Help My Relationship

My Dad passed away 2 weeks ago. It’s awful. He was 75, but it was unexpected. I am 42 and his only child. He has a wife (70) of 1 year.

After my dad passed away, his wife and I decided to cremate him. I asked the wife for a few days to pull myself together so we could figure everything out.

That didn’t happen. His wife planned everything with her sister without my input. Within two days after his death. The expenses include a 200 person chicken dinner for $4000 in the lobby of his church. I have issues with his church. They are homophobic and xenophobic and when my dad joined when I was 16, he told me I was going to hell.

His wife told me that this dinner is a repast and it is part of his tradition as a Protestant African American, nand that it would shame him not to have it. I was brought up by my mom, a recovering Irish catholic, and this whole thing seems personally too public and performative to me. I would have chosen to honor him differently.

The thing is, the wife is expecting that I pay for all of the expenses out of my dad’s savings account that he left to me as the beneficiary, including the 200 person chicken dinner (and decorations and new cutlery and musicians) We are in a state where that account is now legally considered mine and is not part of the estate. She is saying that he wanted his funeral expenses to be paid from this account. The expenses for the funeral total $12000. I was not consulted on anything.

I must admit, I’m feeling put off and bullied. I wish I was a part of the decision making and am insulted she moved forward with everything when she said she would wait a couple of days. Since she went ahead and made the decisions anyway, I have continually asked for a budget but one was not provided. Also, I want to honor my dad, but to me, it feels like his wife planned a spectacle. When I tried to speak to her about it, I was told I was disrespectful and her sister questioned how I was raised. The sister later apologized, but I’m still admittedly angry at both of them.

I told my dad’s wife that I would pay $6000 towards the funeral from the account that I was the beneficiary of. That includes everything but the chicken dinner and the cutlery and decorations. She is saying that my dad wanted the money to pay for everything including this dinner.

How would you handle this situation? I want to be respectful of my father and honoring his wishes- I can’t even tell if this is what he would want. A $4000 dinner for strangers seems like a waste of money to me that could go to so many better things.

I (27M) have been with my girlfriend (27F) for a while and I am realizing we have a deep disconnect in how we handle our relationship problems. My view is that when difficult issues arise, a couple needs to talk through the causes to actually fix them. Instead, we have a pattern where our serious issues are swept under the rug or pinned onto me. The exact same problems keep cycling back and resurfacing over and over again because they are being ignored rather than solved. The dynamic in our serious conversations is entirely one-sided. She is perfectly fine to dig into me, analyze my stress, and even keep a running tally of how many times a month I have an "issue" as proof that I need therapy. However, she does not enjoy talking about her own emotions. In her mind, she believes she knows herself pretty well and has it all "figured out," so if you ask her, she'll say she doesn't have any issues. Because she believes there is nothing wrong on her end, it is impossible to get through to her. Whenever a problem arises between us, it is always framed as my fault, meaning I am always the only one who has to work on myself and fix things. In a recent talk, she dropped a bomb about our relationship connection, only to completely shift gears 20 seconds later, acting entirely normal and cheerfully talking. When I try to bring the focus back to the serious issue she just raised, she gets upset that I'm bringing it up again. I respect my girlfriend and know she has faced plenty of hardship in life. But I'm realizing the connection problem isn't coming from me. How do you handle a relationship where your partner is completely comfortable dissecting you and blaming you for every issue, but refuses to face or discuss the complex issues on her end because she thinks she's perfect?

My boyfriend [27M] has had a rough go at life. His parents split, bad crowd in high school, drugs, parties, and a handful of toxic relationships. He’s had three serious ones (in his words) but was cheated on in two of them and the third was physically abusive. He’s had many more short lived relationships or ones that never left the talking stage but I digress.

Basically he’s had a rough go at life and admitted to me he had a fear of relationships and had stopped dating seriously for about five years, everything else being surface level till we met this last December.

We met through mutual friends and have been dating for about four months now and I think he’s a very sweet guy. He has a big heart and is really romantic in mind, and I could listen to him talk for hours about the things he likes or how we have deep discussions.

