#intpconfession

I crave a love so deep, that I'd do anything for that person, anything to protect and keep them safe. It's scary because I don't know if I'll ever find someone to love like that.

So I use that as a shield to maintain distance from them instead of just saying that I need space to be by myself.

I somehow know if I use this means to keep them off, they might never return but nevertheless I use it anyway.

My parents/friends or just any person who knows me or think like they know me - always make me feel like my opinion/wants/ideas/principles are trival/insignificant.

They always want me to value their useless and unnecessary emotions and when I show or cry about things that I value, they say I'm making a "fuss" or being a "drama queen" , which is not the case since I only act like this when things really matter to me. But they just don't understand.

They all come at me, it's like a one against all battle. And it's so tough, having to fight for what you feel important when everyone out there is waiting to prove you wrong. Most of them just want me to admit that I'm wrong . But I know I'm not.

Most of the time I let things slip by bc I know it's useless fighting with such low beings but I won't back up when those things really mean something to me. But I just feel this is unfair towards me since I have to fight to prove my point while they just want me to willingly accept theirs.

And then got confused about which type of hug should I give when I meet a person because there were just too many types to choose from.😩

I just had an emotional outbreak, like literally, I wrote down a whole post about what I felt like and posted it on instagram. It was about the death of a loved one, I had been holding back that since months now, and then yesterday I just couldn't handle the burden and let go. It did feel good, to get out those emotions since I had never spoken about it to anyone and no one knew about it. So it probably was like a surprise to them. BUTTT. . . now I feel so vulnerable - exposed - I just feel like I let my weakness know to the whole world and now they will not respect me or treat me like they used to.

I've been thinking about it since then continuously. Not to mention the immense amount of time I took to decide if I should post it or not in the first place. (out of the very fear of being judged)

PS - What's strange though, I never really care about being judged otherwise, like for my style, the way I act or just stay alone. This does not scare me so much. But being emotionally exposed does!