#iberiandoctor

From the oppressive confines of an escape pod jettisoned out the hull of the SR1, he’d watched the final explosion through a tiny window at the back, barely large enough to showcase both his home and its destruction within the reinforced rim lining the edge. The sight had been tainted by flickering thrusters, light indicating their trajectory away from immediate danger, into a greater unknown, a chance at survival. It was a chance not granted to the form blasted away from the ship, escape pod abandoning it for another direction, fire illuminating the speck’s dance into the expanse beyond. 

He watched it kick, struggle, spin farther and farther away until the ship’s oxygen had burned off, and the vacuum was dark once again. Dark, but for those flickering thrusters. Dark, where the glow of the emergency lights could not traverse. 

Kaidan watched Shepard float into the void. 

Watched his world go dark. 

 ~~

 Just outside the courtyard housing defense tower controls, he’d hesitated behind the corner of the prefab, limbs still fighting off the last remnants of a foreign stasis while heart and mind fought one another over every possible outcome waiting around that corner. The last time he’d turned to look at Shepard, helmet on and walking headlong to his death, there’d existed an entirely different kind of dread. That the man he loved wouldn’t come back. That they’d be separated by the distance between escape pods on landing... if they landed. That the thing just beginning to blossom between them would wilt with the flame around them. The dread of loss. 

He never expected the dread of reunion. The dread of seeing the man he still loved, despite years of begging his adoration to fade, come back to life. The dread of lacking physical distance once more, arms wrapping tight around the other despite the vast distance still between them. The dread of realizing there was no hope for the wilted mess of what once was, too charred by loyalties lost and alliances betrayed. 

Kaidan watched the hurt on Shepard’s face leave his field of view. 

Watched the distance come into the foreground as he walked away. 

 ~~

 As the heat from a flaming skycar set a warm glow on his back, he’d aimed down sight for the section of soft armor between shoulder and chest that he knew the ablative couldn’t quite cover. Vulnerable, painful, disarming, but far from lethal. The exact spot he guessed Shepard was targeting with those familiar blue eyes, something wavering behind them before dropping the gun, the stance, and his guard. Kaidan aimed for flesh, knowing he’d pierce it if necessary, but his aim waivered, grasping onto the hope that this time when he turned his back, made his choice, there would be something behind him to turn back to. 

He’d aimed down-sight at Udina, unsurprised when the desperate attempt at regaining control of the situation ended with a bullet in the Councilor's chest. One shot, the gravity of the moment weighing down on them all, the gun once again pointing in a safe direction. Kaidan turned back to Shepard, gaze aimed at the man who fate insisted find him over and over again, finding relief behind blue where apprehension had slipped away, and drowning in his solace. 

Kaidan watched a glimmer of hope emerge. 

Watched as something wilted drank up the moment, relief in being tended once more. 

 ~~

 He’d felt the soft scrape of a gauntlet caress his wounded cheek, softer than he’d ever imagined the material capable of. Eye to eye he witnessed them tainted with the pain of realization. Reverent, accepting, whispering their silent goodbye in time with lips declaring what hearts had long been screaming. Kaidan had stood in the solid grasp of a friend as the ghost of his lover’s hand still tingled on his skin. 

He’d felt that friend tugging him away, slowly, gently, as if knowing just how fragile he felt in that moment - body broken, spirit broken, heartbroken - knowing that pulling too hard would mean pulling him apart. Shepard ran into the distance, over marred terrain and the scattered many who had fallen before them. Shepard ran towards the end, the unknown, straight at the enemy. 

Kaidan watched the door of the Normandy’s shuttle bay close to separate them. 

Watched the red beam of a Reaper light the sky and rip the ground, heading straight for his love.

 ~~

 Time has its own means of clouding memory, fraying the fringe until those threads tangle with ones not their own. Some moments remain unaffected, unworn, sharp and strong with clean-cut edges immune to the tattering time tries to inflict. Time does not abide by the wishes of a memory’s owner, muddying and warping as it pleases, what it pleases, when it pleases. 

Plead as Kaidan may, time has thus far ignored his desire to soften some of these worst moments. He wonders now, his grip loose on a battered hand and thumb tracing the name displayed on a wristband, how time will affect this sight, these last few months, this uncertainty and hope and crushing worry that has encompassed his every waking moment. How will he remember this hospital room in a year? In five? In ten? Will the void in his chest have largely filled itself, or will sharp-edged moments float through it, cutting from the inside out on remembrance? 

Will the wounds he traces with his eyes, but dare not touch, down Shepard’s arms, face, every last damn square inch of his body, heal as he hopes? Will he bear witness to a familiar gaze tracing his features, cognizant and hopeful once more? Could he someday return the favor of fingers combed through hair in a moment of comfort and adoration, finally grown out from the strict buzz he’d come to adore?