It has come up though that he has some deep rooted trust issues. He wanted my location when we started dating which I don’t mind sharing, he loves that im a home body and my friends are entirely online (excluding my family which im close to) he’s asked me to cover up when I go out, and he doesn’t like me hanging out with people of the opposite sex

This has caused some problems as my best friends are a couple, so one guy one girl, and they have been my best friends since I was 21 and are in the same career as me! My job is also as an entertainer online so a big part of my work is networking by just being funny in a public setting.

My boyfriend has shared he has a big problem with it and he gets jealous of anyone having access to me, guy or otherwise. But he also acknowledges it’s unfair and he said he supports me and is proud of me and wants me to do well. He also says he trusts me and knows I love him, and doesn’t worry about me cheating.

However, he hasn’t let go and makes passive aggressive comments anytime I have a hangout planned with friends. He’ll make mean jokes, ignore me the day of, and make plans after with his friends intentionally and be jealous till the feeling passes and we go back to normal (usually I cry)

Another thing, he hangs out with his friends just about every night except on the rare occasion he decides to spend it with me. He also has an instagram with many people he was friends with and has met since high school, some of those being girls. He also has a girl best friend, who lives a few states away that calls him every other month to catch up. I’m completely okay with all of these things! However im not really feeling that respect back.

He has a tendency to be hot and cold- and I suspect he may have a form of bipolar disorder based on his family history and his actions. But I really have to express how much I adore him. When things are good they’re REALLY really good. He has these off days that really make him feel like a distant version of himself and it makes me sad to see, and when these controlling tendencies snap up I sort of rush to soothe him and prove he has nothing to worry about- but will it ever be easier for him?

Has anyone here gone from being controlling to feeling more secure? Is there anything I could do to make it healthier for the both of us?

For context, my partner and I have been together (off an on) for about six years. We live about 90 mins apart and my mom is visiting me right now (she also loved my cat and still coming to terms with my sexuality) so it's not realistic for my girlfriend to just stay with me all week (if she even would). I want to be fair and not make this a "my SO is terrible" post. She called me after my cat died. She apologized for not realizing how serious things were when he first went to the emergency vet. She came to see me and my mom the next day. She stayed up talking with me that first night bc I couldn't sleep. After I told her I needed more support, she really has been trying. But this experience has made me question our relationship. When I first took my cat to the emergency vet, she didn't really ask what happened, what the vet said, or how I was doing. She thinks I coddled him too much, so she didn't really take it seriously. She checked in briefly, went to pickleball for hours, texted that she hoped he was ok and went to bed around 11. I actually had to tell her "please ask me what's going on". We've always been pretty independent (not living together the past couple years) and have never had to navigate a crisis like this together. I've never really needed or asked for this kind of support from her before too, so I understand she's learning to show up for me. But I thought I'd feel like part of a team right now and that my pain would at least make her slow down for me, but it seems like she just keeps going. For example, the day after my cat died she didn't check in on me all day. She said she knew she was coming over and that we'd catch up then. But that was like my worst day and I wish she had checked in before our scheduled time or whatever. Then she invited me to Knotts with her family to cheer me up. When I said I didn't want to go bc I was grieving, she invited a friend instead. Then I told her I really needed 1:1 time on Friday, tomorrow. That same friend had already planned to come over to help prep for her July4 party (too happy for me so not doing that either). She asked if she shouldn't invite the friend, and I said yes please bc I honestly wanted that time together. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but I wanted her to already know that. The next day, during our call she said she'd been invited to play pickleball friday morning before we hung out and wanted to go. None of these things are "bad". She isn't cancelling on me or choosing pickleball over me. She's still spending tomorrow with me. I think what's bothering me is that every space in her schedule seems to naturally get filled with something. Pickleball, mahjong, parties etc. She's always been like this I know, and I guess it wasn't a problem because she's just crazy extroverted and social like that.. but in this moment, I guess I expected something different. If the situation were reversed, my instinct would be completely different. I drove to her house in the middle of the day to caulk her bedroom because she was afraid of ants and couldn't sleep. I know I show up differently. If my partner had lost someone she'd loved for 12 years (or more), I would slow down for awhile with her. I'd make space without being asked to. I don't know if I'm expecting so much right now because I'm grieving or if this is revealing a real incompatibility. I keep wondering is this just who she is (and I don't want to drag down her social life + mood with me) or is this something people actually learn to show up for each other over time. But yeah, I'm grieving my cat and this relationship in a way too. If you were/are in relationship during a major loss, how did you partner show up for you? If they didn't show up how you wanted, did it get better? How would you approach this if you were me?

