Help My Relationship

For context we’ve been together for 6 years. The first 3-4 years he has paid for all our trips & meals we had together. I have offered here and there at first but he never really took it unless it was his birthday or Christmas gift because hes felt he should pay. Now I think it’s grown resentment. We’ve recently had heated discussions where he’s not working as much so his money is spreading thin and he feels I have not offered enough to help him but at some point I didn’t even realize he was in that situation until he told me. So we agreed I can pay for things that are added luxury to our lives like going out to eat, movies, etc.. he has more bills since he’s just purchased a motorcycle and is paying it off. I bought my car cash it’s kinda funky but works and I don’t have any bills as I still live with my parents and they want to support me. He lives with his but they charge for rent. So I get it and I offered to pay for food and trips. Recently I feel like he’s throwing all this back in my face all the time. Basically he’s mentioned in these conversations where we agree I can pay for these things, he’ll say something along the lines of “I paid for everything of our lives for 3-5 years, I think you should start paying now at least while I’m not working so much.” (But in more words and very often.) It makes me feel like had I known he would do that I wouldn’t have taken him up on these offers to eat out and go on trips. He currently works a labor job that pays the same hourly wage but less hours than my job does because I recently got a raise that matches his but I work in accounting so I understand my job is easier. He just constantly reminds me of it though. If my feet hurt from walking, he says “yeah just think that’s me everyday at work when your home in the ac”, or when it’s hot “this is me working hard in this type of heat daily. “ It makes me feel bad, as if I’m indebted to him. Right now he only works about 15 hours a week but he’ll be asked to stay for more hours and he doesn’t want too so he skips them. And I feel all this together is just bothersome. I feel for him and I do want to make his life easier but because I love and appreciate him, not because I feel like I owe him. It scares me for our future because idk what it holds for us.

The next time he says something like that, I would stop, get really serious, and ask "when you say things like that, minimizing my feelings and experiences like only one of us is allowed to be upset or go through hard times, what are you hoping to achieve?" And don't let him dismiss it or not answer. "No, I mean it. You keep making comments like this, and I don't understand what it is you want from me. Please explain to me what you're trying to accomplish. I'm obviously not understanding, so help me understand."

But if you've tried talking about this and he just doesn't respect your feelings, you need to consider for yourself: how long are you willing to put up with a relationship with someone who doesn't care about your feelings or respect your experiences? Come up with a specific amount of time you're willing to give him the opportunity to grow up and treat you better, and then leave at that point when nothing has really changed.

Last night my bf 31M and I 31F had an argument and we weren’t speaking to each other but that doesn’t really have anything to do with what this is about. Once I got in bed and had fallen asleep, I was out pretty much cold until one of our cats knocked something over which I fixed in the moment. It didn’t take long to fall back asleep but the next thing I know I’m awake, eyes open and I hear my boyfriend in my ear, repeating “You’re crazy, you’re crazy” and pointing at me. He said it one more time before I said “I’m not crazy” and he laughed kinda maniacally as he said “I’m just messing around”. Now I don’t know what to think. Say, or do. I’m now just thinking of doing a sleep talk app. But he would find issue with this. How do I approach him with this? I don’t know if he himself was sleeping, but I froze after I said “I’m not.” I don’t know if he’d gaslight me about this and I can really tell if he’d would lie about it. Either being awake or even acknowledging it. I have felt SO INCREDIBLY uneasy about it all day. We have other issues going on so tension is high already.

HUGE red flag. This is the kind of insidious shit that happens in abuse that's so hard to describe to others and have them take seriously (which the abuser does on purpose so you can't reach out for help). Please, please, please call your local DV org and chat with them more about your relationship and how you feel in it. Part of their job is helping you to understand/determine if your relationship is abusive or not, so this is not a drain. It's literally their job. It's SO HARD to recognize abuse when you're the one in the middle of it. Please make sure to talk to someone and get some reality checks and outside opinions because what you're describing doesn't sound safe or respectful, much less happy or healthy.

