Help My Relationship

My wife bought a brand new SUV a few months ago. Nice vehicle, expensive, all the bells and whistles. It was her first ever new vehicle. Then out of nowhere she starts calling it “Chuck.” At first I thought it was random. Nope. Chuck is apparently the name of her ex boyfriend from college. She says the car “has Chuck energy” because it’s dependable and “protective.” I told her that’s weird and disrespectful. She laughed it off and kept doing it. Well, she went out of town for a week to visit her sister, and every day she kept texting me stuff like “Make sure Chuck gets premium gas” and “Don’t leave Chuck in the sun.” Folks, I snapped. I sold the car to CarMax while she was gone. Legally it was in both our names, and yes, she signed some paperwork months ago that made it possible. I figured if she missed Chuck so much, maybe she should go reconnect with the real one instead of emotionally bonding with a Bronco. Now she’s staying at her mother’s house and her entire family is calling me insane. My brother in law says I “declared war on a fictional person.” My wife keeps crying and saying I violated her trust. I personally think naming your new car after an ex boyfriend is psychotic behavior. I’m not sure ?

I (30 F) am a single mother to a 4 y/o daughter (let's call her Daisy), I also have ADHD and BPD. My daughter is the product of an unconsensual relationship with my then partner (50 M), who decided that he didn't want to be a part of our daughter's life after 2 years of a somewhat amicable coparenting relationship. My pregnancy was hard, and it left me with deeper mental health issues and seizures, which is why I live with my parents full-time. Daisy is fully aware of who her father is and remembers him perfectly despite his not being involved in her life anymore.

I have been with my now BF, let's call him Tim (34 M), for a little over a year. In this time, he has shown up for me like nobody else, helping me with my health and mental issues, going above and beyond to make me feel loved and secure, and has also provided my daughter (or so I thought) with unconditional love. A week and a half ago was my birthday meal with only my close family and him. Daisy jumped right out of her seat to go welcome and hug him, and he reciprocated. A little time after the meal was over, they were playing, and Daisy started calling Tim poop. I immediately scolded her, and her GP also shut down the behavior. After that, Tim was a little bit off but told me that he appreciated us standing up for him. On Wednesday of that same week, I had a migraine episode, and Time came by to visit. Daisy didn't let us be alone and tried really hard to get our attention, even sitting between us. Tim got a little bit upset but got up, said his goodbyes, and left not long after. Of course, I talked with Daisy and told her her behavior was inappropriate. Soon, I started noticing a shift in Tim's behavior towards me, like he was distancing himself from me, and when we finally saw each other this past Sunday, he seemed like he did not want to touch me and kiss me, so when I finally went back home, I thanked him for everything over text and he told me that we would talk things out this week.

Well, I'm an extremely anxious person, so I barely slept a wink, and on the next day, I made sure to be available for when he was ready to talk things out. He just told me that I wasn't the problem, but indeed, things were not good between us, which only made me more anxious. I wrote to him that it was only impacting my mental health and that I would appreciate it if he could at least tell me what it was all about. Still, he told me it shouldn't be discussed over text. Still, I thought I was going crazy from the anxiety, I couldn't focus at work, and messed things up, so against my better judgement I kept writing and trying to explain how I felt so he exploded over text, and told me that everything had to be like I want to and how I want to, that if I was so desperate to kwon the problem was Daisy's attitude. He told me she humiliated him on purpose in front of my family and that he was not going to put up with that level of disrespect and humiliation, and the more Daisy behaved like that, the more space he would put and want between them, that he wanted to take a step back from involving himself with her. I told him that I understood where he was coming from, but that Daisy is just a kid who is dealing with abandonment issues (goes to therapy), but that she loves him, and she was just trying to get his attention.

It ended in a bad fight, but I'm planning on talking with him today. But this situation just has me thinking (since we were planning on moving in together), "What happens if we have more kids and there is a problem? Will he leave for 1 or 2 weeks and then come back when he's calmer? Or it only applies to my daughter because she is not his?" "What role does he want to take in Daisy's life?" "Does he really love Daisy, or does he just tolerate her because he loves me?"

I have a female friend whom I’ve become extremely close to over the last year. She is the ex of my best friend from 5 years ago. I’ve always described her as more of a sister figure than a romantic interest, although I’m honestly not even sure anymore what exactly I feel. I love her deeply and she’s one of the most important people in my life. She’s an innocent person and has had a traumatic past, so I’ve felt protective of her.