Accepting that this is who she is doesn't mean you have to settle for being unhappy and feeling unsupported in relationship because "that's just how she reacts". Stress and grief show you a lot about a person's true character. Stop worrying so much about being fair to her and instead ask yourself: "is this what I want in a partner?" You're allowed to want something she isn't willing or able to give. It just means this isn't the relationship.

In fact, for a couple of months, I was presenting myself as a female. And it all was because of a silly little joke by one of my online friends about "You sell the girl act so well dude!" And someone had the bright idea of somehow using that to trick other lonely men into interacting. And I was like sure, why not, it would be fun! What I never realised was this exact event led to awakening that suppressed feelings of being a girl inside me. My Gender Dysphoria kicked in, making me reject the male me after a couple of days of pretending to be a girl. I was revelling in the attention, the sympathy, the praise, everything that I was getting while I was posing as a woman. In a way, I was being satisfied a lot. It made me feel things i didn't before. It made me feel validated about myself, of everything. It made me feel more better than how I felt being a man. It truly felt intoxicating. I loved being a girl. And that act went from just being only for a week long time basically over 4 months now. And unfortunately, I met him when I was still pretending to be a girl.

I'm not gonna lie. I did not read your 6500 word life story. I skimmed through a bunch of unnecessary, unrelevant excuses and bullshit and hit this.

My best friend Mike dated a woman for 7 years. Let's call her Kay. During that relationship, he had a female best friend Jill. Kay always believed there were feelings between them, but Mike denied it. He would also come to work miserable, always, and always upset about his relationship. He confided separately in Jill and I about his relationship, and we both advised him to break up, though Jill was pushier about it. During this time we needed to hire a new employee, and Mike suggested Jill, as she had a lot of experience in the field. I agreed to give her a shot, with the understanding that their relationship remain professional. They both agreed. Eventually Kay and Mike broke up, and he started dating Jill shortly after. Within a month or 2 of dating Jill, things went south. Jill went from the fun "best friend" to a complete negative nancy, always complaining and upset/mad about everything and anything. Mike quickly realized the awesome "best friend type friendship" he had was gone and now he was more miserable than ever. Mike secretly sent his ex Kay, flowers, apologized, and continued talking to her behind Jills back. He told me all of this while drunk and I got very angry at him for 2 timing them and also dragging this dynamic into our workplace. I told him he needs to break up with Jill, and if he wants to get back together with Kay, he needs to tell her everything. He eventually broke up with Jill, and got back together with Kay almost immediately. He did NOT, tell either woman, anything. Kay, has no idea that he EVER dated his best friend Jill, the woman she absolutely hated, and Jill has NO idea that he has been in any contact with Kay at ALL, since he broke up with her over a year ago (in her mind). He just celebrated his day "8 year anniversary" with Kay, despite dating and sleeping with Jill in between for over 5 months. Now here's an even bigger issue. Jill, Mike, and I, all work together. EVERYONE at work has caught onto this dynamic, and it's affecting the workplace. Jill never stopped being bossy, negative, and getting upset about everything. Jill is always upset at Mike over something, and tries to hide it. They also have long private conversations during shifts, he always walks her out to her car where they will hug and cuddle on her car, they go out for food together after work and he pays for her, Jill will rub his back and hold his arm, and she is very possessive of him. He is always comforting her "moodiness" and his work ethic has become terrible. Jill is always distracting Mike at work, either in a good mood or bad mood, and he never sets any boundaries. Jill will STILL even come see Mike at work when she's not working, to spend time with him. ALL DAY. It makes everyone uncomfortable, especially because his girlfriend has no idea any of this is happening, but we all know the truth about the entire dynamic. As their boss, this has become a workplace issue. Staff constantly notice the behaviour, ask questions, and feel uncomfortable. Multiple employees have confronted him and told him he needs to tell the truth and set boundaries, but he refuses. Morale is being affected because everyone feels like they're expected to keep a secret and watch inappropriate workplace dynamics play out, while also not knowing where to stand because no one wants to get involved in personal matters, yet it doesn't feel like this is just "personal" anymore. From a workplace perspective, what would you do? / From a bestfriend perspective.. I just don't know.