I (23F) had two best friends (23F and 27M). About half a year ago they started dating.

The issue isn’t that they got together. I genuinely wanted to be happy for them. The problem is that for months before they started dating, I felt like my friendship with her was falling apart.

She stopped making time for me, stopped wanting to do things with me, and it felt like there was always a reason why she couldn’t hang out. At the same time, she was putting a lot of time and energy into him. I brought this up multiple times because I felt like I was being pushed out of her life before and after they had started dating. Every time I was told it was scheduling issues or some other explanation.

Eventually she told me she had a crush on him and that they were dating.

What hurt wasn’t the relationship itself. It was realizing there actually was a reason things had changed, and that I had spent months questioning my own instincts and wondering if I was imagining things.

Looking back, there were a lot of moments that hurt. There were hobbies, games, shows, and activities I repeatedly tried to do with her, but there was always a reason why it couldn’t happen. Then I’d watch her put effort into doing those same things with him. Individually those moments seem small, but over time they added up and made me feel unwanted.

The hardest part is that I tried talking about it while it was happening. I told her I felt like our friendship was changing and that I felt like I was grieving it on my own. Nothing seemed to change, so eventually I stopped trying.

After they started dating, I slowly distanced myself from both of them. At first I was really hurt. I cried a lot, struggled with my mental health, and felt like I had lost two people I loved at the same time. Over time, though, the hurt faded and was replaced by distance. I stopped feeling close to them.

Recently they’ve both reached out and said they miss me and are hurt I pulled away. They want to repair the friendship but they don’t understand why I pulled away in the first place. I explained why to both of them and my male friend still doesn’t understand and my female friend hasn’t replied yet.

Another problem is that I feel like I already spent months trying to save the friendship when I still cared enough to fight for it. Now that they’re making more of an effort, I feel detached. I don’t really feel angry anymore, but I also don’t feel much desire to go back to how things were.

Part of me wonders if I’m being unfair because they say they care and want me in their lives. Another part of me feels like I already did my grieving and moved on. I also am not sure I trust what they say? I don’t know I feel like that’s just my insecurities talking but I just feel like I’m going to be tricked again.

How do you know whether a friendship is worth rebuilding after trust has been damaged? Has anyone else experienced being asked to come back after they’ve already emotionally checked out?

My GF and i have been dating for like 2.5 years. It's gone well so far but something i noticed is this. My GF when she gets stressed, or feels im not doing what she wants will get very mad and upset sometimes even scream. I grew up in a loud family so screaming to me is not a big issue. At first i just let it slide but then it started becoming more frequent to where i felt i needed to address it, so whenever she'd get stressed and start yelling id go "you do not need to speak to me like that especially when ive done nothing wrong". Basically my GF takes the weight of her friends and family stress. She's the one that gets all the calls when things go wrong. is expected to be the group organize, etc. Some of her friends have been very unfair to her which i try to defend but she doesnt like it when her friends are upset so she gets annoyed when i call shit out. im not really a screamer unless i feel attacked or i feel like ive asked for respect a few times and am not really getting it. My GF does not like to be screamed at "it almost scares her". like one time i jokingly raised my voice and she asked me to never speak to her liek that as it scared her. So i try my best to not do it. But then if we have an argument she will say how she is allowed to scream because i can take it and she can scream with out it being a big deal where i can't do that. To which i call BS and say that it's not ok and unfair. Then i realized moments where she screamed at me and i screamed back, when she replayed the argument it was "OP just started screaming at me for no reason". One recent story was, i have an office room in our place. I let my GF do all the decorating in the house but told her id decorate my room to my likning. It was simple, nice , etc. Basically a simple guy room. Well she did not like it and told me she would decorate it, to which i said "i said no please respect htat". Then one day i got home and the whole room was decorated to her liking. I was kind of annoyed because i am someone that when i say no i want that to be respected. So i changed it back to my liking. When she saw that she got mad at me for 3 days. Said that i was being a baby, etc. I firmly told her why i did it and how it was very disrespectful that she didnt even respect my wishes and that was the true reason i did it. When she retells the story she says how i got mad and screamed at her for doing it when i didnt even raise my voice. I got firm and that's it. As a guy that worreis me becuase if the story is i scream, i feel like im being seen as a tyrant that screams at a "defenseless girl". what is best way to approach this?

