#dn fandom

W/C: 4.4K

Summary: After your breakup, you had expected to never hear about L again, but after an accident, he lost his memory, and the only person he trusts to be around him besides Watari, is you. So, will you find a way out, or will you give up into his heart once again? GN reader x Lawliet

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Warnings: Amnesia, lots of yearning, missing someone, and some angst.

✮☆⋆˙ᯓ★ᯓ˙☆✮⭒✮☆⋆˙ᯓ★ᯓ˙☆✮

His mind was spinning, only feeling a fierce pain, but not being able of pointing out exactly where. He couldn’t exactly remember how he got here, the blinding lights were bothering his process of thinking. Making a quick analysis, he got: a mostly white surrounding, a bed beneath his body, a monitor showing his vital signs, and a bandage covering his forehead and squishing some of his hair. It all made clear his location.

Why would he be in a hospital out of all places?

Watari was the one to take care of medicine and illness if he got sick, he also didn’t exactly feel an injury in any way, except for the pulsing in his head, so what could have possibly happened for him to lose consciousness and be that careless to get hurt?

Everything aside, and a more important subject: Where were you?

If it was something bad, not even critical, he was almost certain you would be worrying your whole being into him not recovering, waiting there sat on a chair while watching him sleep, that would be much more likely than him being the only one inside the room.

He winced when making an attempt of sitting; there should be a button near him to call the nurse in charge of him, then, he could ask the situation. Doing so, a tall woman appeared in mere seconds, an anxious expression fulfilling her features, his eyes closed slightly at the sight.

Before he could question anything, what he believed was a nurse started spitting non-sense, mentioning an old man, no, based on the description, it had been Watari, and “explaining” that he had left a few minutes ago, not without mentioning something about needing a quick sugary treat.

Wouldn’t had it been ideal if instead of leaving him there with no companion, you stayed?

He mentioned your name, certain that you would’ve at least visited him meanwhile, universe knows how long has he been here, perhaps you had to continue a project from your job, needed to rest, put on clean clothes.

The nurse acted as if she had no idea who you were, and that only caused his pain to get worse. Surely Watari would actually be able to locate you.

He hadn’t done so. Watari avoided talking about you for at least the first twenty minutes of conversation, even if L insisted multiple times in doubting, it only got him weak not hearing a word about you, you would get sick as well if you had no idea of his current state, he hated the look on your eyes when you were concerned, or the nagging about his habits.

Apparently, after working himself to exhaustion (but in an even further level than he usually worked with), when he decided it was time to take a break, he had lost balance and fallen backwards straight to the floor, hitting his head completely. From the doctors’ words, he was lucky he hadn’t hurt his neck; yet, that didn’t mean he didn’t go without any scratch.

They had diagnosed him with temporary amnesia, forgetting only short memory events, around six months worth of his mind being erased. It all happened three days ago. So, you must have been notified.

When Watari did mention you, he wasn’t specific, telling him you were working and keeping it vague. The doctor quickly shoved him out of the room, telling L it was only to tell Watari something about the treatment needed, he didn’t mind.

Next thing, you were finally here, Watari had called you.

 Just as he caught only a glimpse of your presence, his chest relaxed along with all his limbs, and his world got a tiny bit more colorful with you. Still, his head ached again, feeling dizzy and fog cover his eyesight.

He asked to be left alone with you, your expression only showed tension, as if you were awfully uncomfortable, were you afraid of hospitals? No, couldn’t be, you never showed any reaction to them nor did you tell him, you told him everything.

Trying not to give it more thought than it deserved, he greeted you.

—Hello, my love.

Three words, and your heart felt like it had been stabbed multiple time and shot in every possible angle. They awakened memories you had sworn to finally leave behind. Of course he would call you that, he didn’t remember it, he wasn’t aware of your separation, Watari told you he wouldn’t be.

Your relationship had only been a phase, a luxury you allowed yourself to get foolish about.

—I… Hi, L... How are you feeling?

…

He pouted, or apparently did so, when you called him that, just by his name, it wasn’t unusual for both of you to call each other in formal ways, but right now, after being so troubled by your absence, he expected more than a simple “L”.

You noticed the subtle change, but didn’t want to point it out, calling him by anything else rather than his name might just bury you.