Imo, you've been remiss as both a friend and a boss. As a friend, I'd be telling this pathetic jackass loser that I was disappointed in the lack of moral character he has continuously shown and stopped hanging out with him. Who would want to be friends with a jerk like this? He's not only ruining his own life, but literally everyone else around him as well.

I think it was also a bad call to consider hiring Jill at all. There was clearly drama there, and there was just no way that was ever going to work. It really doesn't sound like you've been proactive about managing the workplace either. At this point, due to your personal involvement in the situation, I think you need to loop in HR and legal and get their advice. At this point, HR might want to present a series of trainings to your entire team to avoid such a fuck up in the future.

Imo, Jill has created a toxic work environment from day 1. I have no idea what the quality of her work is, but sounds like she's slacking off during work hours and pressuring others do to the same when she doesn't even work there (any why hasn't she been kicked out when she's not on???). That feels like at least three good reasons to fire her right there.

As for Mike, even if he's a repugnant human being, he appears to have a good work history. It is probably most appropriate to put him on a performance improvement plan and see if he can prove that he can stop fucking shagging in the car like a teenager when he's supposed to be working and actually work during work hours instead of grab assing all the time.

But double check with your higher ups to make sure the company is covered and what the preferred set of actions is here. As well, maybe they'll realize you need more support and training and be proactive about setting that up. You are going to want to face this sooner rather than later because shit like this has a habit of blowing up pretty explosively, and you want to go to HR and your supervisor before things meltdown and become a crisis.

Also, depending on your place of work, if there's a uniform, if it's clear that he or Jill are employees there - upper management would probably be pissed to hear about their public facing behavior and how it could damage the company's reputation if people could potentially see employees slacking off in that manner during the workday. Whether fair or not, cuddling in your car parked on work property could 100% draw eyes. They're probably lucky nobody inclined to has complained to management for unprofessional behavior.

If work offers any sort of leadership or management classes: enroll. I get that it's not your job to babysit your employees emotionally, but holy shit. I hope there's a lot you've left out in correcting these two on their behavior because, yeah, that is 100% part of your job, as what they are doing is impacting everyone's work.

Im looking for advice on how to handle my next steps with my current partner. Let’s call her Riley for sake of story and myself Ken.

So Riley and I have been seeing each other for about half a year now. We have gotten pretty far in the relationship and I’ve met all her friends and family who all adore me and have told her that I’m the best guy she’s dated since as she put it she dated some men who are pretty…concerning to put it lightly.

While we were dating she was working on getting her masters degree and we would have nights where we would drink a bit with her friends. Though when it would wind down to just be me and her I noticed how different she would treat me, she’s not exactly an lovey dovey kind of partner that’s more my side of the relationship but she really had an anti-male stance when she drinks a lot and I end up in the cross fire of that, where she will insult me and try to know me down a peg or two. And in the morning will forget it all and I have to explain to her what happened. She apologized in the past every time and said that’s not how she really feels about me, and she’s just stressed from working on her degree. I let those events slide.

Let’s fast forward to recently where her and I went on vacation, we were having a good time and I left to go to the bathroom after her and I had been drinking enough and noticed I wasn’t exactly feeling well either. When I got back to our table she asked me “Do you have a weird shared custody with your pet dog and your ex?” I thought it was a weird question and asked her where it came from, I guess she was texting a friend of hers and when she said my name (which isn’t common and super unique) she asked her if I was this person. I told her “we’ve been dating for a while, you’ve asked me to get a dog for a long time, if I had one in a weird shared custody thing, you think I would have brought it up like ‘hey I have a dog with my ex wife still?’” She hit me back with the “well we don’t really know each other so it wouldn’t have come up.” I responded with “we do know each other for a bit here and it would have.” I will admit I was drinking too and I didn’t let it go, I asked her “why didn’t you use common sense to think about this and tell your friend no that’s not him, why did you feel the need to ask me.” And she told me I was being childish for not letting it go.