Once you've communicated a couple of times about what you're not okay with and need changed, all you can do is decide how long you're willing to wait for change before it becomes a deal breaker and you have to walk away. What you're describing isn't a You Issue or a Relationship Issue. It's a Her Issue. It doesn't matter how many times or how you approach this. Nothing is going to change until she is willing and able to admit this is a problem, decides for herself that she wants to change this pattern, and then puts in the work to do so.

Tbh, I don't know what you see in her or how you've put up with this for so long. If she were like 20-24, sure. She's a young adult struggling to sort it out. But at 34? Doubtless this has ruined past relationships for her, and she's had plenty of time to recognize and determine this pattern and method of communication isn't healthy or happy. This shit just isn't cute.

I (53) recently purchased a second-hand sports car after selling a sizeable trading card collection. The collection is not something that interests my now adult kids and I wanted to get something that we can all have fun with and enjoy. Getting the car home is either car transport or a 3-day road trip and since the purpose of the car is to have adventures together, I suggested to my son (19) that we do it. Me driving and him co-pilot/navigator because he doesn’t have his license yet. I recently stopped taking him for driving lessons because he has been lying about smoking weed, and then getting behind the wheel the next day. So, as far as I know, he isn’t stoned but if he were tested he would be positive. That said, some drives he is good and others, more recent ones, we have had some pretty scary near misses. This has led to some arguments and revelations that he has been doing other substances “recreationally”, which he is adamant is infrequent and under control but I am not so sure, he lies a lot and even about things that don’t seem necessary. I can’t stand lies and it has become a real problem for me. The outcome has been him breaking down and admitting he is depressed and anxious, on top of already diagnosed ADHD. He has asked for help at the conclusion of these arguments and I have offered to arrange psychologist and doctors but once he cools down he just says he is fine and doesn’t take up the offer. I have organised appointments for him, he doesn’t go or goes once and then won’t reschedule and makes excuses. His current line is, “what do I need to do to get back behind the wheel? How many appointments? Etc.” He just isn’t getting that he is an adult now and responsible for his choices. I am the help and not a “Good-boy” sticker board that once he gets enough stickers he wins a prize. This has set up a very transactional dynamic that highlights to me he just isn’t getting it. He continues to smoke, practically daily as does his friend group. I have suggested numerous times he give up the weed, or at least cut back to a recreational level, maybe try once a week and then pulled back from there. This leads to more lies, followed by a mea culpa, an admission and then the cycle repeats. Back to the road trip, I have always felt the best conversations happen in the front seat of the car and many of the memories I have of my father are us driving. I wanted to “repair the bond” and I am excited about the car. When I suggested we drive the car home together, I had a romantic notion of us playing music, having laughs and making a memories – maybe I watch too many movies. He was ambivalent but agreed. Subsequent discussions indicate he isn’t that interested and my takeaway is that he sees this as a favour rather than an adventure, that’s ok, I can work with that, maybe once we get in the car he will come around. My best friend is going through a hard time, his mother has just been told she has terminal cancer and a year to live and if that isn’t enough, his job has made his position redundant due to budget cuts. He is a car guy and spending time together would be a great pick me up for him and fun! I think he would be a better choice for the trip but this is made from assumptions based on past experiences of how it will go with my son. They both have a need but one wants to do it and the other sees it as a transaction. Would I be the asshole if I tell my son that my friend, whose mother is dying of cancer, is going on the trip instead of him?

