#emsaos

am i putting my pain bluntly on the internet for attention?

whenever i say "who cares about me?" am i doing it so my friends can comfort me so i feel loved? am i jumping to the worst case scenario? am i creating a self fulfilling prophecy?

is this an act i need to cut? is this an act at all? am i exaggerating my emotions or faking them completely?

what if my friends know? what if everyone knows? they know what i feel is as shallow as a kiddie pool.

there was one day i stopped feeling angry about the conflict in palestine. when i responded to those asks i wanted to feel angry. i really did. but i just couldn't.

there was one day my friend felt suicidal. i love her. i really do. but when i went to comfort her i felt no fear of losing her. none at all. i love her. i love her so so much. i wanted to be scared. i really did. but i just couldn't.

there was one day my friend went offline. everyone was concerned. i wanted to help her. i wanted to send her a nice message to cheer her up. hopefully. but when i did i didn't feel as worried as i wanted to. i love her. so so much. i wanted to feel worried. i really did. but i just couldn't.

when i dm'ed her a few days later i was scared she would be mad at me. anxious enough to have doubt literally strangle me. but not anxious enough to give me that pain in my heart and chest and stomach. i didn't feel as anxious as i wanted to. i wanted to feel anxious. i really did. but i just couldn't.

and even though i couldn't feel it. even though there was void.

i still acted angry.

i still acted scared.

i still acted worried.

i still acted anxious.

and i blew it out of proportion.

i wonder how many more times ive done something like that. in positive situations. in neutral situations. has my social life been built upon a lie?

the rest is real from what i can tell. but this isn't okay. it isn't okay. why can't i stop?

and then there's the mirroring. why do i mirror my friend's ways of speech? do they like me more when i do? i can't talk in any other way except theirs around them. is it normal? is it working?

correct capitalization and punctuation for Shine.

long tweaky paragraphs and keysmashes for Smal.

tonetags for Lowjay.

lowercase screaming and pink emoji hearts for Ginkgo

i love them. but will they love me when i put this out there?

im scared.

so scared.

i don't think i wanna be alone anymore.

this world is cruel and unforgiving. that's what it showed me at least. giving me three chronic disorders, two developmental, one anxiety, having no one ever tell me until last year, feeling like an outcast, broken and a victim for three years, and having no idea why i felt so off, and having enough empathy and sensory issues to last a million lifetimes.

i want it to feel more forgiving for others. there's so many people who have it even worse than me. it makes me feel like my pain isn't enough for me to be this fucked up. but more importantly. it makes me want to help people. at every cost.

i remember a time where i saw writing on the school bathroom walls. it said "if i don't pass this year, im taking my life ♡"

and i felt so so scared for that person's life. wanted to tell them it wasn't worth it. but i couldn't. and i was so scared it wouldve been my fault if they died.

and then someone answered. they answered their call for help.

and i remember looking at that and having my heart warm up inside my chest. but there was another voice in my head. a voice that said it should have been me.

it has to be me.

im the only one there to help.

im the one who has to keep everyone happy.

im the one who has to save them from dangers of their personal life.

im the one who has to give them gifts and spend time with them to avoid any strain.

im the one who has to keep them alive.

im the one who has to keep them by my side.

no one else will. no one else can.

and i can't either.

but who cares about me?

the crisis ends. i get distracted.