- SAY (@intpfemale )

Just a random thought that came to my mind in terms of the question "why did you close the door?" in it's literal sense and metaphorical too.

I've always been asked by people why am I so guarded and why all doors leading to me are closed at times. And I'd never been able to provide them with answers to satisfy this question of theirs.

So I use that as a shield to maintain distance from them instead of just saying that I need space to be by myself.

I somehow know if I use this means to keep them off, they might never return but nevertheless I use it anyway.

(even in a circular room)

So I always prefer corners in a room, especially when I am on my mobile, laptop or drawing /writing. Because I don't want people to come over and look, it's like . . . invasion of my space and I feel offended.

So I'd rather prefer sitting in a place where I am covered from all four sides but since that is not possible in places like classroom, I prefer being cover form at least 3 sides.

And if that is not possible atleast I would love to have my back covered so I don't have to worry about someone coming over from behind .

(I could manage to look out for the other 3 sides. eg : If I see Susan approaching from left, atleast I would be prepared to hide my stuff and have an answer so as to what was I doing )

And when these options are not available atleast I would love to have a window by my side.(windows make me feel like I still have my freedom)

And when neither of the above options are available in a crowed social space (classroom especially )

I just had an emotional outbreak, like literally, I wrote down a whole post about what I felt like and posted it on instagram. It was about the death of a loved one, I had been holding back that since months now, and then yesterday I just couldn't handle the burden and let go. It did feel good, to get out those emotions since I had never spoken about it to anyone and no one knew about it. So it probably was like a surprise to them. BUTTT. . . now I feel so vulnerable - exposed - I just feel like I let my weakness know to the whole world and now they will not respect me or treat me like they used to.

I've been thinking about it since then continuously. Not to mention the immense amount of time I took to decide if I should post it or not in the first place. (out of the very fear of being judged)

PS - What's strange though, I never really care about being judged otherwise, like for my style, the way I act or just stay alone. This does not scare me so much. But being emotionally exposed does!

Relationships seem like solely emotional grounds to me now. Talking to partners is like playing Battleship: Feelings Edition. I’m good at picking up subtle changes in emotional states around me, but once I figure that out, I’m pretty much calling E5 into the abyss and hoping for a hit.

Worse is expectations of how I should feel when xyz occurs and how I should configure my face and body to demonstrate the correct response. The guessing games never end, so there’s little room left for the way that I think and what I need in a relationship, like the freedom to word vomit and nitpick at ideas aloud. At best, I get bored when my partner doesn’t encourage and support my Ti. Too long forcing Fe and neglecting Ti and I have to up my meds again so I don’t upend myself.