I have genuinely felt that way, but I realized that over time we’ve started acting like a couple without labeling it that way. A lot of hugs, her asking me to kiss her forehead/cheek, lying down together, cuddling, gifts, her crying to me when in need, saying “I love you” to each other. I have felt protective of her but over time I’ve realized this may not be healthy.

You might wonder what my best friend thinks of all this. He says he’d be fine with it if we dated, cause in all honesty he doesn’t care nor never cared about her at all (he even cheated on her when they were together). However I’m not sure of what I feel.

She has a very different communication style from mine. She often takes days to respond, disappears for stretches of time, and I’ve repeatedly felt neglected, confused, or emotionally unimportant. Over time I realized I had become emotionally attached to the friendship in a way that wasn’t healthy for me. I’ve even told her in the past that I felt I needed distance because I was becoming dependent on the connection - I’ve been really hurt in the past and I feel a toxic need to be emotionally validated and feel needed. I realize I might be projecting a savior fantasy on her even to some degree.

A few weeks ago she removed me from her Instagram Close Friends list and ignored some affectionate texts I sent her. Maybe because I told her I want sure I’d be able to make it to her birthday party. I started distancing myself.

Then her birthday party came around and my best friend was extremely insistent on going even though I didn’t want to.

Earlier that day I went on a date with another girl. I decided to go. So later that night I brought that girl with me to the party.

When we arrived, her expression immediately changed when she saw us. According to my best friend, she immediately asked whether the girl was my girlfriend. Throughout the night she apparently asked him multiple times whether she was my girlfriend. She also later asked me directly and confronted me angrily for bringing someone she didn’t know and other people. She also made a comment to my best friend along the lines of:

“Does (my name) like all his female friends or what?” According to him she said it annoyed, angry and walked away.

What stuck with me most was that while she was scolding me, I felt like there was genuine hurt underneath the anger. Her voice seemed to crack slightly at one point and I thought I saw tears or moisture in her eyes. In a brief pause she quickly hugged me afterward when the situation de-escalated, perhaps further showing the contradiction in her feelings.

After the party she ignored my texts for four days. But did reply normally in our group chat.

When she finally replied, she apologized for taking so long and said that she wasn’t jealous at all. She said she was simply upset because we brought people she didn’t know. She also thanked me for telling her how important she is to me and said she feels similarly.

The thing that confuses me is that earlier that same night she was completely fine with us bringing another friend who she barely knows and has even said before she doesn’t particularly like. That’s one reason why I struggle to believe the entire issue was just about the guests.

At this point I’m less concerned about whether she secretly likes me and more concerned about the fact that the friendship itself feels emotionally unhealthy.

I care about her deeply and don’t want to hurt her. But I also feel exhausted. Every time I try to distance myself, something happens and I get pulled back in. I’ve realized that I’ve become attached in ways that aren’t healthy for me and that the friendship has repeatedly caused me pain. Been thinking of having a conversation with her. What would you do in my situation?

We’ve been together two years and have an 8 month old son. We’ve recently been having problems with being romantic and affection. He loves physical touch and has expressed that it upsets him that I almost never initiate things.

I have never been a touchy feely girl, no matter how much I like someone. The only time my brain will let me is when I’m inebriated. Again, it does NOT matter how much I like them in general/sober.

I think, my theory anyway, is it stems from some unfortunate incidents in my childhood with a teacher. I had a music teacher who openly sexualized me in front of my peers once I started puberty. He moved my seat to front and center in front of him. He’d ask me to lean over to flip the pages while he played on the piano or whatever the hell we were doing that day. Told me my shirt looked too tight and uncomfortable and I shouldn’t button it all the way (catholic school polos, they had three buttons on the top). He’d ask me to bend over and get something he dropped. He would get boners during class, they were so visible that all of my classmates could see and would later talk to me about it. We always had a break before music class. I started eating nacho cheese Doritos during the break and would leave a little dust on my fingers in hopes he’d stop asking me to lean over and flip the pages if I started getting them dirty. He didn’t. Anyways, this was when I was 13. I didn’t think it affected me that much until a few years ago

I had never really enjoyed sex, I could never finish from it. Until, one day I finally told someone about that teacher. And suddenly a few days later I could finish from sex and I’ve had almost 0 problems since. This is when I realized it might go much deeper than I realize, that it truly rewired my brain in ways I still do not understand.