You've already invited your son, so yeah, it'd be pretty shitty to kick him off the trip because he's not reacting like you want him to. You should do something else with your friend. Maybe there's a car show you can go to together or just plan a trip to somewhere specific instead of taking him along on your errand. Or just talk to your son and see if he'd be okay with your buddy coming along, too?

Someone else in the comments suggested being honest with your son about what you're looking for (just connection), which I think was great advice, but in addition, I want to add to that: if your son isn't understanding that he's an adult who has to face his own consequences now, gently - maybe it's because you're not really treating him like an adult? Don't get me wrong: I 100% support refusing to engage with teaching your son to drive if he continually drives under the influence and since he's been displaying dangerous behavior behind the wheel. But maybe it would be good for both of you if you went more hands off here? Sometimes the best push you can give is walking away so the kid knows they can make their own decisions.

The transition from parent of a minor to parent of an adult is a hard one on both sides! Perhaps it would be better for your son and you if you let him know - 'hey, you drive too dangerously, I'm no longer interested in supporting you there. But you are an adult, so when you're ready to be a responsible driver, getting there is on your shoulders. It's up to you to research how adults get their license and to get yourself a licensed teacher.' It will require ambition and motivation and autonomy on his end to do that research, make the appointments, and keep the appointments - as well as look into getting his own car and insurance, since he shouldn't be welcome to your car if he's not going to drive responsibly. (I do find that folk can tend to take taking care of something more seriously when it's their money on the line.)

I'm also generally against charging your own children rent, but I think there are cases where it may be useful, particularly when the parents A) charge a rather minor amount for rent, and B) actually deposit that money as a bit of a nest egg to give back to their child when the child moves out. You don't talk about your son's motivations in the grand scheme, but if he's just kind of listlessly wandering and refusing to do anything to help himself, then instating a bit of rent to encourage him to take some control and get out and do something may be overall beneficial. Or let him know: hey, while you're living here, I'll cover therapy but if you're not going to therapy and taking it seriously, then you need to start supporting yourself, so starting [next month], you'll owe [$250 monthly in rent].

We had talked about the topic many times, we had gotten handsy and so on, but never actually did it. I was and am very flirty, I thought having our first time would calm us both down and would let out all the pent up tension we had. On god it didn't. I mean, he seems much more calm now, but I ain't. I feel things way too intensely, like I can't let go. I ask him to come over my place everyday, I text him all the time and get kind of sad when he doesn't answer quick. This is not an issue I've had in past relationships (if anything, it was the opposite, I used to be very detached and had problems expressing care). We see each other everyday, and I just can't seem to let go and I feel a bit of a weird stress when he isn't around. Which is odd cuz I'm usually the type of person who needs some time alone. I suppose it's the intimacy that lit this emotions up, but it feels really intense, like, uncontrollably intense. I worry a little bit about coming off as too much for him. I know he's clingy too but I feel like if I don't control myself, I'll come off as obsessed, controlling or selfish. I don't want him to believe that I only want to spend time alone to be intimate, I also want to cuddle, watch movies or cook together. But I always end up escalating things. I feel like he needs some time alone too and I'm trying to respect that, but I keep having this aching feeling of needing him. Is there anything I can do to calm myself or at least soothe these emotions? I really don't know what has gotten into me.

I really think a good grounding exercise would help here. You may also find it useful to start practicing some DBT, especially in the realm of specific emotional regulation skills.

Beyond that, when's the last time you hung out with your friends? Or took a solid chunk of time to just sit down and do any of your hobbies? Finding other things to do to occupy your time that you find enjoyable will be really helpful here.

I recently reconnected with my high school ex, Gina. We dated throughout high school, and we were a lot of each other's first (First serious relationship, kiss, sexual experience, etc). We were honestly very compatible, but after graduating, we went to different universities in different cities and just couldn't make the LDR work, and mutually agreed to end things. After graduating from uni, I returned to my hometown for work whilst she worked in another city.

