“I Fell Apart, But I Survived”
early december came, and before i knew it i was having to put my own mind, body, and soul into pushing itself to recovery. the treatment my oncologist put me on was a series of a pediatric chemo with adult steroids. the purpose of the steroids is to help make the chemo more effective and helps destroy cancer cells, while in some patients it also helps with appetite. but they never told me i would lose all function of my whole body.
before i knew it, i was falling to my knees - literally. the steroids had destroyed my muscles, leaving me like a lifeless corpse. i was completely bed ridden, having to be moved by every one else. my head, arms, and legs were completely useless to myself. i had to be fed, cleaned, an tossed around while having test done constantly.
my eyes began playing tricks on me, i was seeing dots and flashes. ophthalmologist were checking them every other day. my arms became noodles and my hands were cramping in place. my abdomen had become numb leaving no option but to get frequent sonograms, and my skin started drooping from losing so much weight. my legs and feet were absolutely paralyzed, barely felt the needles being jabbed into them by neurologist.
eventually, my oncologist started to wean the dosage of the steroids so that i could learn to gain back my strength and walk again. it took so much in me, physical therapy hurt so bad. but i didnt give up. i pushed myself even if that meant falling down over and over again. yes, there were days i cried about the thought of having to hurt my own body and push it to its limit, but the thought of what if i fall again.some days that meant it would take two therapist to help me walk with a walker that day, it started with standing, to side steps, soon i was shuffling to the entrance of the room door and back to bed. before we knew it i was back in the halls.
im now able to walk, but with limits. i used a rolling walker for quite some time. i was still suffering with my ankles and feet though. we learned i was now diagnosed with foot drop, a abnormality where you are unable to lift your forefoot up from the ankle. i have to wear a carbon fiber brace on both feet now to help keep my forefoot elevated while i walk, and with a cane at that.
i some times have a stumble and i may sometimes fall, but its better then what it was. i eventually will be able to walk normally again one day, but it wont be easy. my legs hurt every day. from the back of my calves up to the front of my thighs, thats what makes me want to not get up most days. but i remember i dont want to be like this forever and i know i can push myself to do better - so i do.
