Thinking about the first time I smoked weed with my older sister, we were in my downstairs room, sorta, sat out my egress window, in the little gravel patch in the bottom of the pit, blowing smoke up and away from her dads room, she’d rolled me a joint after I’d struggled with the papers for a minute or two, I’d been too proud to admit that I’d not ever rolled before, I’d been smoking for nearly 3 years at that point but had always just had someone else do it for me,
She grabbed the papers and wordlessly rolled the perfect little J, shot me a smile while she licked it shut and lit it up, took a nice long puff before passing it to me, it tasted like her lip balm, something fruity and artificially sweet, I took a long inhale and nearly died on the exhale, she smoked better stuff than my highschool aged ass could get my hands on,
She shot me a look that read both “shut the fuck up so we don’t get caught” and “you’re adorable” as I choked through the smoke, I passed it back to her and leaned into the metal side plating of the little dugout we were in, it was barley big enough for the two of us to stand in, let alone be criss cross, our legs were smushed together, at first I’d tried to shy away, I was still in the “I can’t be touching women, im a danger to those around me” headspace but she’d smiled at me and told me to just get comfortable,
I’d melted at that smile, her mischievous little smile, we’d passed it back and forth until nothing but a roach was left, and the stars above felt like they were spinning, I don’t remember when or how it happened but I ended up leaning on her shoulder, we were the perfect heights that when I did I went right into the crook of her neck, it wasn’t until I felt her shuffle a bit that I realized where I was, I started to panic and got all red and tried to pull away, but she assured me that it was ok, that it was nice, that she liked it, her and her sister weren’t the most affectionate, in fact I’d seen her little sister pin her to the floor and nearly rip her pony tail off, but that’s not important for this story,
I scooted back in, and snuggled my head on her shoulder and looked up at the stars, we sat there together, in silence for what felt like hours, just watching the sky together, I didn’t notice her arms wrap around me, just one at first, around my shoulder, and down my back, to better prop me up, I told myself, until her other arm came around the front half of my torso, and she was pulling me in closer, closing the distance between our bodies, I held my breath as our chests met, mine not yet budding, hers soft and full, she stared down at me with a look I hadn’t seen before, one I didn’t recognize at the time, a look that still haunts me, somewhere between longing and lust, I think she was the first one to see me, really see me,
In that moment I felt so small, yet so safe, there was nothing but her arms around me, and her chest to ground me, I’m not sure how long we stayed like that, I’m not sure if she expected me to make the next move, I wish I had, but I was so scared then, scared of what I was, scared of what I would be if I did, scared that she’d stop holding me, had I known then what I know now I would’ve closed that gap in an instant, but hindsight is always 20/20, isn’t it.
