Why is my love not enough? He had feelings for me. That is unarguable. his borderline personality disorder must have kicked in. maybe he was scared, felt unloveable. scared i would abandon him. so he self sabotaged cuz that was the safer bet for him.
but didnât he see how understanding i was? how much i wanted to take care of him? didnât he see the stars in my eyes, the expression of pure happiness just lying next to him?
maybe he got greedy. maybe he didnât want to be tied down. saw how happy i made him, and figured he could do better. get more. have more sex with others. maybe i made him feel too attractive and desirable.
his hypocrisy. watching my grindr usage. sending me snarky remarks on a burner account. replying âwho elseâ when i told him i loved him. i would have pushed every one to the side for him. i mean that. whenever i used the same tricks he used on me, it became an issue.
& he never said i love you back. started calling me codependent. heâs probably right there, but it takes two to tango.
the fact he has a history of this. dating violence. always preying on skinny young twinks with âdaddy issuesâ. who doesnât have daddy issues. itâs really not fair to reduce love and sexual attraction to that. it is what it is. not one person has a perfect relationship with both their parents. what is the use in trying to distort the pure love and happiness he provided me.
you told me you didnât ask for another chance. you didnât ask for me to give you the benefit of the doubt. harsh, true. am i a fool for giving it to you?
i wonât be a fool for letting you get away with this. the people of your past may not have held you accountable with the law. but i will. im not letting you push me around. break my phone and my heart, and walk away feeling like top dog who can do and have whatever he wants.
you had me big guy. and i had you. those seven weeks feel like a dream that i never want to wake up from. we could have built a life. i wanted so desperately to build a life with you.
you asked how i would kill you when we were joking around about that stuff. i said i wouldnât, because i wanted to live with you. live.
that answer surprised even me. im dark, twisted. have a cruel sense of humor at times. but i donât act on those thoughts. i can resist those impulses. i donât want that for my life. i guess youâre not the same in that regard.
i believe everyone is a good person. turns out people arenât as simple as that. there is part of you that is good. but that part hid away, and someone new is now in your body. i donât know if itâs from your drug use, or bpd. i donât know what it is.
it really doesnât matter to me anymore, since weâll never ever be together anymore. and that is what im mad about most. the fact youâre probably one of the most handsome men iâve ever seen. the list goes on the ways you turned me on.
we were such a good match. but now itâs over. and you ruined all chances of there being something more. and thatâs what makes me want to hate you. i wish i could hate you.
my error was thinking you wanted better for yourself. my error was assuming we had similar goals and outlooks on life. in many ways we did. and the fact you were such an asshole kinda turned me on. but youâre vicious and cruel, even to someone who loves you.
i donât know what went wrong to make you this way. i wish i knew. i wish i could change it. i wish i could go back in time, and prevent whatever happened to make you this way.
you were my dream. and now youâre my nightmare. and i hate the idea that now iâm gonna have to spend my life with somebody else. if i survive you. and that we didnât get enough time together.