May 12, 2025
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Basically what I believe most illiad missions were like
Agamemnon: I have a very difficult and dangerous mission for one of you.
Diomedes: ME ME! I WANNA GO ON IT!!
Agamemnon: Okay, useless prick who will never be better than your father, who do you want to take with you?
Diomedes, looking at Odysseus who is frantically shaking his head at him and is exhausted: my best friend Ody, of course!
Is it any surprise I like me some Greek Mythology?
I hate the modern depictions of Helen/Paris/Menelaus.
Menelaus was a good man, Helen was manipulated by Aphrodite and Paris is…Paris. Fuck that guy. Not literally, he doesn’t deserve it.
The Iliad be like:
Paris: Any advice for your dear husband as he goes out to duel?
Helen turns to Paris. She is wearing a ‘Team Menelaus’ hat, a ‘I love my real husband shirt’ and her right hand is covered by a ‘Menelaus #1’ giant, foam hand.
Helen: Die. Preferably, screaming.
Paris watches Helen stand atop the walls. She raises her shirt, flashing her boobs in Menelaus’ direction. On them is written ‘Kick His Ass, Baby’.
The entire Greek army stares. Except Odysseus. Menelaus gives them the death glare. The entire Greek army awkwardly looks away. Except Odysseus.
I also love the idea of Odysseus and Menelaus being Ancient Greek Wifeguys.
Odysseus walks into Menelaus’ tent. Menelaus looks up hopefully.
Menelaus: *hopefully* Wife?
Odysseus: *shaking his head* Not wife.
Menelaus: *sadly* Miss wife.
Odysseus: *sadly* Miss wife too.
Several hours and jugs of wine later…
Agamemnon steps into the tent.
Odysseus and Menelaus: *drunk and crying hysterically* Want wife!!!
Agamemnon backs out of the tent.
I also, also feel like Helen may harbor some resentment towards Aphrodite.
Aphrodite appears in front of the Palace in Sparta.
Aphrodite: *smiling happily* Hey, gurl!
Helen immediately runs up to her and decks the divine being in the face. Aphrodite goes down like a sack of bricks. Helen returns inside. Menelaus looks between the unconscious Goddess and the threshold of his home. After a moment, he follows his wife inside and closes the door. Aphrodite lays there for several hours.
Achilles: *mindlessly flirting with Patroclus* Patroclus: *actually flirts back* Achilles: Patroclus: Achilles: Patroclus: You're not going to say anything? Achilles, panicking: I don't know. I didn't think I'd get this far.
Agamemnon: the girls are fighting
Agamemnon: [readjusts his glasses, squinting] by god… it appears I was mistaken
Agamemnon: They're…my goodness…by god
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Unfailing healer of the Achaean army, Asclepius' only son from the land of Tricca, brave in combat:
Odysseus: *watching Telemachus play with a wooden horse*
Penelope: Honey. What are you doing?
Odysseus: now now, Penelope. Something tells me I'll need this one day.
Let this be canon, please!
Penelope: This is my husband, Odysseus, and this is his boyfriend Diomedes.