Because, you know, sometimes, people just need to feel that there’s a person that sees him/her and would be willing to listen of what he/she is going to say. Sometimes some people just want to share something that happened to them and all you have to do is listen, and you know sometimes that already means a lot to somebody.

Anyways, I’m not exaggerating here, okay? I’m not even trying to put myself on the pedestal of being an effin good samaritan. Cause well, let me tell you, almost all my co-leaders actually know how much of a bitch I can be when I’m out of it with being an angel. LMAO. You get my point there already, I guess, yeah?

You’re probably wondering now why I’m stressing that topic so much in this entry when this is a year-ender one. It’s simple, I think. It’s just that I’m very thankful that at the end of this very rocky year that I’ve had in 2018, I got to end it with this very meaningful turn of events. It’s very simple, if you would think of it. It’s just one thing. But I guess it’s just that meaningful and powerful that it let me look over all the not-so-nice things that have happened to me this year. Frankly, I can’t even feel the pain from them hard times anymore. I haven’t forgotten them and I don’t think I’d ever will, but you know, it’s not that much of a big deal to me anymore.

I know and I’m sure of it that one of these days, I will have to face them  ̶  you know, family matters, my lovelife and I should probably include here my work too. But as I said up there, these are all just bonuses to me already. I’ll deal with them in time. But for now, wherever those other things are at in this life of mine, I’m just glad that they are there making me this strong woman that I am now.

My dear 2018, with all the pain and disappointments you brought me, I still thank you. So please, tara na sa NEXT! Hehe. Just kiddin, not really that in a hurry. Not much but I don’t think anyone has a choice now anyway but be ready for another year, yeah?

I hope you all have reflected on the things 2018 had brought you, may they be good or not so good. You still have time to do it. 2019 is just around the corner now. And as most people say, NEW YEAR, NEW ME! Can be. But always remember, It’s just another day to live by. Just keep on going. And bear this in mind, you don’t have to be a brand new you, you just have to make sure that you are here willing to be better than you were earlier.

 Vivre la vie au maximum, folks! Bonne Année!

                         ~Kaye