The only reason I’m even able to make this post is because I’m faceless behind a keyboard. I do not talk about what happened to me, it’s like I physically can’t my brain and body will not let me. I was drunk when I did tell that one person, and I know I will have to be if I am going to tell my bf. Which brings me back to being inebriated and affectionate. If I’m drunk I’ll go wild, no hesitation. My brain just won’t let me be vulnerable like that when I’m sober.

I’m worried if I tell him then he’s not going to want to wait long enough for me to get better or that we won’t get married until I do. I know I probably need therapy, I’d like to think I can change my brain and not have it define me. But I don’t know how long that will take.

How do I even go about this? I’m on the verge of just telling him to bring a bottle of vodka home tonight and I’ll bare my soul. Please help

My friends are proposing a beach day and BBQ at their house this weekend. We're all thirty somethings with young kids (0-2 yo). My mother in law is visiting from a long way away for the next month and my wife is pushing to invite her to the gathering. No one else is inviting their parents and I expect everyone there to be 40 and under (likely a small group of 5 to 7 of us who've known each other for 5 years or so). My MIL's English is also not very strong so I doubt she'll be able to connect much with the group. I feel it would be awkward if she was there and my wife is asking me to put into words why I think it's inappropriate to ask to bring her. I feel it would be putting my friends in an awkward position where they might not want an outside person but would be polite and let her come. It's it normal to feel this is weird? What can I tell my wife to explain my hesitance?

You're being weird and prejudiced imo, actually. Y'all can't be polite to a friend's mother for some reason? You think you have nothing in common with a 65 year old and that she's going to dominate the atmosphere and demand y'all stop having fun? Like...??? What? You must lead a very sheltered, stunted life. I think this would be good for you to expand your horizons by 1 mm. Like, I've been going to events with friends' parent's since I was a teenager (not in a supervisory way, but in a 'they're a part of my life' way) and well into adulthood. It's not weird that they have a mom or that their moms' are a part of their life. That's actually quite normal.

I've (28M) just gone through quite a big break up with my fiancé (25F) a month ago today. We were together for 3 1/2 years and always got along perfectly until a few months ago. We have the same interests, goals in life, humour etc. We own a house together with her Mum, have adopted a dog and got engaged last year.

A couple months before we were ending things she was bringing up some valid concerns about me. She noticed I was starting to talk to her in a slightly rude tone fairly often and she was wanting me to cut back my use of weed a bit. She is perfectly fine with smoking and rarely smokes herself. I kept saying to her that I didnt know what she was wanting me to do or to change when it came to the weed issue and I was saying that I wasn't aware of what she was talking about regarding my tone of voice. I kept saying I wasn't understanding how she was explaining things. She would say things like "I think you should see someone about your smoking. I'm not saying you're addicted but I'm concerned it could get worse". My responses were always along the lines of "if I'm not addicted why would I need to see someone?", completely ignoring the fact that she's telling me I'm clearly making her uncomfortable. I kept saying I wasn't understanding what she was trying to say.

She breaks up with me saying we were having major communication issues and were incompatible. She said she was carrying all of the weight of trying to fix these issues and was the only one trying to fix things. She has said that in every other aspect of our relationship she was perfectly happy.

Fast forward a few days after the break up and we continue to talk about this issue a lot. I say some things along the lines of "your concerns were valid, sorry I just didn't feel like things were clear enough, I totally understand all of your concerns and wish I did at the time because I would have worked on this for us", and I genuinely meant it. We then spent the next couple weeks "seeing each other" and we were officially working on it and trying to see what would work. She starts taking some distance to protect herself in case it doesn't work out. After a couple weeks of this we have couples counseling, at one point I was explaining to the counselor how I was interpreting my partners communication and my partner took it as I still don't understand where I absolutely did.

I had a massive take away from this counseling session. I was neglectful and refused to acknowledge and prioritise the fact that my partner is hurting and was trying her best to share these concerns with me. I was only focusing on the actual topic of concern and that would have been an awful feeling for her to experience.

After the counseling she says we are done, she can't continue explaining all of this to me and that she just needed me to take accountability.

