#lxli

I really really wish someone would just be nice and patient with me for once, I hate falling for people's fake kindness just so they can get into my pants yet another part of me craves being needed in that way, just wish they'd make me feel like they need me more and not just for something sexual. I hate always feeling like I'm walking on eggshells and always having heavy chest pain while it also being hard to breathe just because of anxiety and being afraid his reaction will suddenly change over something so small, I watered his mom's and my new strawberry plant for the first time, excitedly came in and told him about it and he was like "okay? Want a trophy or something?" Then once I said that was mean he got super defensive saying he was just joking and also added on that not much effort goes into watering plants anyway. Point wasn't even "hey look i just did sooo much work watering plants" I was just excited over my strawberries cause I've never grown anything myself before. Stuff like this happens so many times everyday between us and it's honestly ruining my mental health, I'd just leave but im pretty much trapped here. My family lives across the country for the summer and I don't have anywhere else to go, I also work at the same place as him and really don't want to quit my job because I make good money and actually enjoy working there. So even if I did find a way to leave I would still have to find a place to live in the same city I live in now which is kinda hard. I've been thinking about possibly having a child someday too which I've never ever thought about before, in fact always hated the idea but here recently I really want one. I just don't think it's a good idea to raise a child with him, really starting to think my only way out is just completely ending my shit, I have alot of psych meds that I have saved up over time and if that doesn't work I just plan to use a bullet, suicide has been literally the only thing I can really think about here recently, I've really struggled with mental health stuff in the last and have attempted but survived so I have some anxiety about trying again and it failing, I also belive in the possibility of quantum immortality do really what's the point lol. I really don't know what to do, again I just really wish someone would be nice, slow, and patient with me instead of making me feel like shit all the time