#howtomoveon

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I am ashamed to say that, and I shouldn’t be. I never judge anyone else or anyone else’s diagnosis. I did not ask for this condition. But I have it, like several millions who have mental health illnesses. For the first time in the history of the human species Mental Health is being discussed amongst each other openly in much more public avenues. That being said, I feel it is my due diligence to use my voice, and share what it has been like to live with Borderline Personality Disorder. Imagine a blister, fragile to the touch, prone to infection, with just a thin layer of skin protecting your insides from being exposed to collecting dirt or other bacteria that cause a fatal infection if untreated. A borderline female is a beautiful and chaotic thing. On one hand we tend to be the most loving, creative, sensitive, thoughtful, and compassionate beings. On the other we have spent our lives taking in messages and our surroundings and using them against ourselves, feeling controlled by our emotions, afraid of our own brains and the places our thoughts can lead us to. A common thread is that we mostly we have spent our lives in SO much pain. Pain that I would not wish on my worst enemy. Pain that a razor or blade soothe, for a blades sharp edge doesn’t even come close to how we are feeling inside but is sharp enough to distract us from the pain within. We are known to seek attention at any cost. Starving ourselves, or overeating. Whether its selling our bodies, offering our bodies, or treating our own like nothing more then a sexual object we seek the comfort of someone elses to let us know we are alright, that we are indeed desired, that we can be “loved”. Because we hate the skin were in. Because having someone’s hand on us even if it is just for a night means we don’t have to be alone.  Being Alone is the scariest place to be. Alone the pain is magnified and something that would rub a non bpd the wrong way could make us feel like we want to end it all and just die. We convince ourselves that living—living is just too hard, and that this pain…. This all consuming pain that cripples us physically, emotionally, spiritually—I  mean all around-- will never end. There are times where we see clearly. Those are the times we are happy to be alive. We get another day to enjoy the sun that beams brightly on our faces—you can see when were happy, when we are in love, when we believe in something positive and strongly—you will never question how we feel—for we cannot hide it… we are open souls and we are open hearted and the least judgemental creatures that are seeking to be understood while trying to understand our own sense of self. That is where Borderline Personality gets tricky--- especially young borderlines because our brains, sense of time, and worldly knowledge are still so far from being fully developed. Not only do we have a lot to learn but we have to learn it while our brain is on fire. And that is the thing—I Spent most of my life fighting my BPD symptoms on top of just trying to have a life, go to school, make friends, be a good daughter and sister, and girlfriend… and it was all just too much to take on. A simple task became the end of the world for me--- no one would ask someone to stitch up a hole on the back of their jeans while they were stuck in their house that was on fire surrounded by flames… they would tell them to get out. And that is how I felt—entitled to get out, in any way, any shape, or form… I just had to get out of my brain.  But in the moment how do you explain that to someone who doesn’t understand that sewing up a hole with needle and thread pushes you off the edge? And that was what it was like when I was emotionally dysregulated. I was and can be a DANGER to myself. I wouldn’t harm a fly-a rat-a mouse, but I am the most LETHAL when it comes to myself, and myself only. Some of us break things, I did. But only to demonstrate the rage that built up inside of me. Only to show people that inside I am indeed hurting to this amount. The desire to be understood, or for someone to tell us that they too feel similarly—is so needed and helpful in the most profound way. I say this because without meeting the wonderful human beings I have met in treatment facilities suffering from BPD or other mental health diagnosis—all with gifts and challenges and a battle to fight of their own-- I would never EVER have the courage to come forward and share my experience.

It is in breaking my anonymity that I want to share with everyone that suffers with a mental health diagnosis that you are not alone. That you have nothing to be ashamed of, and that you can have a healthy and productive life with a recovery plan. Mental Health Treatment is much like attending AA—you need a DAILY reprieve to battle your condition. Without a treatment plan, without the proper and continuous and regimented medication (if needed), therapy, support system, and schedule you will have a much rougher time combating whatever youre facing. Not only is mental health a booming topic of discussion but the field itself is growing in ways that are remarkable. I spent so long fighting my diagnosis, fighting the treatment, fighting taking medication, fighting was recommended because I did not want to have my diagnosis. I did not want to believe I was in a category of people that needed pills to function normally—but how many people take medication every day to make sure their bones stay strong, or help with their lactose intolerant problems?

Everyday I wake up and re commit to another day of making sure my mental health is my number one priority—and the first thing I do is reminding myself that I ACCEPT myself for everything that I am. That I am not my diagnosis but that I indeed have Borderline. With practice and effort the things that once seemed so heavy no longer are, but only because I have been attending a diagnostic program where I have been able to set up a structured schedule that I will maintain after leaving. I noticed that If I sleep at the same time and wake at the same time, I am a different person. I noticed that with daily physical exercise even if it means walking for an hour I feel much better about myself and my body stays energized. Meditation is so crucial. As long as I meditate once a day in the morning my entire day tends to go positively. I have become a huge fan of DBT. I was not always a fan- especially as an adolescent --- oh how against it I once was… The workbook and concepts that were (this is putting it lightly) mundane, boring, and militant are what my mind craves. I love the structure-I love what it has given back to me.

The young girl who was so terrified of herself and her own brain knows that feelings are just feelings—I mean I always understood that saying but I never had any control of my own feelings—I was a runner. You couldn’t get me to sit still, or spend an evening alone with having a complete meltdown EVER. I am so strong now that I laugh at that—I laugh because I am free. I am smiling as I write this because I know that I have the skills to face things, have done so here at lidner. I smashed the fear of having to sit through things, to get through things on my own that used to CONSUME me WHOLE—and now do it happily because that means that I AM in control not the other way around. Lindner and DBT has given me, myself back. There is not a better gift once can receive after being lost for so long.  I keep thinking gosh I want to share it with everyone—I feel like ive been given this secret remedy--- so I have never been more excited to start my life, to give back, to try and help others who are still struggling  battling themselves, their brains, their emotions this wonderful tool that not only has saved my life but has also given me myself back.

