#hypnogogic

Image of a heartbeat I saw in between dreams.

IA220

"a sense of yearning for a future that we all knew would never come to pass"

"Jakk....stella has instructed me to write this as one long text to you. it's an important story. number one i can't remember if i told you or not about how i did the math about the numbers for my father and the timing of it all, and me being 46, him marrying claire at 46...46, equals the magician in tarot so this is my magician year. this is when i step in to it. i read all this text about the magician aloud this am because that card came up for you again and it was so powerful. dude seriously, you have got to fucking read it if you haven't already. you also got a card about writing. moving on.

as i've said, as i've even posted on instagram on jan 21 2015 i played heroes 180 times smoking pot, writing the play, crying about my father and how he lied to me, realizing how i sort of became him. i knew then i had to call the play heroes. i started to work with it.

my relationship with you started to change. i started to push you to face things. we had our first real fight on the phone weeks later. little did i know it was days before you were throwing a surprise party for blond, and there i was asking you to let us look at what we had and figure out if we were still in love. it would be the hardest conversation we would ever have until june.

i saw you one time on the street after that.

i was preparing to break the cycle on new years eve, looking in one of my boxes for a piece of paper, when i came across the man ray postcard. it was a picture i first found when i was 19, and i remember how struck i was. that was the same year a french girl kissed me for the first time at a french party. people tore her away from me but it felt so meant, you know? they tore her off me as if she was completely out of her mind, as if she ought to be locked up, jakk , and within moments she was thrown out of the party. i remember being so torn apart at that. i felt some resonance with her, even though i was so young, even though a girl had never kissed me.

so when i saw the picture of nusch eluard and sonia mosse by man ray, i stopped. that for me was what i wanted. that was what i believed was possible in a union between women.

i bought that postcard, or card, i believe 7 times. i gave it to different women i loved over the years. i hung it on my wall. in that time i lived in france for two whole years and visited three other times, ate up as much french culture as i could, attempted to be a lesbian and failed miserably. no one would have me. i was completely obsessed with the film henry and june. when night falls in another really good one.

so in case this isn't totally obvious by now, stella and i had an insane connection. you know alot from what i've been saying that she's been communicating with me in a massive way and that she's been with me nonstop.

so i pulled that postcard out of the box and my whole body kind of shot up with sparks. and so i went over to this picture of her that i talk to, the magician one, and i said, stella does this picture mean something to you? and she starts giving me a yes. and i'm trying to figure it out. what does she mean. like what does it mean to you? it's familiar? yeah it's familiar. it's us, she puts in my mind. it's us i say, and i start to cry, hard because that's fucked up. and she's like, yeah, it's us. and i keep repeating her. trying to get it.

so then i get spun and try to digest it for a minute, and wonder what i should do, and i say were we sisters and she says yes, ( but later come to realize she meant we were sisters in a different lifetime) but i'm like so that's why we were so close, we were sisters, okay. huh. we go do new years eve. i talk to her about my idea about the play i need to write for her. i get mad that you don't show up.

but then the next day stella puts the idea in my head to look up the women on wikipedia.

she's smart, this kid.

they're not sisters at all.

number one, sonia doesn't even have a wikipedia presence.

nusch on the other hand was a surrealist muse basically. she's the one on the left. she was an actress, but mostly known for being a muse to manray and pablo picasso, and she became the wife of paul eluard, she was also a travelling acrobat they say.

sonia was a painter and an actress. she was a close friend of antonin artaud's.

so they were artists, i think to myself.

those girls are lovers, misha said. those girls are definitely lovers.

yesterday morning stella and i go for a walk to run errands. i'm still trying to piece together the affair of sonia and nusch.

meanwhile a few days before the tarot reader had told me that yes david bowie is one of my guides (told you) and that he is saying that i am to listen to the lyrics of heroes specifically. i'm to do a few things but that's one of them. so stella and i are doing errands andi'm putting on music for her and she says put heroes on repeat, so i do, and she tells me to go walk down thi sstreet that we never walk down. and all of a sudden between the lyrics of the song, and the wikipedia , and what i know about paris at that time, and what stella is putting in my mind, i am seeing the love story of what happened between nusch and sonia, and i realize that david bowie did indeed know the story of these women when he wrote it the more it plays with tears streaming down my face, with the pendulum spinning wildly to make certain points here and there of what she wants me to get, and i am finally fucking getting that thet reason that heroes has been shoved in my face for the last year is because i am sonia and stella is nusch, and that we had one of those loves that you find once in a lifetime, and man ray took a picture of us and it's immortalized, and stella has been telling me all the details, and your part in it is that you were her husband, the famous poet paul eluard. we tried to have a threesome. you and i didn't mesh. you sent nusch away to your friends in velazey because i was such competition and you knew i was going to steal nusch away from you. to know more about your life, go read your wikipedia. you were very successful with the resistance. love really wasn't your forte. meanwhile sonia and Nusch were writing letters back and forth, sonia out of her fucking mind and nusch being like there's light at the end of the tunnel, don't worry i'll be back in paris before you know it, forgetting that sonia was a fucking scorpio, not taking her threats of suicide completely to heart, thinking the letters would get her through.

but the letters weren't enough.

how did i do it? i asked Stella.

suffocation she said. plastic bag.