#crush?

I have a crush on my coworker that’s younger than me and I kinda feel like I’m going insane bc he’s reciprocating and I keep getting the urge to remind him how serious the age I’m turning is.

He’s soooooo baby. Like he’s so young I genuinely need him to tap back into reality. Is it bad that the age isn’t the thing that’s stopping me from letting this go any further?

Bc he’s legal but it’s just he’s SO young like 😭😭😭😭 and I keep having to ask wth could he possibly see in me. Why do my coworkers always do this… like it’s not a forced proximity trope.

You’re allowed to like ppl outside of our workplace. I genuinely cannot grasp how he would be attracted to me 😨 and yet it’s giving like middle school crush, ewww.

I’m actually too old for these kinds of feelings for someone whose prefrontal cortex isn’t developed yet. My idea of how young is too young is if they’re younger than my sister essentially.

Bc that means they’re closer to my sister’s age than mine… and even then, if they’re in between me and my sister’s age but closer to her age, that’s still too young idc.

I’ve always hated the concept of liking someone younger than me because of how my mom raised me. I’m just used to seeing the man being older in society as well.

But like this is tooo far. It’s just pushing it. I could never see it being socially acceptable to date him. I’d absolutely get judged more than he would bc I’m black, a woman and older.

I can see the cold remarks already. My heart can’t handle that sort of scrutiny. Not over my first relationship. It’s not worth it. I mean, let’s say we were older when we met, I’d probably entertain it.

But other than that, like casual workplace flirting so long as we’re both single. And that’s it. Bc rn I’m so mentally unstable. Like I would go off the rails if even the slightest inconvenience occurred while in a relationship.

I need this time to get myself together. My adhd is spiraling. I just went down a depressive episode. So you guessed it, my anxiety has been through the roof.

It shows at work too. I can’t be myself. I’m hyper aware and self conscious of every move I make. I don’t trust that I’m doing my job correctly. I can’t perform to the best of my ability.

I have such a lack in focus and confidence. I’m not in my element. I’m off my game. It’s driving me mad. Like there’s too much external factors going on. I’m also training a new guy.

But my crush being here has brought some sense of peace in this chaos. Well he’s lowkey also a part of the chaos bc the closer I get, the more I want to pull away and drag myself out of that place.

He’s so well adjusted. He’s got his head on his shoulders. And he’s super brilliant. He knows his stuff at work. He performs better than me on an average day.

He’s a pleasure to be around. And I’ll say, he’s mature for his age. Obviously there’s elements there where I can still tell he is his age. But he’s youthful. It’s exciting. Refreshing.

I think the arrested development part of me is drawn to that. He brings out a playful/kid side of me. Like we literally were playing hangman on our down time.

His voice is adorable. So deep. Monotone-ish however. But it’s grown on me. And he’s so French. Omg some words he says are soooo French sounding I have to laugh.

Every time we look at each other, we blush/smile so hard. Or if he speaks, I can’t look him in the eye. And even if we’re busy, he tries to talk to me to say hi. It’s so cute.

He asks me so much questions like he’s getting to know me. And he’s competitive. But he also wins a lot bc he’s just that smart. Idk man. I get excited when I think about him coming to work.

He’s not always here, so when he is I just try to talk to him as much as possible. But I’m so shy. I try not to hold back however since he is great at initiating convo.

I’m not the best at starting but I know how to carry one on if someone starts one first. I’m good at finding topics related to the one we’re talking about as long as it’s light-hearted.

I just can’t believe he’s even being this obvious and reciprocating. Like does he not like girls his own age? Do girls his own age not find him attractive???? Am I missing something?

He’s kinda nerdy looking/sounding but past the surface he’s exactly that but attractive and has the brains to offer too. Like he’s not bad looking to me but he wears glasses.

I’m trying to think of my first impression of him… and I don’t know if I thought he was just average or was surprised he didn’t look that bad? I’m not into glasses much but tbh I’ve been attracted to all kinds of people and many of them have had glasses so it’s not technically something I can say I discriminate against anymore?

He’s tall and lanky. But I’ve always lowkey been attracted to lanky dudes. Not specifically but ik some women just can’t stand it. Idk something about them is so appealing.

His height is a good amount too. Like he’s could pass for 6’2 or 6’3. I think it’s harder to tell bc he is so lanky… but he easily hovers over me. I always get flashbacks to the time he hugged me at our work gala last year.

It was all my coworkers and I going into the elevator and then he was stepping off the elevator. I was the one nearest to the elevator so as soon as he stepped off and spotted me, he leaned in for an actual solid hug.

I was so shook bc that was the first and only time we’d ever broken the touch barrier. And it was so unexpected bc I hardly had any time to process that he was standing in front of me before I said his name and then he leaned in to hug me.

And he hugged me first so it felt so special. I smiled so slickly after that bc I found that so cute. I had nobody to tell it to then. I probably never will bc just… nobody should know about this one fr.

But that night… idk I think I caught feelings lowkey after that? Bc I searched for him in the gala the rest of the night and was highkey hoping he would come over to our table to talk.

I was too shy to go to him. Plus I don’t even know if he spotted our table at all. I just didn’t know what to say if I went over anyways so I stuck with my group.

We’re having another gala bc it’s annual and I highkey don’t want to go. Literally the only reason I’m considering it is if he made up his mind he wanted to go. I’d go just to see him.

Bc then I wouldn’t be stuck with my old coworkers all night. I eventually ditched them for my piano. I could just stay and talk with him if he decided to sleep over.

Not in his room, let’s not get it twisted. But I’d bring my cards or play a game or something fun to do so we’re not bored the entire night. And the theme is actually masquerade so it’s a great excuse to dress up and look hot.

Genuinely I think I’d be so scared to be alone with him. But he doesn’t act shy when he’s with me. Soo I’d be the only one suffering. Like he just blushes but he doesn’t seem as nervous as me.

I’d have a hard time breaking the ice if we got alone since I only see him so often. Once the ice breaks though, as long as we’re not being heavily watched and in too large or small of groups, I think that’s good for me to enjoy my time with him.

I’ve already made up my mind that I’m 70% not going to go to this year’s gala. The odds of us having a perfect amount of people where I don’t feel awkward or uncomfortable but also it’s not too intimate and then we’re not being watched is pretty much out of my control.

So since I have little control over the environment we’ll be around and I don’t really vibe with my coworkers, I figure I just leave myself out of that uncomfortable situation.

I’ve never been one to do good in crowds. And I don’t want to override what he wants to do if I decide I’m not going out with the others, as I did last year. There was 3 of us who stayed back and played cards which wasn’t all that fun.

The rest bar hopped and ate at a fancy restaurant after. I wasn’t invited l, or maybe I was, but if I was, I didn’t care to go either since we just don’t have that rapport outside of work. Or even hardly in work.