Summary: For more than a decade, Formula 1 has kept them in orbit. Carlos Sainz Jr. is chasing wins, contracts, and the weight of expectation. Elena Vasilakis is building her dream career behind the pit wall, one strategy call at a time. From DAMS to Ferrari, they grow side by side but never in step, always the right people, never the right time. Until...
Disclaimer: MDNI. Betrayl? Anxiety? The concept of cheating?
Author Note: I lied about 20 being the last official Renault Chapter. Oops. This was originally going to just be a text conversation but wow I couldn't not let us see both Elena and Carlos in this moment.
See the masterlist for AOTA here.
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Mexico GP, 2018
Mexico always had the best paddock food. Fresh, often cooked right on site of the small patio built behind some of the garages. Fake grass, plastic lawn seating, and umbrellas at every table. It had immediately become Carlosâs hub between interviews, media, and free practices 1&2.
It wasnât busy, most teams were finishing up debriefs, Renault had finished up ages ago. Keep pushing, perform like you did today for FP3, Quali, and the Race and you will secure our first podium this season. The advice echoed like a request, a silent plea from the team. So he came to the little oasis to think it over without interruption.Â
Until he caught sight of his favorite interruption. Elena was walking towards him and Carlos could immediately tell something was off. She was walking with stiff shoulders, eyes shifting just about everywhere but where he was, yet still approaching his table.Â
Elena was never fidgety, she was rarely ever uncertain. She usually moved through the paddock like she belonged there in every sense of the word, even though he knew she felt the pressures too. It was always something he had admired about her, something he tried to replicate. To assume you belong even if it is a new place, earning your spot.Â
Tonight she was anything but, she continuously turned a small paper cup in her hands.
Carlos leaned back in the plastic chair, stretching his legs out, pretending not to study her as she approached. Watching her stand against the fading sky, he nodded, silently telling her to pull out a seat.
âNot bad for a Friday,â he said, pulling his sunglasses off. âTop three twice. I am basically Vettel now.â
She gave him a look, her natural warmth creeping in for a brief moment, âDo not become unbearable.â
âToo late.â
She smiled, but then, as quick as it had come, it faded away. He noticed it immediately, he always did. When something changed the way she was holding herself, the way her brown eyes went from warm to empty in split seconds, it was hard for him to ignore.
âWhat?â he asked, softer now, wanting to reach over the table. Wanting to reach over his discarded paper plate of a few bites of enchilada he hadnât finished, just to take her hand and remind her she could tell him anything.
The sun was dropping behind the horizon and buildings, painting everything gold. The paddock noise had thinned to distant garage echoes and rolling equipment cases.
She traced her thumb along the rim of her paper cup, over the ridges of the sleeve. âThere is something I should tell you.â
His stomach tightened, though his expression didnât change. Head tilting to the side, attempting to combat his nerves with curiosity, wanting to support her.
âThat sounds ominous.â
âIt is not.â Elena hummed quietly, it felt like a long silence before she finally spit out what she seemingly had been holding onto. âI am seeing someone.â
It didnât hit all at once. It felt more like the way one would brace for impact while trying to recover a car whose brakes had locked up.
âOh?â he said, keeping his tone even. âSince when?â
He could see the wall getting closer, his shoulders pulled up to protect his neck and upper back, while he tried to keep his arms loose, prevent from snapping anything.
âSeptember.â
September. Since September they had been together in Singapore. Russia. Suzuka. COTA. Race weekends that Elena had stood beside him. Laughing with him, saying nothing.
Just as the nose of the car hits the barrier he closed his eyes, to not have to face it all. Mentally bracing for whatever impact he could.
He nodded once. âThat long.â
âWe didnât know if it would work, so it was easier to keep it quiet,â she said, as if making it work were as easy as breathing.
The crash finally came when the barrier gave in, allowing the car to bury itself inside. The Gâs slammed his body against the harness, trying itâs damdest to throw him into the rubber, and out to the wolves. No doubt leaving bruises for the world to see when he got out.
âEasier for you,â he replied quietly.
She winced. He hadnât meant it to hurt like that, he meant to just to state a fact. He knew that Elena likely found it easier to keep it quiet, because if it didnât work she could ignore its existence. Like she was currently trying to do with what they had.Â
âCami knows,â she added. âAnd Daniel. And Max.â As if she was trying to twist the knife. Of course they know.
âAnd I find out in Mexico,â he said, his jaw clenching slightly. It wasnât an accusation. Somewhere inside him he was trying not to ask why. Why she had kept it.
She didnât apologize for keeping it from him. He respected that, at least.
