#if you squint..

i really like the idea of post-canon jfj returning to britain because he would just Not be okay. At all. which like obviously. who would be. but he would be so Uniquely not okay. we see through his storytelling and his confession to francis that he is always trying to create for himself a "great gilded life." and i love that phrasing. a Gilded life. because he passes off every horrifying terrible wretched thing that happens to him as a brilliant, daring exploit, and something that makes him Really Cool, actually. he turns every traumatic event he endures into essentially a form of marketing for himself. and their years in the ice are just about as bad as it gets. so what is someone whose primary defense mechanism their entire life's been turning their trauma into glory to do? continue doing that. build a new frame around themself. gild the walls of what they experienced. tell a story. retreat into the belief that you are better because of what happened, that it could not possibly have wounded you so deeply as you fear it did. and yet. and Yet. we saw throughout the entire expedition, but i'd say most especially after franklin died, just how Young james is. it's not obscure history to know he was passed over to lead the expedition because he was too young. and yet he had to lead it anyway, because franklin died like immediately. which was really embarrassing honestly. he had to be a leader and feel the crushing weight of everyone's death and everyone's suffering on top of his own and clearly in the moment he was Not coping well. and he would have to live with that after. obviously the degree to which things impact him would depend on when and how you choose to get them out of the ice, but he, and everyone he was close to there, would remember how undignified and painful it was. he can convince everyone who wasn't there that they were heroic and persevered off of honor and bravery---and doing even this much would require separating himself from everyone who Was on the expedition, because their undeniable and unforgettable suffering would be proof against the validity of his story---and to some extent he can convince Himself, but that all depends on the sensationalization; the dinners and dances and drama. it all depends on the story. and there's only so many times you can tell a story. there's only so many people that will listen. once it's been exhausted to every possible outlet---every newspaper has written about it, every family friend has heard about it---and the years pass, and the sensation dies, what's left? nothing. nothing but the suffocating reality of what you endured and the devastating lonliness you created to put off having to accept it. you are left with a deeply broken man who has completely isolated himself trying to ignore how broken he is. delicious