Like nails to a coffin my spirit is bound to my body; astral and physical both finding unity to compose the symphony of my essence, only to be revealed halfway, impeded by the carnage of the battle between my mind and heart.  Like a stab wound comes the feeling of being held hostage under my own skin, the feeling is numbing and consuming like the fire of a chimney left unattended, eventually lighting the house on fire and eating all the precious memories held within. I walk alone in the lane of sorrows, holding my own hand in hopes of finding some stedying strength within. Nobody can help me find the path I’m searching, for I am both the map and the lost item and my consciousness is the distance that must be traveled.  Mirrors on the wall don't help me; they don't show the rough details of my true form. The face belongs to me yet I don't belong to it. My true self finding it hard to escape the confines of the limits it was given when created, limiting me to an existence of showing the world a small fraction of who I truly am. 

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I was no longer the girl who said nothing back, who always came back “in the name of love” who took the disrespect repeatedly until I continuously erupted like a volcano. Now I am no longer the scared timid girl. I’m the woman who will disrespect you if you disrespect me, but now more politely. I’m the woman tired of being in pain, unhappy, unheard & not feeling alive.

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Finding happiness is quite literally finding yourself & I never truly did. What makes you tick? What keeps you going? I couldn’t answer those things for a long time, trying to pretend. Losing who I once was. Thinking there was something wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with me. Now I have a small list of people, places and things that make me happy. Dreams that keep me going choices to make to take me where I ultimately want to be. I know what I want & I always did. Now I’ve learned the ultimate secret.

The one who broke you will never be the one to heal you. You Have To Heal You. You can’t expect the one who broke you into pieces to bring those pieces and say “I’m gonna put you back together” you can’t do that. You can, but why would you choose to? Why?

- T.A

Laying on the couch Staring at the wall Seeing sunlight hit the paintings

Falling in and out of sleep In the midst of consciousness Wondering what I’m doing here

Biding my time--barely Sitting around wondering what to do Have this mental image of my life

What I want it to be But here I lay Not ill, but not well

Wasting my time away Wondering what’s the point It’s all up from here

swimming to the watershed

'tween this life and the next.

When we find our way,

lost in the trees of our mind,

we greet the peace found.

Looking for the bond

amongst many false pledges;