Say

Out of all the lyrics from TTPD this song quite literally felt like a fact, a truth of life.

All my life I've told myself,

"I'm a real tough kid, I can handle my shit"

I've put so much pressure on myself to be perfect, so that no one can ever see my flaws or point out any mistakes.

I do my work well and I take pride in it. I recheck everything I do as I don't like making mistakes , so when someone points out something, it feels like I've let myself down.

But over the years I've realised that not making mistakes was my worst mistake, when you're young you need to make mistakes because that's how you learn, that's how you grow.

I think this has more to do with how I grew up, my parents made so many mistakes but I wasn't allowed to, and I didn't want to end up like them so I tried harder to be perfect for everyone. But all I did was ended up hurting and burdening myself more, thinking back I put way too much pressure on a Kid, I was too young to act so mature.

There are few people in my life now with whom I can be a kid again, feel safe, its rare but they exists and meeting them is healing my inner child slowly.

I hope everyone heals from what they've put themselves through and what life has put them through. 💖❤️

Taylor helps me heal #ttpd ❤️💖

I have *trash* in the name of a father. I hope my kids don't have to go through this, I hope I end up with a good man someday. ✨

It was Valentine's Day yesterday, and everyone was celebrating love with their special someone/ partner. But all I kept wondering was Will I ever find the right one? Will I be able to make a good choice? Will luck stay by my side?

Well coz my mother made a really bad decision, gave up everything for a man who's as good as trash but someone she still wouldn't leave at any cost. Pretty toxic! XD Kinda scares me if I end up excepting the toxicity in my life and ruin my own and my future kids life in the process.

Pretty scary shit!!!!!

I don't know why, I never really speak much about my life with other people. Because I love dealing with things on my own, it makes me feel strong.

But when it gets too much to deal with I try to open up-to people that I consider close.

But what I have observed is that somehow I don't (never) get the kind of sympathy, encouragement or emotional support that other humans usually get when they tell their sad stories.

And this hurts, knowing that I don't often open up and when I do, my problems aren't even considered problems , whereas people dealing with problems half of mine are showered with sympathy and affection.

(eg: I still remember being in class and the girl next to me be being sad and all hyper over a friend of friend who was sick and in hospital and my friends giving her hugs and saying its all gonna be fine and trying to calm her down by saying positive, motivational stuff while me sitting exactly besides her just a few days after my sister's death . Which they knew about but I never got the kind of support this person got from them. Maybe because I kept a straight face all along and never complained about it)

And even recently when I told them my entire story about B12 (see my previous post for that) - I was told to not think about it and all and then it ended with - "everyone has some or the other problem, everyone just appears happy on the surface."

" If it all falls down, I'll be fine. I've done it once, I can do it twice."

Been saying this to myself all mylife. I'm pretty sure I've done it more than twice now.

Life is just so unpredictable and keeps putting something at you one after the other, just when I feel the storms have passed, a new wave crashes down on me. Been sailing in turbulent waters for soo long now, it's tiring to always try to keep yourself afloat. But then again giving up isn't something I'm good at. It's just not me. So, I keep smiling and sailing.

I just tell myself I've done it once, I can sure as hell do it twice. Crazy Dumb me🤷‍♀

( Had thought of it while listening to "All falls down" some years back. Love the lyrics to that song. It surely is something I relate to )

I'm a self proclaimed therapist according to my enfj friend 🤷‍♀

(but I actually feel I'm pretty good so feel free to message if you just wanna talk)

I guess this is what depression does to you. Honestly, I've lived so many years without even acknowledging it.

Love is not ment to tie you up but to set you free and if I can't find a love like that, then it's not meant for me.

What do you do when the man supposed to take care of your heart keeps on breaking it?

Why do you still love the people who bring you pain?

Why do you choose to stay and not walk away?

I guess I may never know.

This lockdown is making me crazy, my house is not the place I'd like to be in 24x7 especially with everyone inside all at once. - All of you'll trapped in dysfunctional families , I feel you. Be strong, we'll get through this.

1 / 2

"There sitting at Marine Drive, it's difficult not to get charmed by the view, the vibe.

It's hypnotising.

You lose sense of time, fear and burdens alike. It's like the place froze you, captured you in it's warm embrace, you can't help but sit still and watch as the world moves around , as the sun sets - you watch it move from the sky to the sea. You watch as the colours change from bright blue to yellow and ambers, a flush of reds and pinks. Soon flooding with voilets and deep blues . You notice the halt, how the sky that was in motion stopped. The colours, now gone. Covered in pitch deep blue, dark as ever, you can feel the cold, the warmth no more. But yet you sit still. Still mesmerized, still a captive to the magic you saw unfold right in front of your eyes. "

I swear I was gonna write about love, my lover and of how I know I'm in love with him. But, I couldn't help and not describe this place that we're at.

It deserves a love letter.

"Maybe I fell in love with this place long before I fell in love with him."