We left the bar and I told her “I think I need to go back to the hotel I am not feeling well.” Riley then got on my case and said that she needs cigarettes because she wants to smoke. And lead me on a wild goose chase for cigarettes until her phone died. At that point I took over and tried to get us at least on the way to the hotel and get us cigarettes on the way home, but she wasn’t a fan of me being close to her, she then would insult me, give me a hard time because I was still upset that she asked me the question she asked me earlier about the pet.

At one point I started tearing up because I wasn’t feeling well I was exhausted the heat when we were was getting to me and I felt like she was just being mean to me. The saw me crying and said “oh my god are you crying you’re such a pathetic child.” And started to walk faster away from me not knowing where we were going. Eventually she said “I want to be alone, let me go wherever I want to go.” I told Riley “no, your drunk, with a dead phone in the city, I’m not leaving you alone here, you don’t know how to get back to the hotel and I know your friends and your parents wouldn’t be happy with me if I left you alone.” She rolled her eyes at me and called me a loser.

When we finally got back to the hotel after getting some cigarettes which was around a 3 hour trek, I couldn’t sleep I felt abused by her belittled and she definitely made it known that she wasn’t a fan of me. She apologized before we got to the hotel but it still didn’t feel good. She passed out on the bed and I couldn’t sleep one because I felt ill and two because I didn’t like sleeping in the same bed with her after what happened.

Our flight was at 8 AM the next morning so we had to get up early, when we did I asked her if she remember last night and she said “yup all of it” and I asked her “including the parts where you were verbally and emotionally abusive to me?” And we talked it through Riley thought I was gonna break up with her and I told her why she feels the way to belittle me when she gets drunk. She responded “I don’t know why I’m so angry when I get drunk that’s not me! I’m not an angry person like that!” She afterwards told me she loved me which was something I told her about a month ago.

We flew back home, hung out at her place for a bit before I went home and I’m still sick from the trip, but we plan on talking some more about what happened that night. And I’m not sure what to do, I’ve been in abusive relationships in the past and they left their mark on me, part of me really does like it when Riley is sober and great and she’s just a good person all around, someone who cares about people and their needs, but when she gets drunk it’s men are the enemy! Part of me feels an ultimatum is needed, or that she needs to work with her therapist over this, and talk to them about how she gets, or maybe she just loved bomb me so I’d stick around, and I’m worried about what could come out of the relationship in the future. Or is this relationship a lost cause?

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years and in the last year our sex life has really dwindled down to once to maybe twice a month. Our lives are really busy and we work on opposite schedules and I get that stress can be a huge factor but he doesn't talk to me about anything even when I try to bring it up. Lately I feel like he's completely retreated and he's never been a touchy person, but I feel like now the touch isn't reciprocated as it used to be. I tried initiating sex the other night on the couch and he said it felt too planned and wasn't into it. I was totally understanding and I didn't push him further. But he had previously said that he likes having sex on the couch so I was just a bit confused if this may have just been an excuse. Is there anything I could say or do to help him out of this rut? I'm starting to get really sexually frustrated and touch deprived to the point that it makes me tear up when I think about the last time he even held my hand. A little background: I've just recently started to work out a lot more, per my physical therapist, to really help strengthen and prevent any injury. I also took it upon myself this year to start setting boundaries and focusing on myself. I am a really big people pleaser and I want to get out of that headspace and prepare for going back to school. Not sure if this is bruising his ego in any way cuz he's not like that but I'm not sure what else has changed.

My partner is diagnosed with ADHD and autism. When we first met, she was funny, open, motivated, and we connected deeply through conversation, humor, and emotional depth. That is still a big part of why I love her.

But from the beginning, there were also a lot of difficulties. She gets overwhelmed and overstimulated easily by noise, people, heat, cold, unexpected situations, emotional tension, and so on. Over time, I got better in knowing how to approach her, when to leave her alone, how to be quieter, less demanding, and less “too much.”