I have a personal counseling session tomorrow to discuss this, but a couple days after the couples counseling I noticed something. I remember not to long after this issue started I fell into a depression (which I had voiced to my partner), I was going through a real rough time with having major issues with two very close friends, a tough work environment and some big financial challenges. My partner was pointing out signs of depression to me such as I was eating and drinking poorly, was struggling to exercise, I was mostly keeping to myself at some, I wasn't seeing my friends and I was procrastinating and putting off doing my morning walks with my dog which I always loved to do. Then at one point I hit a wall and felt hopeless, numb and had no interest in doing anything at all, this lasted about 4 days. I had never experienced this before but I'd say I was well and truly depressed.

I'm willing to take complete accountability for everything. I think I put up my defenses and couldn't process anything she was trying to bring up of concern to me. Without realising it I think the depression was building up for some time, I will need to learn how to recognise and prevent this in the future. I have come to terms with the fact that every concern she brought up was valid and the way she was communicating to me was absolutely clear. I just wasn't in the head space to admit it.

How do I bring this up? I need her to know she's not a part of the problem, she's seeing a counsellor as well about all of this as she's convinced she needs to work on her communication too. I am hoping she doesn't see as as incompatible any more. After all we have never had these communication issues before this all happened.

She has also said she'd like a few weeks space before hearing anything about the break up as she's struggling. I want to respect this however I also feel like she may not feel that way if she were to know that I am planning on genuinely apologising and taking accountability.

My boyfriend and I were having sex when he suddenly stopped and asked, “Have you had sex with someone else?” I said no, obviously, and then he told me I “felt different,” basically insinuating that I’m not as tight as I used to be. After that he started interrogating me and now I feel really insecure and embarrassed For context, we were both virgins when we met and I already feel insecure because I get very wet during sex, and he’s mentioned before that sometimes he can’t feel anything because of it. He also struggles to finish from penetration and usually can only finish with his hands, so lately I’ve been wondering if there’s something wrong with me physically or if we just have compatibility/communication issues in bed. I feel embarrassed even typing this, but I’m looking for advice from people who may have experienced something similar. Can being very wet actually change sensation that much? And how do I feel better for him? because I’m genuinely over here wondering if I should stop drinking so much water or something.

R U N

There is no magical dick out there that can actually fucking alter your vagina. People who say this shit are nothing but mean, hateful, misogynsitic bastards. And you should never do yourself the disservice of tolerating a mean, hateful, misogynistic bastard, much less date one.

For context we’ve been together for 6 years. The first 3-4 years he has paid for all our trips & meals we had together. I have offered here and there at first but he never really took it unless it was his birthday or Christmas gift because hes felt he should pay. Now I think it’s grown resentment. We’ve recently had heated discussions where he’s not working as much so his money is spreading thin and he feels I have not offered enough to help him but at some point I didn’t even realize he was in that situation until he told me. So we agreed I can pay for things that are added luxury to our lives like going out to eat, movies, etc.. he has more bills since he’s just purchased a motorcycle and is paying it off. I bought my car cash it’s kinda funky but works and I don’t have any bills as I still live with my parents and they want to support me. He lives with his but they charge for rent. So I get it and I offered to pay for food and trips. Recently I feel like he’s throwing all this back in my face all the time. Basically he’s mentioned in these conversations where we agree I can pay for these things, he’ll say something along the lines of “I paid for everything of our lives for 3-5 years, I think you should start paying now at least while I’m not working so much.” (But in more words and very often.) It makes me feel like had I known he would do that I wouldn’t have taken him up on these offers to eat out and go on trips. He currently works a labor job that pays the same hourly wage but less hours than my job does because I recently got a raise that matches his but I work in accounting so I understand my job is easier. He just constantly reminds me of it though. If my feet hurt from walking, he says “yeah just think that’s me everyday at work when your home in the ac”, or when it’s hot “this is me working hard in this type of heat daily. “ It makes me feel bad, as if I’m indebted to him. Right now he only works about 15 hours a week but he’ll be asked to stay for more hours and he doesn’t want too so he skips them. And I feel all this together is just bothersome. I feel for him and I do want to make his life easier but because I love and appreciate him, not because I feel like I owe him. It scares me for our future because idk what it holds for us.

The next time he says something like that, I would stop, get really serious, and ask "when you say things like that, minimizing my feelings and experiences like only one of us is allowed to be upset or go through hard times, what are you hoping to achieve?" And don't let him dismiss it or not answer. "No, I mean it. You keep making comments like this, and I don't understand what it is you want from me. Please explain to me what you're trying to accomplish. I'm obviously not understanding, so help me understand."

