#tcell

they ask “how are you feeling?” followed by “you look great!”. 

i always reply “im feeling great, thank you so much!”.

im trying my best to stay strong, im still learning how to live with an illness. what i dont want you all to know is how im really feeling. physically, mentally, and emotionally. living with an illness that has already taken 56,000 lives in just 2019, and counting. an illness that accounts for 9.4 percent of the deaths from cancer in 2019. not counting the many other strains thats taken over 606,000 lives also. 

yes, im still breathing. i still have a life to live. im able to be here and be in tune. im just a little tired of hiding the ugly parts though. ive never been one to feel pitty or want others to feel sympathy for me. prayers are all i could ever ask for. being in my childrens lives another day is what makes me push harder. so the next time you ask me how im feeling or how things are going, just keep this in mind...

im not okay. i live with TCELL ACUTE LYMPHOBLASTIC LEUKEMIA and TCELL ACUTE LYMPHOBLASTIC LYMPHOMA, both stage 4. im on many different medications for many different things. some days my legs hurt so bad i cant stand without them feeling like theyre crumbling from beneath me. the slightest touch of a blanket or even the air from the a.c. will burn my skin. i get nausea for literally no reason. my eyes play tricks on me and i see things that arent there. my stomach constantly feels like that bat is being beaten to it. my voice only goes so high and cuts out a lot. i suffer to take deep breaths on occasions. i trip over my own toes daily with fear of falling and hurting myself further. 

i may be considered “disabled” now, i may be known as the “girl with cancer”. these definitions wont stop me though. i will continue to fight my fight and better myself in every aspect. i will walk again without use of braces or a cane, without fear of falling over or tripping. i will live my life happy and healthy without having the use of filling my body with medications that only do me more harm then good. i will live long enough to see my kids grow and live their lives happily and healthy. i will sit in the driver seat of a car again and cruise the streets as i did before. i will be me again, just a better version with a authentic story to tell. 

after a week being on life support, i remember waking up in a small and cold room. i looked up and around, only seeing my mom and being in a frantic state noticing all the tubes i had coming out from my mouth, nose, and groin. “what is happening?” i asked my mom as tears started to fall down my face. thats when she replied “you have cancer” and hugged me real tight. i dont remember anything else after that, until the following day. i woke up in a different room, surrounded my doctors and nurses, all talking and working so quickly. before i knew it, there was three of them huddled over me, extracting the breathing tube out from my mouth. it was the worse feeling following, almost like i had a ball stuck in the pit of my throat that i couldnt swallow or cough away. moments later, a nurse tried feed tubing me (through my nose) which led to me being extremely sick for the rest of the night. i didnt want nothing to do with the liquid juice she was pouring into my nose, i was craving real food! things begin moving quite quickly the next morning. i had a german nurse, loud and spunky and was ready to kick my ass back to recovery. but before we began that, i had to learn how to hold my tooth brush all over again! brushed my teeth, took a dry shampoo to the hair, walked a few steps to the toilet, and was given real food. things didnt seem so bad, other then the body aches i was experiencing. but then the poking and pricks begin, i didnt feel to well after that. 

the week to come, i had stitches put in my groins from where they removed the ecmo machine, i had a picline placed in my upper right arm, while i was under the life support they had already done two biopsies, leaving a long scar on the right side of my chest. i had a lumbar puncture, a power port inserted on the left side of my chest, which led to the removal of the picline in my arm. eventually, after some time, the stitches in my groin ended up being infected causing me severe pain and sickness. they quickly rushed me to surgery where they cleaned out the infection, and ended up placing a wound-vac in the right side. of all the needles, and complications, and procedures i was receiving (that i was awake for), replacing and cleaning that wound-vac will forever be the most painful thing ive experienced since being sick, so far. 

- TO BE CONTINUED

(part two)

the following is a series of notes written by my mother of daily updates on me. 

November 2, 2018 - huge mass found in chest, put on breathing machine and transported to westchester medical center. went straight to operating room, biopsy of mass - put in ctcu - put on bypass and stayed on breathing machine. took biopsy of bone marrow. started chemo.

November 3, 2018 - no change all day. heavily sedated. no chemo to brain until shes off ecmo machine. going to meet with oncologist tomorrow. brother flying in. 

November 5, 2018 - you were a lot more alert today. you even gave Santina the finger !! still on machines. we met with dr. lim and he told us it will be a long road ahead but there is a very good chance your gonna beat this. your brother got here!

