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posting to give myself credit for doing something very scary! I was walking in circles in the kitchen while I waited on hold and thisssss close to losing my bananas because I couldn't make all the cabinets and drawers close and line up properly, because that one cabinet keeps warping open. but I made the call and got good info and am much further on the project in question! and now I have eaten and tonight I will skate and get the jitters out. can do this!
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having a turtles all the way down moment (putting hand sanitizer in my hair)
it’s so frustrating for me as someone with ocd to try and talk to other people about my fears and intrusive thoughts.
i always articulate my fears as clearly as i possibly can and i rarely feel understood. people usually assume that i fully logically believe these thoughts or things to be true. i don’t. i know logically that i’m not secretly a horrible person. i know logically that i would never do anything to hurt my loved ones. i know logically that whether or not i’m wearing shoes will not effect my relationship with my partners. i know logically that drinking water with the wrong amount of ice cubes in it won’t make god kill me.
it doesn’t matter if i know they’re not true. i fully fear anything that comes up, no matter how illogical. my anxiety is at a constant 8/10 on a good day. it makes me isolate myself, it makes me fear myself, it makes me do everything i can to avoid responsibilities, it makes me relive my trauma, it makes me sob in the other room while my family or friends have fun upstairs. it makes me feel so alone.
someone told me today that they intrusive thoughts are to keep yourself and others safe. this is so incorrect, my thoughts rip my worst fears out of me and tell me that everything is going to go wrong. it is not a reasonable anxiety that must be dealt with, it is debilitating and horrifying and destructive. i was so upset when they said that to me. how does my brain convincing me i’m a monster keep others safe?
I am really really really fucking tired of the “if you’re well enough to do [this] you’re well enough to do [that].”
Reading something for fun does not take up the same amount of energy as doing a quiz.
Running out of compulsion (and screwing over my health even more in the process) does not mean I’m faking it when I say it hurts later or before.
Being well enough to drive to the store for ten minutes does not mean I’m capable of spending 8 hours in a tight space surrounded by people + constantly walking up and down halls and stairs.
Me being happy doesn’t mean I’m suddenly well enough to function like perfect. I don’t need to be howling in pain every second to deserve your tiniest bit of slack.
And I know what’s more difficult for me than you do.
actually i do want to hear all of your ds nd headcanons i would listen to them for hours<3
Okayokayokayokay I stayed up thinking abt this last night so let's hope I remember all of them <3 (read more cos it's not LONG but it kinda is)
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one time at a Burn The Stage film i was pulling/tugging at my hair bc that’s a literal compulsion i can’t help and the girl next to me said “can you stop that it’s distracting” and that’s all i thought about the rest of the movie 🥴
trust - /trəst/
1. firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.
before the island and working at exotic tastes luka worked at a similar establishment called crimson king. it was there he met different vampires from across the state and from different countries. how did a 18 year old boy get mixed up with these creatures? how did such a innocent soul get twisted up with blood hungry m o n s t e r s? he worked a normal 9 to 5 job as a barista before he met him, the owner of the blood bar on the southside of phoenix.
the job was sudden, and luka was hesitant when he found this place but the owner compelled convinced him to try it. relax, love, you’ll enjoy it. i want you to enjoy it. and luka did enjoy it a little more than he thought he would have considering how fear inducing the idea of vampires and being fed from were. where did he meet this man? well that was a good question. it was pitch black out one night when luka left the coffee shop. he wasn’t supposed to close that night but he did. so he was locking up and heading home when someone cornered him.
you’re a pretty little thing, aren’t you? he’s watched so many things on the news about these exact kind of encounters. he was going to be taken and never seen again. maybe not. maybe, just maybe he had an angel looking over him. because when he came out of the shadows and threw his assailant away from him he was breathless - and immediately in love. he took him home, he calmed him down, he held him, he protected him. i’ll keep you safe. and the human trusted him. he showed him his true self and of course luka was baffled, but that was the beginning of something that changed his life forever. something that gave him confidence even if only for a little while. a job where he could be comfortable even if the confidence was fabricated at first.
luka’s wanted connection.
It’s hard to express the kind of skin crawling feeling that arises when I need to wash something. It’s like a physical thing and ignoring it is extreamly uncomfortable. It’d be like someone scrapping a chalk board near your head and folk tell you to ignore it but it won’t stop until you do something to stop it. And then sometimes you’re in a car or at work and you’re stuck waiting and it doesn’t just go away. Waiting doesn’t make it better. I sit in that feeling until I do the compulsion and that’s it. I can try my best to distract myself or do something else but it’ll still be there. That’s why anyone coming at me and telling me I should find the gift in it, or make it work for me or whatever, it makes no sense at all. How is being physically repulsed by my skin until I can scrub it off some gift or magical artistic source material? Sometimes pain is just pain. I’d say most of the time pain is just pain. No one who hasn’t been here has a right to tell me how to get back, or worse how to get somewhere better because of it.
