#fictive headmate

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To start off (hi, the host, Meggie here), we’re not talking out of our asses here. We’re made up nearly fifty percent of “problematic” fictives, as our brain just seems to latch onto big personalities.

All within the same headspace, we have AM- Yes, Allied Mastercomputer- from IHNMAIMS. We have Patrick Bateman. We have Betelgeuse from the Beetlejuice film. Hell, we have one of prime assets from Outlast Trials (Mother Gooseberry and Dr. Futterman). Those are only a few, as we easily have close to 15 to 20 of these fictives, all living in the same headspace. Highly separated individuals who experience each other more like roommates, and fairly source accurate.

“Dear god.”

Honestly, sometimes I stop and think the same. But the truth is, we make it work. Is it clean and fun all the time? No. We have our bumps in the road, we have our misunderstandings and fights. But for the most part, we’re able to reasonably corral everyone onto the same page and work (kind of) as a team.

So, let’s go over some basics:

Readjust your expectations

Is it cool when fictives can become friends for you to hang out with? Absolutely. But not every fictive will want that, and that won’t be healthy for every fictive. Phyllis and Dr. Futterman have massively chilled out since arriving and can be really wonderful to talk to. But you know what? AM still hates my guts because I’m a human. And you know what else? That’s okay. For AM, working as part of the system means freely having his ability to tell me I’m a meat sack vermin, all while still aiding here and there. I wouldn’t say he respects me, but he understands our existences are tied to each other and it’s at least beneficial when we work together. All in all, make sure you’re not setting unrealistic expectations for their behavior.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, a month, or a year

This one I think is immediately self-explanatory. Imagine if you lived a specific way for… You know, all of your life. Now imagine you randomly get plucked out of that, tossed into some random bitch’s head, and asked to completely change yourself. I’d be pissed, too. Not to mention, repeatedly demanding change will escalate the tension and make changing feel like a job with a deadline, rather than the healing and exploration it’s supposed to be. Understand that this is stressful for them, too.

Communicate your boundaries from the beginning

Don’t confuse them. If there are bothering behaviors you’re not willing to put up with from the beginning, make sure you communicate that from the start. Otherwise, they have no clue what’s fully being asked of them, and randomly changing that goal post because your stress tolerance changes isn’t fair. Is a headmate queerphobic? Tell them from the start those beliefs aren’t welcomed, and why. Picking on other headmates? Not welcomed, and why. However you need to do it; Leaving a note, leaving a message, talking to them in-sys, co fronting and talking aloud. Don’t be facetious about it, but genuine. Remember, this may be the first time they’re hearing of why this isn’t okay. Give the benefit of the doubt before assuming willful ignorance. Make sure you’re consistent with what you’re telling them is the issue.

Actually reward improvement, which can be big or small

The other day, a fairly new problematic headmate asked our caregiver a genuine question about their actions. Our caregiver (we love you, Kristy) gave a genuine and measured response, giving the benefit of the doubt that they were trying to learn. In response, this headmate has since taken opportunities to start questioning. Is it a lot? To some, no. But it’s a lot to them. As such, we’re planning on treating this headmate in what ways we can. You can do this, too, in what ways you can. Show that their changes are celebrated, because nothing feels worse than having your hard work unacknowledged because it’s simply expected.

Apologize when you’re in the wrong

This feels obvious, but you’d be surprised how many people will feel they don’t owe someone an apology because of their past as a fictive. All this is going to do is breed resentment and double standards. If you realize you’ve been in the wrong, give a genuine apology. Explain what you understand was done wrong, why it was shitty, and how you plan to approach situations like that in the future. If something else was bothering them that you didn’t account for, don’t get pissy. Just listen. Communicate. Show you’re willing to give what you also expect.

What do I do if I’ve tried this, but not only are they getting worse, but they’re incredibly harmful to our lives?

(TW: Abuse, SA mentioned in passing ahead)

I’ll admit; This is a part of the conversation most people don’t want to have. As a system with so many “problematic” fictives, it’s something we’ve had to address before. There was one fictive, which will go unnamed. Transphobic, scarily controlling, locked up our protectors and gatekeeper in-sys, and repeatedly physically abused and SA’d another headmate (sometimes the abuse happened while they co-fronted, so our body would get actual signs). Every time they did something, it had catastrophic consequences that all of us were left picking up the pieces of. We tried everything. We tried communicating, set down boundaries, tried to be fair. There were endless hours of crying, added stress that we didn’t have space to handle. It made us nearly give up on our current job we have.

There came a point when we had to realize enough was enough, and they weren’t interested in working with us. As such, they’re currently locked up within our system, at the very least unconscious and unaware of the time passing so it isn’t torture. It saddened us to have to make this choice, as we would have preferred it if we could reach some kind of agreement, but they made us aware time and time again they didn’t want that.

What gets us, is when this was happening (again, I want to remind you, they were locking up protectors, locking up our gatekeeper, being incredibly transphobic, and full blown SA’ing a headmate), we were constantly shamed by other friends for “judging them by their source” (AKA we would try to talk about the situation and they’d immediately shut it down without actually listening to us).

It’s sad when you have to make the decision to lock away a headmate. But here’s the honest truth; In some scenarios, it’s necessary. We’re not talking about this for validation or approval; We don’t need that from anyone but us. We’re talking about this because we know there are other systems out there like us who don’t just get a “difficult” headmate, but one who is full blown abusing them and ruining their life. If you have tried everything, if nothing is working, do the most humane thing you can to keep yourself safe. Understand that some people, fortunately for them, have not had your experience and literally cannot understand what you’re going through. The concept of a headmate like this is an uncomfortable topic, and while they mean well, are putting their emotions above your own, even though you’re the one experiencing the issue. Sometimes, people are just like that.

It’s your system. It’s your plurality. Too many people feel they’re owed windows into the lives of those around them, that they think themselves judge, jury, and executioner. It’s a problem with social media. It’s pretty ridiculous how victim blaming also descends into systems, as well.

(I’d also like to remind everyone, again, we have like 15 to 20 “problematic” fictives that we exist peacefully with. The above is, quite literally, not our norm, so check yourself before you pass judgment.)

Hope this has been helpful!

Meggie~