I have been with my boyfreind four five years, and I love him deeply. Our relationship is amazing and he treats me perfectly well. The issue that I keep on having is that because he is a man, he isn't aware of how he is percived and it drives me insane.
All women have been hyper-aware of how they are perceived since the dawn of time, and this has never been by choice. When it comes to straight men, however, they literally do not have to deal with this in the slightest, and I'm constantly noticing these differences when I watch my boyfriend. For example, I've always been hyperaware of what my body looks like, from the acne on my face down to the fat on my stomach. This has resulted in extensive skincare routines and always working out and or sucking in to appear "skinnier". With my boyfreind however, this is not the case. he doesn't care enough about these things to ever do something about it, and I'm ashamed to say that it fills me with immense jealousy and anger. When we first started dating, he never took care of his hair just because he simply didn't want to, and if I were to ever do such a thing as a woman, I would get humiliated and shamed by every person in my life.
And what I am craving is to be completely understood, and this is what is holding me back in our relationship. This then bleeds into my lack of trust in him because of the simple fact that he will never understand my experiences as a woman and a black woman at that. Despite how much I talk about it, it seems to just fly over his head and be met with "yea that sucks..." It is simply ignorance, but with no real harm beyond my connection with him. This also ties into the "women mature faster than men" concept because no, we do not, we just simply are forced to get our shit together because society does not tolerate otherwise.
overall its driving me crazy, and I'm wondering if this means that I need to explore relationships with women because I know that with them I will be completely understood, and within that I will have.
can somone please give me advice?
A relationship is not going to fix you or your relationship with navigating the world in a way that makes you the happiest and safest. I highly encourage you to find a therapist (yeah, a black woman preferably) to unlearn this toxic messaging you've taken in. As a queer person who's been a woman, honestly, I think this has become a psychological cycle for you because there is a lot you can do to approach how much you police yourself for others and let go of this constant stream of criticism in your head holding you back. I'm not gonna say it's ever going to be 100% gone. You still have to navigate situations where you could genuinely be in danger over some of this stuff, but as someone who has navigated the world as a trans person - there legitimately is so much of this you can let go if you can overcome the fear and shame of it.