How do you stop dwelling on the past and start moving forward?

Letting go of the past, painful memories, and forgiveness is not easy in many cases, but fortunately, it can be learned to a great extent.

Why you should let go of the past and live in the present

At any point in your life, the situation is as it is, whether you like it or not. You do shape the future. But what happened has happened. And ensures that the situation is as it is now.

If you keep fighting against this, you ruin your ability to find solutions, let go of the past, and live in the present. 

To cope with the situation you need to accept and let go of certain things. To get out of this you will have to let go.  You let it go and go on with your life. 

The hard truth is that many of the things that happen in our lives are beyond our control.

Of these things, we do not influence their outcome and we will have to accept this, however, it may turn out for us.

If you want to let go of something you have to accept it first.

You do not linger in the past but focus on the present moment.

Are you ready to LET GO of your past and feel free?

Then take a look at this article about LETTING GO OF THE PAST, moving on and setting yourself free. I will show you exactly the step-by-step process on how to finally let go of your past.

A lot of people love to mesmerize on the words “I hope” and “I wish”. Just like for example, they are wishing and hoping about the possibility of time travelling so that they can go back in their past or future lives. But most of the people actually want to go back in their past lives rather than seeing their future. The question is, why do people keep on dwelling in their past lives, even though it’s already written and will never come back at all? Why don’t they just leave the things that already faded away? Why don’t they just accept the fact that things are meant to change and there is no permanent thing in this world? And lastly, why they should let it go already?

“If there’s no past, there will be no present, nor future.” This is one of the famous sayings of all times. Well, this is indeed accurate for it shows that our past lives is really important because it is a pre-cursor towards the betterment or worse of our present and future. This is why people wanted to go back in their past, it has a big impact in our present time. Even me, the one who writes this essay, yes, I did dream going back in my past life. Why I did? Well the main reason was because I wanted to change something about it. I didn’t like how my present turned out. It’s just really painful for me to accept the things that were lost even if I don’t really want it to let go. It’s just really absurd that a special person or a moment will only lead to a painful memory. I wanted to change myself in that certain part of my life so that I won’t end up crying over a person who will just leave me even though he promised that he won’t. I wanted to go back because I wanted to change sorrowful happenings in my life. A lot of people, like me, is hoping for one more chance, so that they can change their past decisions because they don’t wanted the way their lives turned out in their present time.

Along with wanting change, there’s the regrets. I wanted to change something because I regret that it happened. I regret my past decisions. Some people can also relate to me, because they have also regretted such things that causes their unpleasant tears. Regrets that holding us back to move forward and triggers us to have a grudge on someone. Like for example, we regret that we met a person because he/she might be the cause why we are having such a hard time to move on with our lives. Because of this, we ended up blaming ourselves saying, “If I was wise enough, it will not end up this way.” But regrets don’t just focus on this kind of perspective, other people also regret because they are not satisfied with a certain time or moment. Why they are not satisfied? Because they didn’t make the most of it. They just let that time pass by and they didn’t cherish it. Like for example, people who are so workaholic missed out such blissful moments in their love ones’ life and at first they don’t really care about those moments, instead they will only start caring when it’s already too late.

On the other side, there are also people who are already contented and they feel much happier in their past lives. Those types of people don’t want change at all, they are neglecting it. Yet the cruelty part of this is that change is inevitable. It really happens even if we don’t want it all. Change is going to come and we don’t have any choice but to welcome it. Those reasons that I gave was really strong that’s why I fully respect it, but in this essay I wanted to wake up those people who still keeps on wandering in their past lives and people who were blinded because of it. I will pull them out of that world... Out of that past life. Just like me, I wanted them to see the beauty of the present time rather than the past and the future. I wanted them to accept that what they have done is already done. Past can’t be changed anymore. There’s no such thing that will bring them in that time because it is really impossible.

Wake up! Don’t dwell on that tricky past anymore. Don’t live in that realm wherein you are just blinded, suffering and that pain in your heart just keep on growing instead of healing it. Don’t use the past to escape the present time. Your present time, right now, will also become a past. If that’s already the past, then you don’t have the power to change it anymore. Live in the present time because it is the only instance that you are capable to change what you really wanted to change. Stop dreaming that the past will go back, because it will never come back! Yes, it might be important, but don’t use it to make you much weaker like you used to be. Heads up, chest out and face the present time. Make the most of it! Don’t let the things in the past be repeated again. Change it while you have time! Stop crying over that dark past instead start smiling because you are given a chance to keep on going. Every day is a blessing and every day is a new beginning. Keep on rewriting your story while you still have the power to do it. Set goals and move forward! There are still tons of opportunity that lies ahead. God has a better plan for you. Always remember that you are not alone for He is always there. Don’t hesitate to ask for guidance because He is the key. He holds the bright future that is waiting for you. You might contradict that the past is much more powerful rather than the present time, but no, it is not. Past is past, it has already ended.

So then will you forget our love? Do you plan to throw all that we had away for the sake of “moving on”? No. Do you know these old-school jewelry boxes that have a ballerina inside? You can open the box to get your jewelry but you can also turn a key, press a button, then the ballerina will start dancing. For the space that we shared, the love that we bore and cultivated between the two of…