November 6, 2018 - dr. call for authorization to go in and check breathing pipe. said it opened up but you still need bypass machine so basically nothing was done about that today. slept all day!! got chemo treatment. 

November 7, 2018 - you came off the ecmo machine and they were going to then try to take you off the breathing machine after we left, im so proud of you, finally some good news. 

November 8, 2018 - called the hospital at 8:30a for update, they could not take you off the breathing machine so now they will move you to a medical icu. you came off breathing tube early pm, you did great! t-cell lymphoblastoma. 

November 9, 2018 - great job today, you took a few bites of food and a few steps! they put in your piclines (there is a card for picline that you always have to carry with you). they should be moving you to oncology tonight. found some ugly stuff in bronchal passage. sent out for testing. 

November 10, 2018 - you ate well, throat still hurting. took shower, santina and mike were there. chemo treatment today. santina went and bought you personal hygiene stuff to make ;you feel better. 

November 11, 2018 - mrsa in bronchal passage, need i say more ...

November 12, 2018 - you had a good day, got blood clotthing meds. took,k shower, ate well. 

November 13, 2018 - chemo day and spinal tap to check spinal fluid to brain. 

November 14, 2018 - not feeling well today - had p.t.

November 15, 2018 - taking out pic lines and having a port put in chest. 

November 16, 2018 - took scan of heart, not good. a lof of fluid in sac around the heart, probably caner cells. 4 ventricals of the heart, 2 work harder then the other 2 but because of the fluids pressing on the heart it is collapsing the 2 stronger ventricals. they will drain some fluids and test them, they will also leave a drain in her heart sac out of her chest. chemo day! update, removed 400cc of fluid and no drain put in heart!

November 17, 2018 - you had a uncomfortable day. everything was hurting you.

November 18, 2918 - good day, you even walked around the hall with santina. ct scan, need results, still havent taken out pic line. 

November 26, 2018 - clot in lung and legs. lump on back. bleeding. chemo today. 

November 27, 2018 - very week, lump on back is bulging disc. clot in lung and both logs. neurologist came in he will be running some test. chemo today in spine. 

The feeling of your bones cracking and aching. Your skin itching. Your muscles spazzing. The slightest touch to any source of the body, instantly feeling as though there is a bruise the blackest and blue. Joints giving out. Swelling in hands and feet. Be careful not to burn your fingers at any time seeing as you cant feel them. Am i hot or am i cold? Is this sweat or tears? Skin is burning, make sure theres no rash. Everyone keeps saying you look great, but your hair is in an awkward stage. Back pack check for hand sanitizer, sun screen, medicine, lotion, wipes. Liquids at all time. Wanting a fresh caesar salad today, but not being able to have one. Someone sent beautiful bouquet of flowers hoping you feel better, and having to give them away or throw in trash not being able to enjoy. Loving the feeling of the breeze against your skin on a warm june day. the smiles and stories you share among your friends and family while you sit around the table. Memories and pictures sent to one another, reminiscing on all that was and is still good. This too shall pass, but also a lessons learned.  

over the last few years ive dipped into the makeup scene a little more and more. practicing the artistry, being more involved in the community, taking a risk and even becoming an influenster. thanks to subscription boxes and great sales, it helps to keep up and not feel so left out.

i wasnt going to mix my cancer blog with my beauty blog, it wasnt until i was posting a review with an attached picture of myself that i noticed the scar on my chest was more dominant that ive ever noticed before. it made me think.

with my illness, will it make people or companies look at me differently? i definitely dont feel as beautiful as i felt before. im still not adapted to my short hair, especially in the awkward stage its at. ive become so uncomfortable with my weight, fluctuating so often and not being able to be as active as before. these are all things i feel make me not as confident as i was before november.

i dont want to say i was ever conceited, but i did walk around with my head high and strut my stuff in confidence. i want to be that woman again. i dont want to hear others tell me “its ok”, “its only temporary”, “i like how you look”. i dont believe it one bit, it almost feels like its being said just to help me feel better. i wish i could just feel better. 

the more i make my reviews, and post product material, it sends a wave of joy over me. being interested and learning about products keeps me more involved in the beauty community. sometimes it can filled with hating, jealous, ugly on the inside individuals. but for the most part, their mostly loving and uplifting artist who understand the world isnt the prettiest place and were all not the same. we can do it how we want to, there is no rule book. never hold back on your creativity. we are all unique in our own way.