I have genuinely tried to understand her and adapt. I don’t blame her for being autistic or having ADHD. But lately, I feel like I’m becoming responsible for regulating too much of her emotional state.

When she is overwhelmed, I often feel like I must have done something wrong: I didn’t help or understand enough, didn’t talk enough, talked too much, used the wrong words, wasn’t open enough, wasn’t calm enough, or wasn’t supportive enough. She often says she wants more communication, more trust, more openness, and more understanding. But when I do try to talk, it quickly becomes too much, too unclear, too intense, or not what she needs. Then the conversation turns into a fight, or she withdraws.

At this point, I am confused very often and don´t know what she wants from me. I feel like everything has to be adjusted around her so she doesn’t get overwhelmed. But I also want to be allowed to talk like myself. I don’t want every sentence to be analyzed, compressed, softened, or translated.

I also have my own issues. I grew up feeling responsible for other people’s emotional states, and I spent most of my life trying to keep everyone okay. I don’t want to fall back into that role. I’m willing to support her, learn, adapt, and be patient, but I don’t want to become her emotional regulator.

The hardest part is that we often talk after fights and reach some kind of understanding and caring for each other, but not much changes. I feel like we have clarity without real change.

I keep wondering what our relationship actually is at this point. Sometimes, it feels more like a stressful shared apartment than a partnership. What I would miss is the cuddling, the conversations, the humor, the trust, and the feeling of being loved. But when I imagine living alone, it feels like freedom.

I know this is only my side and a glimpse of how I feel right now. It is not the whole relationship, and it is not something that can be generalized. There have always been exceptions where things worked well. Otherwise, we wouldn’t still be together. We also had much better times. But right now, I feel kind of lost.

Where does support in a neurodiverse relationship end and self-abandonment begin? Is this something that can realistically be worked on, or do you think I am trying to make something work that is slowly breaking me?

Please tell me honestly what you think, even if that means criticizing me. I’m open to any perspective.

So let me preface by saying, objectively I know that im not the prettiest I have hip dips and my skin breaks out from time to time so i KNOW im not the prettiest I just THINK(emphasis on the I) literally no one is like it just doesn’t exist, however i am very much my “type” i’d say The same can be said for my partner, i like his style and obviously the way he looks and his body and stuff so once we started talking he became the most handsome man in the world in my eyes. I recently asked him if he thought i was the “prettiest girl in the world” he said no. I asked if he finds girls prettier than me he said yes, but he isnt attracted to them and that I AM his type and he doesn’t go for only a pretty face, but personality and all of that instead. He said he isnt attracted to them he can just tell they’re attractive. This is an issue for me as I genuinely do think he’s the hottest guy on earth and this also isnt the first relationship this has come up For me all of my senses are dulled when it comes to good looking people, like their worst physical attributes become more promo and my partners best attributes become more pronounced I asked him if he thought that I thought other men looked better or more handsome and he said yea he does and that he just doesn’t care cause there will always be someone that looks better except for me this isnt true like at all i genuinely dont think anyone looks better, is there something wrong with me? am i delusional or broken or like a narcissist?

Not everything needs pathologized. You two have different worldviews. That's it. It's that simple. Everyone is fine. You just think and feel differently, which is perfectly normal and natural. There are billions of people in the world. There is no One True Human Experience or way to be human.