But if you've tried talking about this and he just doesn't respect your feelings, you need to consider for yourself: how long are you willing to put up with a relationship with someone who doesn't care about your feelings or respect your experiences? Come up with a specific amount of time you're willing to give him the opportunity to grow up and treat you better, and then leave at that point when nothing has really changed.

Last night my bf 31M and I 31F had an argument and we weren’t speaking to each other but that doesn’t really have anything to do with what this is about. Once I got in bed and had fallen asleep, I was out pretty much cold until one of our cats knocked something over which I fixed in the moment. It didn’t take long to fall back asleep but the next thing I know I’m awake, eyes open and I hear my boyfriend in my ear, repeating “You’re crazy, you’re crazy” and pointing at me. He said it one more time before I said “I’m not crazy” and he laughed kinda maniacally as he said “I’m just messing around”. Now I don’t know what to think. Say, or do. I’m now just thinking of doing a sleep talk app. But he would find issue with this. How do I approach him with this? I don’t know if he himself was sleeping, but I froze after I said “I’m not.” I don’t know if he’d gaslight me about this and I can really tell if he’d would lie about it. Either being awake or even acknowledging it. I have felt SO INCREDIBLY uneasy about it all day. We have other issues going on so tension is high already.

HUGE red flag. This is the kind of insidious shit that happens in abuse that's so hard to describe to others and have them take seriously (which the abuser does on purpose so you can't reach out for help). Please, please, please call your local DV org and chat with them more about your relationship and how you feel in it. Part of their job is helping you to understand/determine if your relationship is abusive or not, so this is not a drain. It's literally their job. It's SO HARD to recognize abuse when you're the one in the middle of it. Please make sure to talk to someone and get some reality checks and outside opinions because what you're describing doesn't sound safe or respectful, much less happy or healthy.

I (23F) had two best friends (23F and 27M). About half a year ago they started dating.

The issue isn’t that they got together. I genuinely wanted to be happy for them. The problem is that for months before they started dating, I felt like my friendship with her was falling apart.

She stopped making time for me, stopped wanting to do things with me, and it felt like there was always a reason why she couldn’t hang out. At the same time, she was putting a lot of time and energy into him. I brought this up multiple times because I felt like I was being pushed out of her life before and after they had started dating. Every time I was told it was scheduling issues or some other explanation.

Eventually she told me she had a crush on him and that they were dating.

What hurt wasn’t the relationship itself. It was realizing there actually was a reason things had changed, and that I had spent months questioning my own instincts and wondering if I was imagining things.

Looking back, there were a lot of moments that hurt. There were hobbies, games, shows, and activities I repeatedly tried to do with her, but there was always a reason why it couldn’t happen. Then I’d watch her put effort into doing those same things with him. Individually those moments seem small, but over time they added up and made me feel unwanted.

The hardest part is that I tried talking about it while it was happening. I told her I felt like our friendship was changing and that I felt like I was grieving it on my own. Nothing seemed to change, so eventually I stopped trying.

After they started dating, I slowly distanced myself from both of them. At first I was really hurt. I cried a lot, struggled with my mental health, and felt like I had lost two people I loved at the same time. Over time, though, the hurt faded and was replaced by distance. I stopped feeling close to them.

Recently they’ve both reached out and said they miss me and are hurt I pulled away. They want to repair the friendship but they don’t understand why I pulled away in the first place. I explained why to both of them and my male friend still doesn’t understand and my female friend hasn’t replied yet.

Another problem is that I feel like I already spent months trying to save the friendship when I still cared enough to fight for it. Now that they’re making more of an effort, I feel detached. I don’t really feel angry anymore, but I also don’t feel much desire to go back to how things were.

Part of me wonders if I’m being unfair because they say they care and want me in their lives. Another part of me feels like I already did my grieving and moved on. I also am not sure I trust what they say? I don’t know I feel like that’s just my insecurities talking but I just feel like I’m going to be tricked again.

How do you know whether a friendship is worth rebuilding after trust has been damaged? Has anyone else experienced being asked to come back after they’ve already emotionally checked out?