Fast forward to the present, a few weeks ago, I noticed on social media that she started working in our hometown as well, with her office just a half-hour drive from my place. I texted her, and we agreed to meet up. We met at a cafe near her office and caught up on life updates. She was honestly just like how i remembered her, softspoken, funny, smart, interesting, and non-judgmental. It was honestly very nice since it has been a while since I was able to just let down my walls and be completely vulnerable and feel at peace. I was in a string of toxic/abusive relationships and was in a constant fight or flight mode, so talking to her felt really amazing.

We laughed and talked whilst reminiscing the "good old times". Turns out we both just ended a long-term relationship, with mine ending 3 months ago and hers 5 months ago. We eventually got to the topic of families and she asked how my family was doing because she knew how much of a family man i was and how close i am with my family. I'm the youngest of 4 siblings with all my siblings being married and already having kids. I have a total of 7 nephews and 2 nieces and I love each and every one of them so much. I told Gina this and said that I've loved kids ever since I held my first nephew in my arms, and ever since then, I wanted to have a big family. She went quiet and said "That's lovely, hopefully soon you can start your own family." and then i asked "What about you? planning on marrying soon or having a big family?" she softly said "I do want kids but idk if I'll ever get them". I was a bit confused by this so i asked what she meant and she replied with "owh you know its hard for even healthy people to have kids sometimes." I was still a bit confused, but at the time i felt like it was a sufficient answer. We talked a bit more and eventually went home.

We continued to talk over the following weeks and grew even closer. Yesterday we met up at my place and the mood was light as usual. We talked about relationships and then she said theres something she needed to say. She held my hands and put her other hand on my cheek, her hands were as soft as i remember them. She looked at me and said "You are my first love and ever since i've known you i've never stopped loving you. Whatever our situation may be i will always love you". We then kissed and it was amazing, ive never felt such at peace with someone. She then pulled away and said "But i think we need to stop seeing each other". I was obviously taken aback and asked her why and what she meant. She then explained, "I want nothing more than to be with you and start a family with you, but I can't give you what you've always dreamed of." I then asked her why, and she explained that she is unable to have children. She has a rare genetic disorder called MRKH that caused her uterus to not be fully developed therefore causing her to be fully sterile.

This information was honestly earth-shattering. I first thought that we could just adopt as i've always planned on adopting at least 2 kids myself anyway, but i also always wanted to have my own biological children. And surrogacy is not an option as it is against my personal religious beliefs and illegal in my country . I genuinely want to be with this woman and feel like she could be the love of my life but I also don't want to let go of my dream of having kids. I'm now so very torn and don't know what to do. I've asked my friends and family but they have no answer as well they all know how much i've dreamt about being a dad but they also all love Gina. I really need help

My boyfriend doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body. And honestly at this point it’s kind of zapping the romantic out of me too. It’s hard to keep up trying when nothing is hardly, if ever given in return. I am always the one who’s giving compliment, making decisions, giving gifts, remembering dates, telling him how much he means to me, checking in on him, etc. He doesn’t even remember my birthday unless I remind him. But he’s funny, and considerate with his friends, and will occasionally give me glimpses into him being sweet when I ask. Would it unkind of me to just stop putting in as much effort as I have been? I love him, I really don’t want to leave him. But I think I’m draining myself being the only one trying.