I, 18f have been with my bf 21m for 2.5 years now. our relationship started because I was friends with this girl who slept with my boyfriend at the time, so I ended the friendship and we left off on horrible terms. she went on to date this guy, let’s call him Z. she went on to cheat on Z, and he reached out to me solely because he knew I didn’t like her. (great start to a relationship, I know). our courting stage started off really well, I went into it thinking it would just be a fling, and my expectations were really low. but he really captivated me. our 4th date I knew I was in love with him. it took 2 months for Z to ask me to be his girlfriend and I happily accepted. a few months went by and he wouldn’t reveal anything personal about himself to me, even after me asking countless times. about 4 months into the relationship, I decided to end it since I didn’t see it going anywhere because he wouldn’t tell me anything about himself. he ended up taking me out on this amazing date a few weeks later and really opened up to me. from there we got back together, and we were really happy. 4 months after we got back together is when I started finding weird things on his phone, it started with me seeing him liking posts of Sabrina Carpenter in lingerie, and eventually progressed to me actively checking his phone, and always finding SOMETHING. a post that was saved, things he was liking. I made it very clear to him about my insecurities when it comes to lust, and how I had been cheated on in my past relationship, and how him looking at these things really upset me and made me feel inadequate. it would always be some excuse with him “I didn’t realize I liked it” “I don’t check my saved videos I don’t know what’s in there.” and then, it got worse. we have a few mutual friends, and when I had first started talking to Z, a friend had told me that he was really into one of his female friends a few years earlier, I knew that Z and this female friend were still in contact, so I asked him “did you ever have a thing for her?” he denied it, and when I told him that my sources said otherwise, he continued to deny ever liking her. now flash forward to when I’m checking his phone one day, I find not only his love confession to her from a few years prior, but 27 RECENTLY deleted text messages between the 2 of them. I ask him what the deleted messages were, and he *conveniently* can’t remember. I will admit, I had a fit and made him message her telling her what he had lied to me about, and block her.

things were good for a while after that, things had gotten really serious between us, conversation of a life together and even discussing the possibility of me moving in with him. for awhile we were briefly engaged. I really thought that once we were engaged he would step up his game a little bit. I started to notice that conversations about the next steps in our relationship was only discussed when I brought it up.

we started relationship therapy (his idea), and the entire time it felt like the therapist and Z were pinning me to be this evil bitch who has all these trust issues, when really I don’t have trust issues, he had given me said reasons to not trust him. one relationship therapy session, he essentially told me that he “can’t have emotional conversations with me because he’s not allowed to be friends with his female friend anymore” I calmly stood up, picked up my bag, and left. we’ve been on a break ever since. this was about 2 months ago. since then we’ve still continued seeing each other, and he has told me many times that he’s “working on himself” and “trying to be a better man for me” and that he “loves me and I’m the only woman for him” yada yada.

throughout this break, he gave me back panties that weren’t mine, claiming they were his moms that she must have accidentally not grabbed out of the dryer, all the sudden he’s turned into this “rave guy” who’s going out and getting trashed and going to giant raves every weekend (this mf gets overstimulated in a WALMART mind you). he’s becoming “friends” with all these women suddenly?? and I discovered he had a secret instagram account where he goes by a fake name, 90% of the followers and following are goth baddies, and his reposts are INSANE. all this weird gay shit? like reposts about being into femboys and stuff? he has an excuse for EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. do I believe him, not really. I messaged one of the girls from his instagram to ask about him, and she was very nice to me in the dms, but then went on to post some shit on her story targeted at me (never met her before btw), so it’s clear her intentions are not pure.

yesterday, we were supposed to be going to see a movie, Z picked me up, and for SOME REASON this thought in my head popped up “he has condoms in his car” it took me approximately 5 seconds to find said condoms, (we haven’t used condoms in 2 years) he’s claiming that someone was handing them out for free so “of course” he was going to take them. I told him to give me his phone, I’m going through his messages and find a text to one of his coworkers saying that he can’t come in on an off day because he’s in “*insert city* with my hg” he obviously has an excuse for it saying that he just wanted this coworker to leave him alone and it was “the first thing he could think of”. I try to go to instagram, he deleted it, I go to redownload it so I can see what he’s doing on this secret account, he starts FLIPPING OUT. but apparently because he’s asking new goth baddie female friend for “advice about me” and that she was “saying mean things that I didn’t want to see” okay….. I love this man, I really do, and I just want him to be the sweet boy that he once was but he’s constantly feeding me these excuses and empty promises.

so my question to you guys is; can people really just be this dumb?? is it humanly possible for someone to really have excuses for all this bs?? if this is what he’s doing while claiming he’s working on himself is the relationship even salvageable? being the bird I am, I really don’t want to break up, I just want him to be better. is it even feasible? I know how all this looks written down on paper, I know 99% of yall are going to tell me I should just call a spade a spade and leave, but I’m wondering if any of y’all have been in a similar situation and have found a way to make it work? thank you for your time