My GF and i have been dating for like 2.5 years. It's gone well so far but something i noticed is this. My GF when she gets stressed, or feels im not doing what she wants will get very mad and upset sometimes even scream. I grew up in a loud family so screaming to me is not a big issue. At first i just let it slide but then it started becoming more frequent to where i felt i needed to address it, so whenever she'd get stressed and start yelling id go "you do not need to speak to me like that especially when ive done nothing wrong". Basically my GF takes the weight of her friends and family stress. She's the one that gets all the calls when things go wrong. is expected to be the group organize, etc. Some of her friends have been very unfair to her which i try to defend but she doesnt like it when her friends are upset so she gets annoyed when i call shit out. im not really a screamer unless i feel attacked or i feel like ive asked for respect a few times and am not really getting it. My GF does not like to be screamed at "it almost scares her". like one time i jokingly raised my voice and she asked me to never speak to her liek that as it scared her. So i try my best to not do it. But then if we have an argument she will say how she is allowed to scream because i can take it and she can scream with out it being a big deal where i can't do that. To which i call BS and say that it's not ok and unfair. Then i realized moments where she screamed at me and i screamed back, when she replayed the argument it was "OP just started screaming at me for no reason". One recent story was, i have an office room in our place. I let my GF do all the decorating in the house but told her id decorate my room to my likning. It was simple, nice , etc. Basically a simple guy room. Well she did not like it and told me she would decorate it, to which i said "i said no please respect htat". Then one day i got home and the whole room was decorated to her liking. I was kind of annoyed because i am someone that when i say no i want that to be respected. So i changed it back to my liking. When she saw that she got mad at me for 3 days. Said that i was being a baby, etc. I firmly told her why i did it and how it was very disrespectful that she didnt even respect my wishes and that was the true reason i did it. When she retells the story she says how i got mad and screamed at her for doing it when i didnt even raise my voice. I got firm and that's it. As a guy that worreis me becuase if the story is i scream, i feel like im being seen as a tyrant that screams at a "defenseless girl". what is best way to approach this?

Once you've communicated a couple of times about what you're not okay with and need changed, all you can do is decide how long you're willing to wait for change before it becomes a deal breaker and you have to walk away. What you're describing isn't a You Issue or a Relationship Issue. It's a Her Issue. It doesn't matter how many times or how you approach this. Nothing is going to change until she is willing and able to admit this is a problem, decides for herself that she wants to change this pattern, and then puts in the work to do so.

Tbh, I don't know what you see in her or how you've put up with this for so long. If she were like 20-24, sure. She's a young adult struggling to sort it out. But at 34? Doubtless this has ruined past relationships for her, and she's had plenty of time to recognize and determine this pattern and method of communication isn't healthy or happy. This shit just isn't cute.

I (53) recently purchased a second-hand sports car after selling a sizeable trading card collection. The collection is not something that interests my now adult kids and I wanted to get something that we can all have fun with and enjoy. Getting the car home is either car transport or a 3-day road trip and since the purpose of the car is to have adventures together, I suggested to my son (19) that we do it. Me driving and him co-pilot/navigator because he doesn’t have his license yet. I recently stopped taking him for driving lessons because he has been lying about smoking weed, and then getting behind the wheel the next day. So, as far as I know, he isn’t stoned but if he were tested he would be positive. That said, some drives he is good and others, more recent ones, we have had some pretty scary near misses. This has led to some arguments and revelations that he has been doing other substances “recreationally”, which he is adamant is infrequent and under control but I am not so sure, he lies a lot and even about things that don’t seem necessary. I can’t stand lies and it has become a real problem for me. The outcome has been him breaking down and admitting he is depressed and anxious, on top of already diagnosed ADHD. He has asked for help at the conclusion of these arguments and I have offered to arrange psychologist and doctors but once he cools down he just says he is fine and doesn’t take up the offer. I have organised appointments for him, he doesn’t go or goes once and then won’t reschedule and makes excuses. His current line is, “what do I need to do to get back behind the wheel? How many appointments? Etc.” He just isn’t getting that he is an adult now and responsible for his choices. I am the help and not a “Good-boy” sticker board that once he gets enough stickers he wins a prize. This has set up a very transactional dynamic that highlights to me he just isn’t getting it. He continues to smoke, practically daily as does his friend group. I have suggested numerous times he give up the weed, or at least cut back to a recreational level, maybe try once a week and then pulled back from there. This leads to more lies, followed by a mea culpa, an admission and then the cycle repeats. Back to the road trip, I have always felt the best conversations happen in the front seat of the car and many of the memories I have of my father are us driving. I wanted to “repair the bond” and I am excited about the car. When I suggested we drive the car home together, I had a romantic notion of us playing music, having laughs and making a memories – maybe I watch too many movies. He was ambivalent but agreed. Subsequent discussions indicate he isn’t that interested and my takeaway is that he sees this as a favour rather than an adventure, that’s ok, I can work with that, maybe once we get in the car he will come around. My best friend is going through a hard time, his mother has just been told she has terminal cancer and a year to live and if that isn’t enough, his job has made his position redundant due to budget cuts. He is a car guy and spending time together would be a great pick me up for him and fun! I think he would be a better choice for the trip but this is made from assumptions based on past experiences of how it will go with my son. They both have a need but one wants to do it and the other sees it as a transaction. Would I be the asshole if I tell my son that my friend, whose mother is dying of cancer, is going on the trip instead of him?