—I am in a regular state. Could be much worse… What took you so long to get here?

—Huh? Well, there was a lot of traffic, and my bus didn’t seem to be in a hurry.

You half smiled when you said the last part, trying to lighten him up, his eyes kept observing each mannerism you showed.

—Why didn’t you tell Watari to pick you up?

—Someone had to keep an eye on you, of course.

—You could’ve used our car.

That killed your argument, sure, you could have, but only if you were still living in the same place, you lived almost an hour away from your once shared apartment.

—I couldn’t find um… the keys, and I was told it was an emergency, so… I got out as quickly as possible?

That still didn’t fit. Your replies were simply not truthful, he could tell, the small pauses, the hesitation. And he was resisting the urge to keep pushing you until you said the whole deal, but he ended up deciding not to, if he wanted to reveal something he would’ve tried to continue working.

—I see.

You sighed, at least he bought that, according to Watari, it was crucial that you didn’t let him know the truth, any harsh memories could make him collapse, and as much as you didn’t want to be here, you still cared about his well-being.

—So… uh… How long till you get home?

Both of you acted as if it was a casual conversation, not acknowledging anything from his past questions or doubts, but his thoughts just kept pining over them, something was wrong, your words sounded dull, obligating your tongue to move and your voice to form a sentence.

—Around a week or less, depends on a few factors.

Less than a week, would it be enough time to arrange the department? It would take you about cancelling each plan that you had by now. You were starting to zone off, this was a lot to take in, what would happen once he regained his memories? Would he make you go away again? No, you had left by choice, you couldn’t take the victim paper now.

A soft murmur of your name got you out of the trance, looking at his eyes with little calm in yours.

 —Are you doing alright? What are you thinking about?

—I-I… Yeah… just… a bit worried about you. You know I don’t adore it when you’re sick or something alike…

When you finished speaking, he sat and took a more comfortable position, attempting to avoid breaking eye contact, then, he grabbed your hand, slowly caressing small circles on your palm with his thumb, a tiny smile decorating his lips.

You still cared for him, he believed that, he still had his doubts, your delay or uncertainty wasn’t a good sign, but that could wait; there wasn’t a real reason on why his chest hurt just by your voice, and somehow, he couldn’t care less. It felt as if he was missing you, yet you were in front of him, what a weird sensation, then again, you always brought these to him whenever no one else could.

He lifted your hand just a few inches closer to his face, close enough for him to plant a soft kiss on your knuckles, a silent promise he did when he was able to.

Your eyes stayed placed on where the touch happened, this was… a lot gentler than you remembered, in the best way possible. You could describe, after everything you told each other in the heat of the argument, that you had gotten some sort of a bitter taste in all your time spent together.

Maybe this would be healthy for you, to change your perspective on your failed relationship, that would be nice.

…

You hadn’t considered how easy it was to move things in your benefit when you had access to his money.

After lots and lots of L’s denial, or at least his own way of asking you to stay, which was keeping your hand with a tight grip, staring at you with the most serious and slightly annoyed expression each time you tried to stand up, even when you swore he was finally asleep; you were able to get outside of the hospital, thanks to Watari, clarifying to L that you still had things to do.

Once you did, you immediately stopped worrying about your own activities, and instead looked how could you put your last apartment to look as if you had never left it. Watari had given you a card and the apartment’s keys at the reception room, thank god, if not the case you would’ve had to invent another million excuses, and you weren’t sure if L would believe so many lies, even if they came from you.

As you tried to arrange things in the most accurate position, your throat was aching, you felt a knot in your stomach, this felt so wrong, you didn’t belong here, not anymore. You had imagined he had thrown away everything in his place that belonged to you, but some objects remained there, untouched.

Two rings you had bought, it was a matching set, one that you had gifted him when you moved in with him, promising you’d marry him one day, he stayed silent, he didn’t care for such thing as marriage, but if you wanted to, so be it. You had left yours on top of the table as you left, silently breaking a promise that was never truly done, he must’ve left his on top of yours days after your leaving.

In your once shared room you found a sweater, one that was way too small to be his, you soon recognized it, it was yours, of course, he wouldn’t answer each time you called to get your remaining properties, but keeping them would be of bigger use, that made sense, it still kept the smell of your perfume.