There had been a twitch of the hand two days ago when Kaidan took it in his for the first time, tears leaving damp little constellations on the sheet next to bandages. He didn’t let the tears hit Shepard, ever mindful of the warnings to not get his hopes up, to maintain reasonable expectations until they knew he would survive. 

But Kaidan knew, somehow, that he would. 

And he knows now, the hand twitching in his own once again, that he’ll remember this moment as clearly as the rest. He’ll remember the cough of a dry throat, the blinking of sensitive eyes so unaccustomed to light as they struggle to open. He’ll remember the recognition in them as he leans over Shepard, sobbing his name until the doctors rush in for a status, allowing him just a moment before he’s pulled away, obscured from view, replaced with white coats and omnitools eager to check vitals, to confirm life. 

He’ll remember the moment he’d watched Shepard finally wake after surviving the impossible. 

Survived and came back to him. 

Between the gentle caresses and slow stretches, Caleb leans back in for more kisses. Lips, shoulders, chest, and lower; wherever he can reach. The lightest of touches, gentle nips, any way and every way he can think to show him.

At one point, a groan cracks awkwardly past Kaidan’s lips and Caleb hesitates. Reaching for one of Kaidan’s hands, he threads their fingers together, squeezing just enough to get his husband’s attention, waiting for him to respond. It takes a moment, but when Kaidan glances at him, Caleb brushes some of Kaidan’s hair back from his face. “Everything good?”

A stuttered huff slips past Kaidan’s lips, a sound of disbelief mixed with bemusement. “Yes,” he rasps. “You… you’re getting awfully good at that! Mmmm… too good!”

A pleased grin spreads across Caleb’s face in in response to the praise. “And here I thought you liked it when I was patient.”

“Oh, I do,” Kaidan assures him as he slides his free hand to Caleb’s shoulder, tugging him close for another kiss. “I most certainly do!” A soft gasp slips past his lips as Caleb’s fingers continue. “How… how the hell did you get so good at that?”

Sighing, Shepard opened his eyes as the elevator chimed, the doors opening to a bustling foyer. Doctors, nurses, and visitors hurried past, the crowd so thick that it almost seemed impossible to traverse even without a cane.

Of course , he thought as he took a small step forward, putting his free hand out to keep the elevator doors from shutting him back inside. No one was there to help him .

Shepard didn’t know what he’d expected, but it certainly wasn’t this. Of course, he didn’t want a big show, especially after everything he’d been through the last few years. But he missed Kaidan desperately. He missed Kaidan’s gentle hands, the warmth of his skin pressed against his, the easy conversation, the way Kaidan’s eyes turned soft the moment he glanced in Shepard’s direction.

He stepped out of the elevator, keeping watch on the surrounding people, half hoping to see a familiar face. He comes up empty and instead, continues the long and arduous trek to the exit. Each step feels like he’s walking in quicksand, his feet heavy and his pace slow. People move out of his way as he approaches them and he’s not sure if it’s because of his obvious injuries or if they’ve recognized him. He didn’t really care either way, but his name and face were probably quite well known by now.

Stepping outside was something he hadn’t realized that he craved. The chilly London air was warning that winter was well on its way, but Shepard enjoyed the briskness of it. He took a deep breath for what seemed like the first time in a very long time. His exhale came out in tiny puffs of white, the clouds disappearing almost as quickly as they had appeared.

That’s when Shepard saw him.

He was standing not far from the street, his hands in the pockets of his jeans, a leather jacket tossed neatly over a plain navy blue shirt. His black curls were starting to gray at the ends, but it didn’t age him. To Shepard, it made him more attractive, if such a thing were possible.

The loneliness he’d been feeling for weeks now reared its ugly head as he stared in Kaidan’s direction. He wanted to close the distance between them, reach out and pull the Major into an embrace and never let him go again. But he didn’t know how Kaidan would react.

None of that seemed to matter, however, because Kaidan made the decision for him.

Without knowing how it happened, Shepard found himself in Kaidan’s arms, the Major’s face buried in the crook of his neck. Many emotions passed through him: shock, confusion, joy, but mostly he was worried the entire exchange was going to be nothing but a fanciful dream. That he was going to wake up at any moment and Kaidan would disappear. The possibility was almost like a knife to his heart.

When nothing happened within a minute or two, he awkwardly lifted his arms to embrace Kaidan, his body screaming in pain at the sudden shift in weight. He tried to keep from making a noise at the discomfort, he didn’t want to ruin the moment, but his body betrayed him and he let out the tiniest of groans. Kaidan pulled away quickly, red coloring his cheeks and down to his chest.

“Shepard, I’m sorry. I forgot myself. Your injuries…” He was embarrassed, but also concerned.

