ok so as to remain in the hang of blogging, I’m insisting on posting every single therapy session just because.

This week was honestly not DBT related. Last week, I put a bid in on a house and now my anxiety is on overload because I’m scared to crash and burn (aka lose my job, lose the house, and decrease my credit score.) So my therapist and I discussed options.

Good news: I have 6 months of mortgage saved up and my work would be required to pay me unemployment. The house is completely updated and would be easy to resell. The house has four bedrooms so I can easily rent rooms out.

Bad news: anxiety continues to spiral out of control.

So, I was going through FB like two minutes ago and came across this post:

Last week at therapy, I told my therapist I was interested in doing the Radical Acceptance piece. She looked at me like I done lost my marbles, but I feel it’s a very important part of DBT but also just living as well. The Radical Acceptance portion has to do with allowing things to happen, and acknowledging what you’re in control of versus what you’re not able to control. It’s understanding that things happen but you are the only one who can choose how it affects you.

I’ve never learned boundaries. You can ask any of my friends or exes, whatever. When boundaries are established *for* me, I feel it’s a personal attack.

Last night, I attended a wedding for a coworker who was getting married where my ex-boyfriend had gone to college back in 2015. I’ve never been to the campus, I didn’t think much of it. Upon arriving, I felt so insecure, irritable, worthless, and emotional (which then turned into me feeling numb.) The Negative Nancy in my head was like “he gave you up for this; you weren’t good enough” etc. I felt like I was drowning in so much mental negativity.

The wedding was absolutely beautiful, hot but an experience nonetheless. At the reception, my co-worker’s boyfriend sat next to me. There were things he kept doing that just reminded me of my ex, so it’s like I couldn’t escape it. I became so exhausted. All my coworkers took note of how noninteractive I was. I tried to force interactions but I kept tearing up. I don’t think this was a situation I could’ve ever prepared myself for. I left just before it was time to eat. I told my coworkers that I was going to head home since it was an hour and a half drive, because I felt that was better than just disappearing but then they all started asking questions. I kept insisting I was fine. I was then distracted with trying to find my way to my car, that all my emotions eased for a second. I entered the parkade and broke down as I made the trip three levels down.

I got into my car and was venting to myself about how forced so many of my interactions are with people I pursue, and how I miss the feeling of it being organic. I told myself I need to learn to start thinking of myself and what *I* need and want, instead of trying to make others happy because, time and time again, I’m the one who ends up hurt. And for what? All it does is lower my self esteem and my self worth. But I know I’m worthy.

I deserve the love that everyone else gets to experience. I’m angry, nonetheless, that my family never taught me how to love myself. I spent the night Googling “what does it mean to love yourself? How to fall in love with yourself?” etc., and it honestly seems like the most simplest of things. However, I remained insecure as fuck the entire drive home. I thought about how I just wanted to delete all my dating sites and focus on me. I lost 40lbs last year, and have gained about 15lbs back. I feel disgusted with myself. I keep making excuses to fuck up, despite knowing how junk food makes me feel: migraines, nauseous, tired, and not really energized. I also freaking hate fast food, but I can’t stop.

I started thinking back to all the pressure I’ve put on myself since I was a child. I need to take care of my brother; I need to be financially secure; I need to be married by 23; I need to have a kid before 30, and then I realized... I don’t. I don’t want to get married. Sure, I want kids someday but 30 isn’t a bad age to have them, and I’m not in a place to have kids right now anyway. I need to stop putting myself through the ringer for this bullshit.

I think the saying “you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself” is complete bullshit. I feel that your ability to love others proves you’re capable of loving yourself. I’m happy with who I am as a human being overall. Sure, I fuck up and do shitty things but that’s because I’m not perfect and I’m learning.

So, last night was almost like establishing a boundary for me: I wasn’t in a good state of mind, so I needed to go. I needed “me time” to process how I was feeling. I want to be in love someday; I’m 27 and have yet to experience it. However, I don’t think it’s something I’m ready for.

I thought last night about how I’d much rather work on being healthier again, doing things with my brother, and doing more activities that make me happy. I’m writing this all out as a way to hold myself accountable.

You know what’s beautiful about crying? It’s a response to any sort of emotion that the body can experience. Happy? Cry. Sad? Cry. Mad? Cry (and fight the bitch.)

But you want to know what’s also taboo? Crying. Why? Because emotions are viewed as weak, and I need to prove I’m strong to deal with the bullshit that surrounds me. I had overcome with the urge to cry, for no particular reason. My thought was “You just told yourself you needed a good cry, go to the bedroom” because how *dare* anyone see me be human and have an emotional response.

Crying is almost like allowing and experiencing the negativity leave the body. There’s so much relief after you cry (and so relaxed that you want to nap, lol...).

Despite knowing all of this, I still chose to stay in the living room with my family, contain my emotions (physically), and chose to write this instead.

The craziest thing happened during my therapy session this past Monday. My therapist has me journaling prior to sessions and I spent all of the previous week journaling about vulnerability; how it makes me feel, why I avoid it, etc. But the realization of my issue regarding vulnerability appeared during my session. I avoid vulnerability because that’s how I was raised. We didn’t share our feelings without being laughed or mocked. I’m a very sensitive person and always feel guilty whenever I hurt someone’s feelings (my mom or stepdad’s), but I don’t apologize because they probably wouldn’t take me seriously, or they’d be like .... what the fuck? Hashtag confused.

I can’t remember what else all happened in that session so onto this week~

Today’s session consisted of me talking about how my symptoms are better again, and how I feel more motivated. I spoke with my therapist about how my psych put me on Prozac, alongside my Wellbutrin and how he made the comment that I’m not ready for DBT. My therapist’s jaw dropped. She asked me if he knew that DBT is the only proven practice to help clients with BPD. I said I wasn’t sure, but that I got an attitude with him and stated how CBT hasn’t worked after 6 years, and I wasn’t going to continue with it. Also, when someone is symptomatic and needs a break to help ease the feeling of being overwhelmed, why the hell would you say that? If anything, that just means I need DBT more.

So, today, we opened the book again and I went over what I decided for the distraction chapter (which I will post sometime this week.) We discussed how I have issues with doing things alone; I’m fine when it comes to bike riding, going on walks, but you will never see me out bowling or at a movie by myself. I said I didn’t understand how people could go to things that are typically for socialization alone. She stated how people are comfortable alone, and how they know other people won’t always be around. Touché, doc! She recommended I compile a list of things that I would actually do based on my means, and what I’ve done in the past. I discussed how I’ve always been into dance but was never actually on a dance team. I stated how I’d been interested in joining this dance club since the beginning of the year, and registered at least three times but always cancel the week of. She gave me the goal for next week to download the app and go over the calendar.

As mentioned in other posts, my impulsive behaviors are sex and shopping. I stated how I thought the shopping thing was just a phase, but realized once I hit rock bottom last week that I still use shopping as an outlet and then regret it sometime later. I discussed how I have limits for myself; I won’t use my credit cards or max out my debit card on my binge spree. She recommended I start acknowledging how I feel when I’m leaving the store with these items; do I think of how cute I’m gonna look in a new outfit or what? To be honest, half the time I’m thinking about how I’m going to return the item within the next week (LOL!)