You've already invited your son, so yeah, it'd be pretty shitty to kick him off the trip because he's not reacting like you want him to. You should do something else with your friend. Maybe there's a car show you can go to together or just plan a trip to somewhere specific instead of taking him along on your errand. Or just talk to your son and see if he'd be okay with your buddy coming along, too?

Someone else in the comments suggested being honest with your son about what you're looking for (just connection), which I think was great advice, but in addition, I want to add to that: if your son isn't understanding that he's an adult who has to face his own consequences now, gently - maybe it's because you're not really treating him like an adult? Don't get me wrong: I 100% support refusing to engage with teaching your son to drive if he continually drives under the influence and since he's been displaying dangerous behavior behind the wheel. But maybe it would be good for both of you if you went more hands off here? Sometimes the best push you can give is walking away so the kid knows they can make their own decisions.

The transition from parent of a minor to parent of an adult is a hard one on both sides! Perhaps it would be better for your son and you if you let him know - 'hey, you drive too dangerously, I'm no longer interested in supporting you there. But you are an adult, so when you're ready to be a responsible driver, getting there is on your shoulders. It's up to you to research how adults get their license and to get yourself a licensed teacher.' It will require ambition and motivation and autonomy on his end to do that research, make the appointments, and keep the appointments - as well as look into getting his own car and insurance, since he shouldn't be welcome to your car if he's not going to drive responsibly. (I do find that folk can tend to take taking care of something more seriously when it's their money on the line.)

I'm also generally against charging your own children rent, but I think there are cases where it may be useful, particularly when the parents A) charge a rather minor amount for rent, and B) actually deposit that money as a bit of a nest egg to give back to their child when the child moves out. You don't talk about your son's motivations in the grand scheme, but if he's just kind of listlessly wandering and refusing to do anything to help himself, then instating a bit of rent to encourage him to take some control and get out and do something may be overall beneficial. Or let him know: hey, while you're living here, I'll cover therapy but if you're not going to therapy and taking it seriously, then you need to start supporting yourself, so starting [next month], you'll owe [$250 monthly in rent].

We had talked about the topic many times, we had gotten handsy and so on, but never actually did it. I was and am very flirty, I thought having our first time would calm us both down and would let out all the pent up tension we had. On god it didn't. I mean, he seems much more calm now, but I ain't. I feel things way too intensely, like I can't let go. I ask him to come over my place everyday, I text him all the time and get kind of sad when he doesn't answer quick. This is not an issue I've had in past relationships (if anything, it was the opposite, I used to be very detached and had problems expressing care). We see each other everyday, and I just can't seem to let go and I feel a bit of a weird stress when he isn't around. Which is odd cuz I'm usually the type of person who needs some time alone. I suppose it's the intimacy that lit this emotions up, but it feels really intense, like, uncontrollably intense. I worry a little bit about coming off as too much for him. I know he's clingy too but I feel like if I don't control myself, I'll come off as obsessed, controlling or selfish. I don't want him to believe that I only want to spend time alone to be intimate, I also want to cuddle, watch movies or cook together. But I always end up escalating things. I feel like he needs some time alone too and I'm trying to respect that, but I keep having this aching feeling of needing him. Is there anything I can do to calm myself or at least soothe these emotions? I really don't know what has gotten into me.

I really think a good grounding exercise would help here. You may also find it useful to start practicing some DBT, especially in the realm of specific emotional regulation skills.

Beyond that, when's the last time you hung out with your friends? Or took a solid chunk of time to just sit down and do any of your hobbies? Finding other things to do to occupy your time that you find enjoyable will be really helpful here.