I (34F) have been with my boyfriend (33M) for five years. We have both made real improvements compared to earlier in the relationship, but I still feel like certain patterns between us remain. The main issue for me is that I struggle to feel emotionally relaxed in the relationship. When conflicts or concerns come up, conversations can sometimes become long and emotionally intense. I often end up in a role where I am explaining myself, clarifying things, or trying to de-escalate the situation. Over time this has become draining. And sometimes, things I say today can come up days och weeks from now in a ways I did not see coming. Because of this, I have also become more guarded emotionally. I don’t share my deeper thoughts and feelings in the same way anymore, because I worry about how they will be interpreted or that they will lead to longer discussions than I feel able to handle. At the same time, my partner notices when I withdraw or become tense and asks what is wrong. In those moments, there is not always anything specific happening in the present, but I can already feel myself anticipating conflict based on past experiences. When I try to explain this, it can sometimes be experienced as criticism, which makes it harder to talk about. This creates a cycle: I become tense internally, he senses a shift and asks about it, and the conversation can then escalate into the very thing I was already bracing for. Even in good moments, I often feel somewhat on alert, as if I am waiting for an emotional shift. When I try to explain my feelings, it sometimes gets interpreted as me attacking his character. I struggle with how to express myself without referring to specific past examples, because those are often what make him feel criticized. He has also said that he sometimes feels like he needs to be perfect in order to avoid me leaving, and I notice that this can make it harder for him to bring up things that are bothering him or making him feel hurt or unloved. At the same time, I also notice that I sometimes become frustrated or shut down when he does bring things up, because I already feel quite emotionally stretched from trying to manage these kinds of conversations. Even though I care about him and can see that there have been real improvements over time, I feel emotionally exhausted and stuck in a pattern where I’m both trying to regulate the emotional dynamic between us and protect myself from getting overwhelmed. I don’t know if this is something that can be improved through better communication and time, or if the dynamic between us has become something more deeply ingrained. Has anyone experienced something like this? I’ve tried ending the relationship several times before, but I’m wondering what kinds of changes in my own behavior would actually make a long-term difference.

Relationship has always been rather rocky and unstable

Not feeling safe in relationship

Always waiting for the other shoe to drop

Conflicts are long and explosive

You are never listened to in conflicts and de-escalation is somehow always your responsibility even though you're unlikely to be the one escalating things

Problems you bring up are always made out to be an attack or otherwise invalid

Problems he brings up are always your fault

You aren't even allowed to have feelings without it being interpreted as an attack on him

It's never your turn to be comforted

Describing the mood of the environment as a cycle

Not allowed to end the relationship

How positive are you that you are not in an abusive relationship? Because it sounds like you're in an abusive relationship.

My bf and I have been together for 4 years and living together for 2 years. I have graduated with my degree and have been looking dor a job. Several months ago i brought up moving cities to find more work in my field and be closer to my family. He was all for it as he hasnt started a career and has worked part time for the last 3 years at a place he doesn't love. I offered to cover costs the first couple months until he can find a job in the new city as I have been working and saving the last 3 years for this exact reason.

Last week, I was offered a year contract in a town nearby my home city that is a great pay with benefits and pension. Good enough pay that I can cover the costs of moving and float us for a couple months until he finds a job.

Tuesday, he told me he wasn't sure about moving. When I asked why he said he didn't know. I said I would give him some time to think about it, talk to friends and come back with concerns so we can work through it and figure out the situation. At no point did he say he wanted to break up, or offer an idea of what would happen if he didn't move.

Its sunday now. He said he still doesn't know. He has been off for several of those days where him and his friend played video games all day and never talked about the potential move.

I have tried to bring it up a couple times this week and he said he can't open up to me. Apparently, he has only ever opened up to 5 people and none are me. I asked if he thinks he could ever open up to me or if there is something I could do to help or if there is something I did to make him not trust me. Nope, nothing.

What am I suppose to do here? Is it worth it to try couples councilling? I dont know how else to get him to trust me. When he first moved in he was off for 6 months due to surgery and I supported us so I dont know why he would not trust me. I asked him to sleep at his friend's tonight because I have been sleeping on the couch the last 2 days and I need a goodnight sleep without him (a) waking me up to have sex or (b) sucking up to me with nice words without addressing the issue. Thank you for any advice.