Shepard rubbed the back of his neck. He was prepared to go back to his military assigned apartment and to see if any of his squad wanted to visit. But to have Kaidan here… as if everything was alright between them when he’d been so distant. He wasn’t sure what to think.

“I’m alright, Kaidan. I was wondering if you were okay?” A cold wind blew and he shivered, remembering briefly that they were in public. He cleared his throat. The things that they needed to say shouldn’t be said with an audience. “Maybe we should go somewhere else to talk.”

Kaidan glanced at the people walking past them before nodding. One skycar later and they were standing in Shepard’s new apartment. It was bare except for a bed, a table with two chairs, and a small sofa. They each sat on opposite ends of the sofa, facing each other and close enough to touch. Shepard’s fingers twitched at the impulse to hold Kaidan’s hand so he placed his hands in his lap, trying as best as he could to quell the urge.

A few moments of tense silence passed between them before Kaidan sighed, his brow knit in concentration. “I guess I have a lot to answer for.”

Shepard frowned. “I’m not trying to pressure you, Kaidan.”

“I know, and you never would. But that’s not why you’re hesitant, Shepard. That’s my fault.” Kaidan rubbed his forehead, as if a migraine was forming. “I gave you reason to doubt me. That was never my intention.”

“You don’t have to explain-”

Kaidan glanced up suddenly. “But I do. Otherwise neither of us will get past this.” He ran a hand through his dark curls, messing them up and only making him look younger, much like the time they’d been on the SR-1 under Captain Anderson. It pulled at Shepard’s heart to remember how simpler those times seemed now.

After taking a deep breath, Kaidan began to speak. “I know I’ve been distant lately. It’s just… we’ve been through so much together, Shepard. I lost you once before and it nearly destroyed me. Those two years while I was deployed and you were dead… I realized how much I gave up. How much I could’ve had if only I’d understood my feelings then. But then you were alive on Horizon.”

“We’ve been over this, Kaidan.”

He nodded, a thoughtful look on his face. “I know. It’s still hard to believe how stupid I’ve been about everything, but I couldn’t help it. I love you so damned much. After you went through the beam to the Citadel, I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.”

Shepard didn’t have the heart to tell him that he didn’t expect to survive either.

“After the relays were destroyed, the Normandy was lost for months. It took forever to get everything back online even with the help of Tali and the other engineers. All that time, I thought you were dead. Each day that passed got harder to bear and I hadn’t even planned on coming back to Earth. I figured there was nothing left for me here.”

Shepard knew how awful it felt to be away from Kaidan all of those months, not knowing if he was alive, if he would even be able to reunite with him again.

“James convinced me to come back. When I arrived, Hackett said that you’d survived, but were in bad shape. But I didn’t realize how bad. Then I saw you lying in that hospital bed, hooked up to all of those machines, unable to breathe on your own… I thought I was going to lose you for a third time.”

There it was. The truth at the heart of their problems. Kaidan hadn’t distanced himself because he didn’t care. It was because he cared too much.

Shepard didn’t wait for him to continue with the speech. He shifted closer to place a hand on the back of Kaidan’s neck. The touch was intimate, tender, and his fingers brushed the skin there gently. Kaidan shivered in response, his eyelids dipping slightly.

“I’m here, Kaidan. I’m never going to leave you again.”

It’s the one thing that Shepard can promise him. He’s done with the Alliance, done with the Council. The Reapers are defeated. He’s ready to live for himself.

To live for Kaidan.

They reached for each other at the same time. Kaidan’s hands gently brushed Shepard’s chest, fingers playing with the buttons of his shirt. Shepard’s own fingers are in Kaidan’s curls, pulling him as close as possible. Their lips met passionately, tongues tangling as they lost themselves in each other. For Shepard, Kaidan was a comfort in the war-torn universe, someone that he could count on during the worst of times and to love him during the best.

They broke apart momentarily, each short of breath from the kiss. Kaidan reached up and gripped Shepard’s chin softly between his fingers. Then he ran a single fingertip up his jaw, investigating each scar and imperfection. It was intimate the way Kaidan touched him, more so than anything sexual had ever been. A shiver shook Shepard and he couldn’t stop a smile from curling his lips.

Kaidan’s responding smile was enough to make him lightheaded. “What?”

He loved this man so much that just being in his presence was enough to get his blood pumping. Taking Kaidan’s hand in his, Shepard pressed a soft kiss along the knuckles, lingering briefly before speaking. “You make me feel like the luckiest guy in the galaxy.”

Kaidan chuckled, pressing his forehead against his. He’s not hiding behind his nerves anymore. Love emanates from him. “You’re the second luckiest.”

Shepard raised an eyebrow, but he couldn’t stop smiling. “That so?”

“You chose me, Shepard. You love me. I’d say that makes me the luckiest.”