âWho is he?â
âMarco Gallo.â
The name clicked, familiar. ââŠThe Coke guy?â
She gave him a subtle nod, before picking at the cup again.
Carlos had seen him around McLaren hospitality. on the Sponsor side. Heâd been told that he was a connection to the contract with Coke, to be polite, which Carlos always was, for the most part. He didnât know much, but Carlos knew the guy was polished with a financial world kind of calm where he could be doing a million things and not be excited or worried externally. He had gathered that Marco was the kind of man who shook hands each was a contract you were signing.
Of course.
âHeâs steady,â she said quickly, as if trying to justify herself. âHe is not...â
The implication hung between them as she searched for the word she needed. Carlos gave a small exhale through his nose. He knew what she meant. Marco was steady like he wasnât, he probably had a house, a favorite restaurant, a home office, All things Carlos had⊠But the difference was, Carlos was never around enough to make them his.
 His home and home office were always pristine, un-lived in, like it was in a show room, because he was there for maybe 9 weeks a year, and used the office even less. His favorite restaurant had closed over 10 months ago, and he didnât even get to go back to have it one last time because he was going to be in South America for the end of the season.Â
His chest tightened as he tried to come up with something to say, yet his mouth could only find the words, âYou deserve steady.â
It didnât mean that he meant it any less though.
âHow serious?â he asked, trying to not ask as if it would give him hope, or drive his next decision.
âI donât know yet.â
That was honest. He could hear it in her voice, uncertainty.
Silence stretched and he let himself take the moment in, take her in. The same eyes. The same movement in her jaw when she was conflicted, half way between stubborn and worried. The same woman heâd loved since 2014 and never quite touched.
For a moment he considered his options. He could say it. He could tell her she was making a mistake. But, not because Marco was bad, but because Marco wasnât him.
His heart was pounding now, ridiculous, teenage, and reckless. Just like it pounded against his ribs once on a beach in England, one night before their adult lives began, walking along the water while the sounds of their friends faded in the distance, and all that mattered was that she was holding his hand.
âElena,â he started.
Her eyes lifted instantly and all resolve he had been storing away dissipated like cotton candy in a rain storm.
He didnât know what he was about to say. Tell her he loved her? Ask her if she was sure? Ask her if sheâd ever even considered him?
But what if she said no? What if she looked at him with sympathy instead of that fire he desired so much?
He could survive heartbreak, he had done that thousands of times. What he could not survive was losing her entirely.
So he swallowed it down into his chest, taking the moment to find words. âIf you are happy, Elenaâ he finished instead, steady, âthen that is enough.â
He watched something flicker across her face. Relief, maybe. Or disappointment. The hardest part was, he didnât know which it was, and he didnât know which was worse.
âYou could have told me,â he added quietly.
âI know.â
He stood up before he could change his mind, gathering the plate and utensils to toss in the can. âTomorrow,â he said, tone light again, armor sliding back into place like he just had to keep himself together until he got away. âmake sure Lewis does not take it personally when I am on pole.â
And then Carlos walked away before he did something stupid. Before he asked her to choose.
The way he said her name, low, almost unguarded, borderline desperate even if she didnât know what he would say. It all made her pulse spike.
For half a second, she thought he was going to say it. Not something casual, or something safe. But something dangerous, something she wasnât sure if she was afraid to hear, or longed for it.
Her body reacted before her brain did, just a subtle lean forward, breath caught, anticipation coiling low in her chest.
If Carlos asked-
If he said he loved her-
If he reached across that stupid plastic table and kissed her-
She would have let him.
The realization hit like cold water when you fell into a lake. It wasnât because she loved Marco less, but more because Carlos was⊠Carlos. He was her fire, her history, her gravity. And gravity always found a way to pull.
Instead he said, If you are happy, Elena⊠then that is enough.
Relief was the first thing to wash through her. Carlos was happy for her, or at least that is what she decided she would believe. Then a heavier realization hit.
He wasnât going to fight for her. Of course he wasnât. He never had, and he had no reason to. She had never given him permission to, always keeping him at arms length, for fear of being burned.Â
She watched him stand and gather his trash, taking it to the can. Elena hadnât even heard his last comment, what she heard was his ease and lighthearted tone slip back into place like it had never cracked in the first place.
This is better, she told herself.
Marco is good to you, he is steady, he can be what you need. Marco does not threaten to unravel your entire life with one look, then say what you didnât think would hurt so bad to hear.
Carlos walking away felt heavier than it should have. Like the entire world had shifted, and it was in a direction she wasnât sure she was satisfied with.