You sat on the bed, ignoring two boxes in a corner that you had brought, filled with most of your clothes, you caressed the sweater with a thumb after taking it, it was a weird sensation, even the mattress was stiff, had he used it? You didn’t believe so, had he even taken care of his sleep now that you were gone?

As you made sure all the dishes had the same order in the cupboard, in hope of not embarrassing yourself once he got here, you grabbed a floral cup, more exactly a cup that held the shape of one; you always made your morning coffee and served it specifically in it, saying it made it taste better. Beside it was a plain white one, with the words “#1 WORLD DETECTIVE”, another thing you had gifted him. When you were buying things to your home, you wanted the basics, but also something that made the place feel cozy.

When you showed it to him, he kept a straight face, but his voice sounded filled with soft happiness, muttering a ‘thank you’, he placed his fingers on top of yours, letting you handle it to him. You asked if he liked it, you knew it was a childish gesture, but he nodded, giving you a smile as he did so, since then you also served him his coffee there, every single time he asked you some.

You were staring, tracing letter by letter with your fingers, it seemed unused, all of the dishes seemed a bit dusted, that wouldn’t do. You washed them all with precise care before drying with a cotton cloth, and placing them again.

The place was rather clean, but everything seemed… hollow, only a husk of what used to be fulfilled with a mutual love, what a corny thing to think.

L would be fine in a few days, he himself told you, it’d be ok, long enough for you to get used at the idea of feigning a love you no longer felt, or you tried to convince yourself so. Watari warned you, this was for L’s general health, you could do this.

…

The days went on much faster than you recalled, who thought thinking could be this exhausting, you had went shopping, bought the usual foods you kept there, placed all your clothes in your closet, tried to make the place have a less medicine combined with coffee and sugar smell, called all your friends and family so they’d know you wouldn’t be that available, and clarified to your boss that you would be taking a little while longer to get there by an issue with an acquaintance, everything while visiting him at least one hour a day.

When his return finally came, your hands were sweaty, and you were having an anxiety you hadn’t had since you asked him to be your couple. The sight of him having a bit more energy than the usual thanks to the forced rest made you almost sick.

The ride back was silent, except for the droplets that hit the car and the windows, Watari was as polite as always, offering himself to drive, resulting in both of you sitting in the backseats. He was having that awkward position you never saw in anyone else, and you could tell you could be a competence against a statue on how still you were.

—…I must say it is strange to suddenly be in autumn, last thing I can recall is you being happy over all the flowers blooming in your plants.

You had forgotten about that. You had left all your pots and plants with him, not caring enough if they would be properly taken care of or not, but to your surprise they had been perfectly watered.

—Oh… Right, I suppose it must be a bit odd to see so much change you’re unaware of…

—Indeed… But it’s also pleasant to see all the calid colors.

You wondered for a second what to say, he truly seemed… relaxed, as if the weather or season made him cool down. Then an idea came to you, one that you were doubtful of doing it or refusing it, he could start being suspicious if you didn’t act like you usually did, right? So, why not take advantage of it.

—What’s actually pleasant is to see you without eyebags for once, you look better.

He didn’t say anything, but just kept his focus on you.

His head fogged again, though the compliment was nice, made his heart warm in the way only you could provoke.

—I thought you found me attractive even while having them.

Ah.

Teasing, he liked to do that. It came along with testing your limits, he did that in every circumstance with you.

—That doesn’t mean I won’t like you without them.

And after a hundred years, your heart raced, only because of three bantering comments.

It shouldn’t be doing that, it should feel dread, it should know this isn’t a reality anymore.

…

As he entered the apartment, he didn’t hesitate on looking around at everything, it was a normal gesture, he had forgotten half of a year, it was natural he wanted to see if anything changed.

—Did you tidy up? Everything is oddly in its place.

How messy did he think you were to not do so if he was injured?

He noticed every single thing, even asked why was the cereal box full and closed, why did you buy regular milk if you always bought the coconut one, if you did laundry, why did it smell like those expensive aromatizes and not like the softener you used, where was Mr. Mittens, a tiger plush you convinced him (if just asking could be considered convince) to buy; and a lot of other things, he was acting like a pet recently adopted.

