#consang

I mentioned incest in a, “my teacher told us incest was immoral so it must be icky,” kinda way. And she turned to me with kind eyes and asked me, “(deadname), what about it makes it immoral if both persons are consenting?”

I looked at her, then at my hands, then back to her while she waited patiently for me to think. After about half a minute I told her, “I can’t think of a reason why it would be, actually.”

She smiled at me and put her hand on my back and said, “Sweetheart, we should always try to be open minded when it comes to love and sex. Just because you don’t understand someone’s love; if it’s not abusive, then what place do we have to judge? We should try to understand, not condemn.”

♫ “I want to live in the in-between, where this love is not about you and me” ♫

I nod to myself, reaffirm myself, wring my sore hands together. I’m going to shed my broken self tonight. Become something new again. Someone worth the love you once gave me.

As the lyrics slip from my lips, you stir. But you merely turn your head to face me. I watch the lean muscle in your neck flex as you complete the motion.

You don’t wake. Good, I was careful when I tied the knots. The corners of my mouth lift as I breathe in for the next line. I was such a good girl, sis. I followed the guidebook to the letter; studied so studiously, just like you do.

♫ “You or meeeeeee” ♫

You furrow your brows at the words and I feel faint. An incredible fondness buds in me. Yes, that’s right, sis. So right, so right. Our bond is so much more than you or me.

♫ “ohhhhhhhhh” ♫

A strand of hair falls across your face, tickling your nose. I brush it gently behind your ear and you smile at me, scrunching your nose a few times as you resettle.

I’m feel like I’m soaring. Or is that the alcohol? Nevermind that, I’ve had far less than you have. Though you didn’t drink much at that party, per se. I gave you something stronger. Something necessary. What was needed and a little extra, for later this evening.

I look up from your bonds and stare at your face. Still perfect; divine, even. My hand twitches in anticipation. I want to run my fingers through your hair. I want to run my hand along your transformed body. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you. A whole two years, sis. Can you believe it?

♫ “you can go left or right” ♫

Twenty-four months. One-hundred and four weeks. An eternity I thought would never end. The thought draws my hand to scratch at the space between my breasts. My fingernails tear at the edges of bandage there. The wound itches but I swear to you, sis. I won’t scratch it.

I’ve I found you again. I have to look good for you too.

♫ “you can flee, try to fight” ♫

I didn’t do well after you ended it, sis. I was half-crazed, disoriented. I lost everything those first few months. I wasn’t myself. I was grief wrapped in a bag of skin.

I couldn’t find you. I couldn’t do anything but look for you. What was the purpose of a job without you? What was the purpose of my friends without you? Of my life?

I laugh nervously through my song. I had to crash with Dan for a while. You remember him right? Tall, kinda lanky? A disgusting incel, but nice enough. I know you wouldn’t approve, but I couldn’t keep sleeping on the streets, baby. And he took the only currency I had. I hope you don’t mind. I washed my mouth with bleach later. I promise it’s clean.

I robbed him blind later after I found sufficient blackmail. So no worries, sis. We’re safe from him. He knows the next time he sees me will be the last time he sees me.

♫ “but I’ll be right here loving you anywayyyyy”♫

Oh gosh, you’re really starting to stir. I know I need to fix myself but I can’t look away. You’re an angel, baby. My closest link to divinity. You’re a goddess.

Did you know that I prayed for you when things were at their darkest? When I tried to silence my grief with drugs and sex. When I stared at my bathtub for five hours when I was shaving. You kept me going, sis.

You’re the reason I’m here.

♫ “loving you anyway” ♫

But, sis, you must understand. Wait. Wait no, I shouldn’t make requests of someone such as yourself. I shouldn’t ask you to understand me. That’s something you have to do yourself. Consent is so important.

You taught me that, baby. Remember?

♫ “I’m not concerned” ♫

You yawn and stretch. The way your naked body strains against the ropes sets my loins ablaze. It’s shameful, really, what seeing you again after so long has done to me.

When I saw you again for the first time last month, sis? You were in that coffee shop near the park with the mermaid fountain. The one you always stop at on Tuesday’s and Thursdays before you head to class?

Baby that destroyed me. I couldn’t help myself. I took so many photographs. I was crazed. I entered some sort of frenzy. I got them printed, you know. Even the ones where idiots and fools stood in the way. Dozens of large format prints. Expensive but worth it.

I needed them for my walls, baby. I needed to be surrounded by you.

♫ I take no offense ♫

My desire for you was so strong that I bled that night. It was the first time I bled from down there when I wasn’t on my period. I must say, the dull ache it left behind was so much nicer than the cramps I felt the next day.

I rut gently against your chair at the memory. I hope you don’t mind that I borrowed it, sweetheart. It smells like you. Everything in here smells like you.

♫ if you need someone, want somebody else ♫

I brush the back of my hand against your check, touch featherlight and reverent.

Don’t worry, sweetheart. I won’t ask you to leave her. Whoever she is to you. She means nothing to me. Nothing.

I grab the edge of your seat a bit harder than I intend. It creaks and my hands fly up. Oh I hope I didn’t crack the plastic. You would forgive me if I did, right baby? You wouldn’t hold that against me?

No. No of course you wouldn’t. You’re so perfect, sis. You would take mercy on your little sister.

Oh, I think it’s time!

♫ loving you anywayyyyyyyy ♫

Your breathing changes. I lean forward excitedly in your chair, making sure I can see you clearly in the darkness. My eyes have long since adjusted to the light, but I’m sure you won’t see me for a few moments. What a surprise I’m about to give you!

Finally, your eyelids take a few languid blinks. I cup your cheek in my hand as you wake. You smile and lean into it, filing the space where my heart once was with your affection. You really have no idea how beautiful you can be.

♫ my love is unconditional ♫

Your eyes snap open at the words and, finally, I can stare into those big brown irises once more. I capture them in mind and you stare back, as still as a reflecting pool. I can see my whole future in your eyes.

I giggle with mirth and poke your nose.

✮ Hiya! It's-a-me, Mario! Professional older brother. Adult AuDHD DID system. He/They/Star ++

✮ I don't do discourse at all and do not have a DNI. I'm just here to blog. Anyone is free to interact and remember to block freely!

✮ This is a blog that will be dedicated to posting a variety of my personal interests, as well as posting about my romantic relationship with my brother. Post's will contain syscest, consang, potentially 18+ themes, etc. Be warned.

☆ This a sideblog, I interact from my brother's blog @kitsunelui ! ☆