She stayed seated for another minute, staring at the empty space heâd occupied. A stray grain of rice on the table, a distant bird eyeing up some crumbs, the way the plastic had been worn in by the sun.
Then she reached for her phone. She wanted someone, anyone to talk to, so she didnât have to think about what had just happened.Â
Her thumb hovered between two names.
Cami.
Marco.
If she called Cami, sheâd have to admit what almost happened, and her best friend would lovingly not let it go until they unpacked it all like a therapy session.
If she called Marco, she could anchor herself. She could hear his voice, hear him say her name, and remind herself why she chose him in the first place.
She pressed Marco.
He answered on the second ring.
âBuongiorno mia coccinella,â he said warmly, sleep still in his voice. The time difference meant Saturday in Italy, his day off. Marco was a man who valued his days off, where no work was done, where the line in the sand existed between work and life. âHow was media?â
She let the sound of his steadiness settle her. âIt was nothing,â she didnât have the strength to tell him that media was done yesterday, âwork was busy.â
âYou sound tired.â
âJust a long day.â
He launched into something about his gym, how they changed the membership requirements, but somehow that was good, then about how he had gotten the book shelf for his office that he had been on the fence about for a few weeks.
Concrete things. Structured things. Safe things.
As he spoke, her pulse finally slowed. Elena's eyes closed, grounding herself at the small table as the cool of the evening swept through the paddock. This is the right choice, she told herself. Fire burns, until everything becomes ash. Stability builds into a future, an empire.
When she finally hung up, the paddock was nearly empty. She stood, smoothing her Mercedes shirt, forcing her spine straight, almost as if stretching would push all of the aches out of her body.
Tomorrow would be normal, it was going to be just fine. Carlos would be normal. Qualifying would be normal. And that was the entire point. Nothing had changed. She was convinced.
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â Pourquoi aurais-je besoin de ça pour te faire confiance ? dit-il simplement. Je sais que tu ne me feras pas de mal avec ce que tu sais. MĂȘme si on se connaĂźt Ă peine.
Un coup de coude dans les cĂŽtes la fit revenir sur terre. Aaron venait de la sauver d'une honte potentielle, mais ne se retint pas de la taquiner du regard.
*slides this new chapter across the table.* I have an emotional chapter with some heart that you can't refuse.
"Out There" - a sci-fi fantasy story.
Chapter 18: Memory in Rain
Will and Terra feel and smell rain again for the first time since their abduction from Earth.
The smell of petrichor tickled her nose. Memories revived and died in a rush through her so fierce, so fast, she could only register their existence before they were gone.
Rain.
It was something so simple, so natural, and yet to her, had become alien.
Rain was something she hadnât felt or smelled in two years.
Whenever a storm crossed over the mountains, she would walk out into the grassy courtyard and look up at the underside of Strafsendâs protective dome. The patter of droplets against the clear surface were distant. The dome had severed her connection to the weather, leaving her as merely an observer of something that was once so intimate - so visceral.
She knew sheâd felt rain before, but couldnât remember the last time or where. They were only let out of the bubble to conduct separation experiments. Those were always on sunny days, and often filled with pain that prohibited her from enjoying even a soft breeze.
This, however, lived here, beside her, with her. It surrounded her and buzzed through the marrow of her being. It was like a friend tapping at a door that she could finally open.
A surge of wonder and greed to experience rain again jet through her. She needed to connect with it once more.
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â Je suis si fiĂšre de ce que tu es devenu⊠Maman serait si fiĂšre de toi.
Une larme solitaire coula le long de la joue de lâhomme, que la blanche recueillit du bout du pouce. Cette derniĂšre rapprocha leur tĂȘte pour ĂȘtre front contre front. Savourant ce simple moment, entre une sĆur et son frĂšre.
â Je ne veux pas entendre ces mots. Nous avons tous fait des choix, et jâassume les miens. Et puis, je suis sur le point de tourner une page dans ma vie.
Devant l'air sceptique du capitaine pirate, elle se contenta de lui adresser une moue ravie. C'est alors qu'elle remarqua qu'il lui tendait un verre de champagne.
â Veux-tu me rendre soĂ»le au mariage de mon propre frĂšre ? fit-elle en acceptant quand mĂȘme la coupe.
Cela ne l'empĂȘcha pas de poser son poing sur la paume de sa main, attendant qu'il la copie. Gloussant Ă voix basse, il approcha son poing du sien, les balançant avec une parfaite synchronisation, de haut en bas, trois fois.
Prise de panique, la blanche attrapa les vĂȘtements de Marco et les jeta par-dessus la barriĂšre, prenant soin en une fraction de seconde de les lancer au moins vers la terre ferme.