When you two set down, telling him it wasn’t good for him to be so much time standing, he still had to get better, he went to the table, grabbing something and then looking at you with his lips pressed against each other, a subtle frown.

—…Why are you not wearing your ring?

—Eh? Oh! Um… I just… cleaned them, you told me a week ago jewelry had to be cleaned after a few months, so I sent them to a place that cleans silver or gold and well I guess it just got here yesterday and uh that’s why!

—…Right.

He didn’t buy that, not in this or any universe, but a strange itch on the back of his mind told him not to question you, so he didn’t, only placing the circular item on his respective finger then signaling you to give him your hand, then placing yours.

—There, now they’re right where they belong.

The rest of the day went on slower than you expected, he questioned every aspect in your life, trying to put his mind up to date, if your parents were alright, how was work going, not once deviating his attention from your voice.

As it got late, you suggested going to sleep, you needed a break from all this interaction with him. To your fortune, he agreed, standing up without any issue, and going to the bathroom, you should brush your teeth as well, but you couldn’t find it in you.

After he did so (to your surprise, you usually had to beg him to do more than once during the day), you reluctantly walked, then locked the door behind you, letting out a strong sigh, tears started to build up, and you wanted to only swallow them more than anything. You grabbed your toothbrush, placed a dot of paste on the tip, and started to brush.

You couldn’t dare to look in the mirror, what if then you woke up, realizing this was all a dream, a big bad dream. Because this couldn’t be nothing but a nightmare, thinking it would change your perspective was a mistake, this wasn’t changing anything, it only made you yearn, miss the connection you lost.

You spit the mix of spittle and paste into the sink, and continued drowning on your mind.

He could feel the loneliness, how this didn’t look like usual, it seemed forced. Everything seemed awfully perfect, completely the same, but your eyes only showed sadness, when he spoke, you didn’t look up at him as if he was the world, but as if he was a ghost, the memory of someone who wasn’t alive anymore.

How long would it take for you to tell him what is wrong?

As you got with him, he took the blankets and covered you two, not without noticing the discomfort in your countenance, he wouldn’t push, you’d tell him when you were ready. He covered your waist with his arm, hugging you as he hid his face on your neck. You only moved a few inches away, avoiding contact.

—…You smell nice… Are you… Upset? I’ve noticed a few strange behaviors and…

You couldn’t reply, silence would be all his question would have, this was too much. Only a few minutes, you could wait, you had to, it didn’t matter how awful and drench gutting it felt to have him like this, you could manage.

His hand was cold, freezing, but feeling his chest against your back formed a delicate heat, and before you became aware of it, you were embracing his arms as well, letting yourself fall asleep like this.

…

As you woke up, you rubbed your eye with your fist, no longer having a trace of L’s presence, and when you registered what that meant, your expression stiffened, having him go free around the place wasn’t a good idea, he was more than capable to figure things out. What time was it? You had to get up earlier today; you still had a job! You turned around to see the clock:

9:37 A.M.

Way too late now.

You ran off to the living room as you tried not to panic, what if he went out? No, he wouldn’t do that, it’d be way too out of character; as you failed in not getting more nervous, the sound of tiny pieces hitting a hard material distracted you.

There he was. Sitting next to the table as he served himself cereal on a bowl, your favorite bowl on what is truly important.

At your lack of action, L turned to you, having a cheeky grin, then moving the bowl to the side, there were two of them, he had served you.

—Morning, my love, I figured you were tired, and due to my lack of experience on the kitchen, I decided it’d be better if I kept breakfast on the simple side.

—…I… Aren’t you… supposed to be solving cases all the time?

Awful words to say to your ill boyfriend who just made an effort to help you.

—…Doctor told me it’d be beneficial if I didn’t oblige work into me, thought it’d be enjoyable to spend a few days off with you.

No. This was enough, you didn’t need to be reminded even more about how wonderful everything is right now and what you lost and how you’ve already thought this a thousand times.

—Oh… Uh that’s… great! Just… I should get going now that I think of it… I have work and all of that!

Before he replied, you rushed into the bedroom, quickly changing into uniform and brushing your hair, taking a backpack and trying to silence all the sudden sensations your body was showing.

The door knocking took you off guard, coming along with the mention of your name.

—Are you doing well?... I comprehend it must be weird for me to have… amnesia, yet, did I… do anything for you to be upset with me?

