#hyperawareness

What if Addison was just a high-functioning autistic person who's hyper-aware of the fact that she's different? What if she learned to mask so well that she doesn't even know she's neurodivergent?

I'm saying this as a neurodivergent person who was bullied in middle school because I was hyperaware of being different. I was accused of being an attention seeker because I was 'dramatic' and 'self-centered'.

I relate to Addison so painfully much that it hurts, and I relate to even some parts of my family thinking I'm 'weird' or that I don't belong. I relate to trying to find somewhere I feel like I belong in, trying to find a category that somehow fits me.

Hyperawareness, in psychological terms, refers to an acute sensitivity to external stimuli and the constant monitoring of one’s environment, particularly how one is perceived by others. Schizoid individuals, who prefer solitude and emotional detachment, paradoxically exhibit pronounced hyperawareness of their social surroundings. This heightened awareness, which often results in significant mental and emotional exertion, serves as part of their defense mechanism to avoid unwanted interactions and maintain control rather than forming meaningful relationships. Despite this, schizoids can develop self-insight through conscious exploration, though it varies by their development stage. This article explores the reasons behind this paradox and its psychological implications.

1. Early Childhood Experiences and Psychological Makeup:

Schizoid individuals' hyperawareness is deeply rooted in their early childhood experiences. During infancy, they often face trauma or neglect, leading to the formation of complex defense mechanisms. These defenses help them cope with the lack of emotional attunement from primary caregivers, such as neglect, inconsistency, and emotional coldness. This early environment sets the stage for their heightened awareness of their social surroundings.

2. Objectification of Self

Without nurturing emotional bonds, schizoid individuals often perceive themselves as objects rather than people. This self-objectification increases their concern about how others view them. They see themselves as entities to be observed, leading to a heightened awareness of their actions and presence in social settings.

3. Defense Mechanisms and Emotional Detachment:

To protect themselves from further emotional harm, schizoids develop defense mechanisms like intellectualization and emotional detachment. While they become hyper-aware of their external environment, especially how others perceive them, they remain emotionally detached. This detachment allows them to navigate social situations without becoming emotionally involved, using their hyperawareness as a tool for self-protection.

4. Social Surveillance

Schizoid individuals engage in constant social surveillance to avoid unwanted attention and conflicts. This behavior, rooted in early defensive strategies, helps them maintain control over their social environment. However, it also reinforces their detachment, as they are more focused on monitoring others than on understanding their internal emotional states.

5. Hyper-awareness and Social Perception:

Schizoid individuals' hyper-awareness is not about forming relationships but about avoiding unwanted interactions and conflicts. They engage in social surveillance to blend in and maintain control over their environment. This constant monitoring helps them understand and prepare for social interactions by knowing what is expected of them, even if they do not seek deep connections.

6. Fragmented Self and Lack of Self-insight:

Despite their hyper-awareness, schizoids often lack self-insight. The ability to perceive oneself from others' perspectives does not provide true feedback on one's deeper self. As a result, their true selves remain hidden, leading to emotionally detached and superficial interactions. This emotional detachment contributes to an underdeveloped self-concept and identity, making self-understanding challenging.

7. Cognitive and Emotional Split:

Schizoid individuals experience a divide between their cognitive and emotional selves due to the defensive mechanisms developed during childhood. They may objectify themselves, seeing themselves more as objects rather than people, which intensifies their concern about how they are viewed by others. This cognitive-emotional split means they often feel like they are performing a task rather than enjoying social interactions, leading to a preference for solitude and work environments where they can avoid the stress of constant social monitoring.

In Summary...

Schizoid individuals display a paradoxical behavior where they exhibit hyperawareness, an acute sensitivity to external stimuli and constant monitoring of their social environment, whilst sometimes lacking deep self-insight. This hyperawareness, rooted in early childhood experiences and defensive mechanisms, helps them avoid unwanted interactions and maintain control rather than developing meaningful relationships. Understanding this phenomenon can help schizoid individuals to connect with the deeper reasons behind their functioning and gain greater conscious awareness of the psychological dynamics that are influencing their personal journey.

For someone like myself in whom the ability to trust others is so cracked and broken that I am wretchedly timid and am forever trying to read the expression on people's faces.

Some sensory sensitivities are related to cleanliness, to the environment around you, which you can't always control and/or you end up making others feel like shit about because their house isn't sensory friendly to your specific needs. Asking people to clean their house for you to be able to come over feels fucking terrible, and trying to discreetly clean at someone's house so you don't have a meltdown makes others feel bad about themselves.

Having to refuse impromptu invitations to an event because you already went out that day just keeps you isolated. You can't always ask or expect everyone to always remember that your daily life experience is at a baseline, overwhelming. If I have to go out to an event in the evening, I have to spend most (if not all) of my day physically and mentally preparing for that. Having to take a nap is included in my preparations because I need to reset my brain from the sensory experiences I already had just getting ready.

And when the solutions offered are "avoid things that will cause you sensory overload", you find yourself at a loss for what you can safely do. You find yourself isolating and developing avoidant behaviors because you just cannot handle input. You sometimes find yourself leaning on alcohol or other substances to dial down the amount of sensory input you process. You find yourself needing to be chemically numbed to be able to enjoy spending time with others or doing anything because you just can't handle how much is going on that others don't even register is happening.

It's a scary, isolating, alienating and often confrontational experience to have to live this way. That no one else can see and no one can understand your individual experience, even others that have sensory sensitivities will have needs that differ or clash with yours, so you can't always accommodate different people with the same things.