Innerstar Actualization: Sera.Siren

It's been a wonderful day. Sleep didn't come easy last night but that didn't damper the morning. My son and I went shopping at a few places, one of which was an actual toy store. Although a lot of them were vintage, some were priced for collectors, and others I almost bought because I had them as a kid, we did find some scores for him. The game of Simon is a huge win for his cognitive development. We also stopped at the bookstore for myself because I wanted a couple things and of course left with more. I got a brain teaser puzzle (love those), a reference book of the world religions (perfect coffee table read for the home while I read other books), and a Rider-Waite tarot deck (I've read tarot on/off for thirteen years but have never owned one).

Maybe he was just flirting with me but the cashier at the bookstore said I looked like a goddess, that I was radiating light. The reason that compliment feels so nice is because in the Ram Dass book I'm reading, he describes being told he emanated light after meditations or while trying to explain (and failing) Brahman. Now I am in NO way saying these are the same because I am NOT anywhere on that level however it did provide my heart warmth that maybe I'm still spreading light on the level that I can. People in my life tell me this regularly but to hear it from a "stranger" hits differently.

To share: my work offers the benefit of a 3 month free trial for online diplomas through a specific education franchise. I am currently enrolled in the Tarot Reading Diploma program and hope to complete the Alternative Therapies (aromatherapy, reiki, reflexology) Diploma program as well before the trial is over. This is why I wanted the Rider-Waite deck. Although I'm familiar with tarot and actually stepped away from it because I felt my connection with my intuition was strong enough that I no longer wanted to use tools to hear it any louder, I never learned classically. What I mean by that is although I knew the meanings and could provide readings without much cross reference, I had relied more on the ability to have the cards memorized. The course I'm taking, even early on, helps pick apart the symbolism, elements, how they interact with each other and why things mean what they mean. The course is registering with a different part of my brain that I don't think was really activated in the previous years of doing it. But my interest is reignited and I'm looking forward to learning more and challenging myself. I would love to get to a spot where I am comfortable reading for clients.

Also to note I recognize I am holding less attachment to outcomes, whether it be how exactly our day goes, time constraints if they're not actually necessary, sadness and anger, even romantic pursuits. Although I do often cry, it is usually deep but fast and then the sadness in my heart is actually gone. I'm still happy in my relationship but it is not the forefront of my life nor my moods. My focus is simply on embracing life and enjoying the peace we have built.

And yes I know I'm sharing photos of myself and that may be vain. It's weird to explain but growing up I always thought about my future self and who I would be. Nowadays seeing myself in pictures or the mirror almost feels like deja vu. I daydreamed of being single in my thirties in a big city (2022 I was single in my own apartment at 31 in a different city in a different state). I would have flashes of being a single mom to one child but those thoughts never super stuck because I was scared of childbirth and didn't think I could do diapers (2026 I'm a single mother to my one and only child that I gave a natural, unmedicated birth to). I thought I would be pretty but I wasn't quite sure how because I felt so ugly growing up. I pictured myself happy, feeling confident and capable, but the details weren't super clear. And now here I am.

Currently reading Paths to God | Living The Bhagavad Gita by Ram Dass

I am only three chapters in but it is already an impactful read following the Gita itself. Oddly enough it seems to provide just what I need to hear when I need a shift in perspective. For example it is currently explaining Karma Yoga and how living ones dharma without attachment to results is key.

At work I am a machinist running a 5 axis mill. It's a machine I am new to with its own issues due to age, transport, and other variables. Long story short a mistake I made went on to scrap an entire job at least of parts. A dumb mistake. A really small but impactful mistake resulting in money, time, and effort lost. And I made it. I take a lot of pride in my work and people depend on me to get this right and I don't want to let them down.

So at lunch I packed my book open and started reading about karma yoga and what it is and what it means. As much as I apply, the things that I have learned into my personal life, those things have not fully translated into my professional life. Although I am a machinist and I need to make good parts, I have naturally become attached to the results of my work. Being a new machinist for this company specifically and the project that I'm working on is all about getting out the kinks which involves failures and mistakes. Although yes, I made the mistake. Ultimately the problem is in the process as I should not have been allowed to make a mistake. As odd and rare as a mistake that it is, it was one that also needed to be made so we can ensure that at camp happening again. My Dharma as a machinist with my engineers is to not only succeed but to fail as well because my failures ultimately help them do their job also.

I finished the Eknath Easwaran translation of The Bhagavad Gita today at lunch with this view 🙌🏻

I won't lie, I had a lot of questions at the end: did Arjuna continue the battle? Is that ultimately the choice Krishna was backing up? If so, is that because Arjuna technically is on the right side of things to be defending his rightful land/family against his uncle/cousins? If Krishna had been on the other side of the battle, how would his advice differ, if at all?

I did some more research on some online forums to get some answers.

Today was a good day. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of my partner. I'm thankful for the answers and solace that grows inside me as I continue reading The Bhagavad Gita. Introspection, metacognition, understanding, and accountability are very important things to me and those I wish to keep in my life.

Last week I finally put together a piece I've been meaning to for a while now, for Lord Krishna and Radha. I do not personally identify as a follower of any particular faith but I have a great interest in theology, the history of, it's role in society and humankind, etc.

Also brought home a Neon Pink Syngonium because she is beautiful 🩷

A day with healing. I had a few hours to myself today. There is a new B&N in my area so I stopped in. This magazine was a must buy for a couple of reasons: I've never seen a "spiritual" magazine and also because I wanted to read the article about the monks that walked for peace. I was also curious as to what would be in a magazine like this: advertisements and if so what kind, who are the authors and what are they sharing, etc.

The religion section, although large and well stocked, was a solid 90% Christian and Catholic. There were small sections on Judaism and Muslim faiths, and the smallest was Hinduism. There was an Atheist section at the end but that was it. Although there were countless bibles for kids, there was not a single religious text for kids of any other religion. I had been looking for a series covering the Hindu deities for children, as well as some ones introducing meditation, yoga and Indian stories. There were even comic books of the Bible? That just seemed weird in and of itself.

During our stay, a mother came with her daughter. She was on the phone discussing plans with someone. On this call, while she walked along a ladder structure her daughter played on, she said, "I don't like people. I try to avoid them as much as I can when possible."

At first it seems like an innocent enough thing to say as it is a common feeling in society now, right?

But that's the problem.

My partner surprised me by stopping at the Buddhist temple that is by his new home. I had no idea it was here nor have I ever seen a Guanyin statue of this scale; seeing it from the road as we pulled up immediately stole any thoughts from my being. He walked with me son and allowed me to take some time, which I am so thankful for. I'm unsure of why but I have always had a pull towards the Bodhisattva of compassion. Sitting below her gaze, blanketed in the rays of the sun, I closed my eyes and was able to feel both unity and peace. There are many obstacles lately in my life that years ago would have taken me down. Over the years I have grown strong and know I am capable of overcoming them.

One word that does describe something my partner and what they have brought into my life is just that: compassion. It is one of my favorite traits he possesses and maybe that's what I've always been missing in my life is my own source of it outside of myself.

It was a truly healing morning. I'm also thankful my son was able to be there to recognize the impact of spiritual experiences, emotional connection and expression, as well as practice respect in such a sacred space.

The Cosmic Dance by Stephen Ellcock.