God.

This wasn’t the L who had ignored you, the one who made you feel as if you were nothing. This is an L who still loves you, and that doesn’t know why you’re acting like a total idiot.

—…I’m doing well, don’t worry…

…

You hadn’t kissed him goodbye, nor did you eat anything before leaving, and you always kissed him goodbye, no matter how mad you were.

His mind fog didn’t matter; he needed to know what was this unspoken situation that made you so distant.

Observing the apartment wouldn’t be enough, though.

He reached his phone, looking up your number, maybe some evidence laid on your chat, maybe it was something foolish, he could solve it, find a way for you to be normal.

Your number was blocked.

And all the conversations had been erased four months ago.

He tried to reach your mom, no one answered, neither did your father or your brother.

It was as if nothing that involved you knew of his existence anymore.

That could only mean one thing, and suddenly all the pain and confusion you were causing him made sense. Because you weren’t meant to still be by his side.

…

When you arrived, you noticed the cereal you had left untouched, and with how little you had eaten, it looked appetizing even if it was soggy.

You wanted to talk about everything that happened in the morning, apologize, but the idea of being able to fuck up a second time caused you to be uneasy. He hadn’t told you a word, maybe he didn’t want to talk, you deserved it after avoiding him.

Yet, you could make this better, he was still unaware of everything, you were able to stay this time, for a n undetermined time.

So, the second you actually saw him, you didn’t question yourself, only decided quickly, cupping his cheeks and kissing him, middle doing so whispering a soft “I’m sorry”. His lips tasted the same.

He didn’t push you, and actually placed his own hands on your lower back, the moment wasn’t rushed, instead, it was calm, he didn’t respond, doing his best to remember where everything went off.

Two days with him returning and you weren’t able to put a façade, not even a short time, how useless you were when it came to lie to him.

—…I… I know about our separation.

Your heart skipped a beat when he said so, and you let go of him.

—You do?

—…I do. I… I’d like to figure out the reason but… It’s understandable if you don’t want to tell me, I won’t push you to do so. And… If your desire is to leave… I won’t stop you; I don’t need you to take care of me if it’s not your responsibility.

…

Did you want to leave?

You weren’t quite sure.

A week ago, you would’ve accepted without reluctance, but now?

Now that you thought perhaps, you could’ve figured things out. You just didn’t want to because of the sourness of your discussion, and before you could turn back it was too late.

Would it be worth a try?

—I don’t. I… I want to stay.

…

—I- No, I don’t want to tell you the reason but; I’m sure you’ll remember it any moment… It just… It hurt… To be something back then? Yet, I still… fuck, I missed you, ok? It was… awful to be so far away from you, and knowing you probably didn’t feel the same, it made it much worse.

You took a pause, then looked directly at him.

—I still want you.

A/N: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Hello! I hope y'all are doing ok, I'm sorry about the so long hiatus that I never mentioned I'd have, it's nice to be back. I think this would my second most long fic, I hope you enjoy it! Sorry if the ending was kind of rushed, I didn't really know if I wanted something angsty, but considering this is my return, take the ambiguos ending as a sorry! (and my laziness to write more)

I want to say that no, none of my projects are abandoned, I WILL update, and probably soon! I hope so. And, that my requests are still open (they're the ones who actually keep me motivated).

I'm sorry as well if L doesn't feel as L as he should, I'm a bit rusty after not touching Word for a long while LOL, I really hope some of you are still here :').

But well, thank you to the people who kept asking me about my mood! Love you a lot.

Sorry for the rambling, I would say more, but I don't want to bore you to death, so, see you soon! Enjoy this little thing (sorry if a lot of words repeat each other)

Drink your foods, eat you waters, and that'd be all! Love youuu

Helloooo!! Here's a small doodle of both L and Naomiii!! I have read the novel, in fact, I own a physical novel myself. It's the only piece of physical death note media I own aside from the one shot manga and a death note a friend gave me for my birthday. It's a great novel!

I do have a Kofi page. In fact, this ask made me update it with my commission prices and change the overlay because I haven't changed it in years. I've barely used it lmao.

Kofi link.

Also, here's a wip inspired by this ask, so thank you for the inspo!! Happy holidays!!