#cluttered thoughts

For a moment my eyes stare at your name on my phone.

But I can’t call if I wanted to be heard.

I can’t send a text even if I wanted to.

I wanted to say I miss you. I miss us.

I wanted to ask if you ever loved me.

But then I stop.

Because I knew all your answers already.

I knew you don’t care. And that you never will.

And it always sinks in.

That silent, crushing weight

Like drowning in air

Like screaming without pressure in your lungs

Not a strain in your throat

And the worst part of it all

Is that I still want to try knowing I can’t

there’s no pigmentation to the things I want, just a little touch leaves a stain of uncertainty. Life has no spark nor any touch of light. everything is absolutely lonesome.

I feel locked inside my head, my heart hammering silently as the beat accelerates in a pace so ferociously. The pattern it thumps in is reckless and uncoordinated. it makes me feel more disoriented every passing day. you see one day feels so good and ideal— I would almost think I’m headed to a quintessential life. But the next day quickly comes in a manner so startling. it makes the efforts of yesterday feel worthless. It makes me lose more and more hope that I’ll never be able to escape this continuous cycle.

everything I’ve wanted to say can never be release cause I’m so stuck in my head.

and everything I’ve wanted to be I couldn’t be cause I let people get in my head.

you see I don’t know how to fix myself nor others, and I can’t try to fix anything when I’m tiptoeing between the thoughts and words scattered around in my head. one day I feel completely heartless and broken— careless about the world around me and how it revolves with people around me who go through the same or even worse shit as me. then some days I see everyone and just want to hug them and be surrounded by them— like a complete empathetic and outgoing person. maybe that’s why I have an identity issue.

I hear the things people say at my job, and I’ve come so good at reading faces that I know what they mean. Cause I’m an observer. I watch the things people do and say, the little habits and little voices they mutter under their breath. i notice it all. and that makes me so much more of a coward honestly. It’s why I stay stuck inside, it’s why I don’t gather with these people as if they are my best friends. They could never be.

part of me judges them on my own, but I don’t judge their whole life or choices. I usually tend to judge they treat others. at my job a lot of people will be very sincere and close with one person for a split second— trying to get to know their personal lives. but the moment they’re with other people here, they start talking. it’s honestly nothing but the telephone game here at work. and it sucks. a bunch of grown ass women talking shit about other women. fucking great.

as much as being alone sucks, I’ll stick to myself. well my co worker is pretty cool to be with. i just prefer being alone. still, she’s a really great person to have around as company.

anyways, I hope the phase I’m in at the moment can quickly pass and I can be faced with a new chapter in my life. i don’t want to end May by saying “this month was the same as the previous ones”. i really don’t.

I had an empty childhood. I always feel like there’s someone trapped inside of me, trying to claw itself out of me when I stare or think about the things that I never got to have or keep.

I can’t think of summer vacations, just three months staying trapped inside a home. And I’ll never be able to tell people about fun vacations as a kid— cause they never happened. I can only think of my bicycle that I rode every morning and afternoon, riding around the whole neighborhood. I think a bicycle gave me more company and loyalty than anybody when I was a kid. The neighborhood had a public park, even then, the playground is a restrictive area. A place where I went alone, and is a place that I cannot face today. Swing sets creak so ugly, and slide squeak against friction that causes me to flinch at times. I remember begging my mom whenever she was free to come with me, her response was always deflating. And when I’d ask my siblings, they’d only tease me to go find friends of my own. All I ever wanted was someone to watch me ride my bike, join me on the playground and walk around the creak that was hidden just behind the park. But I was always alone. loneliness. The only feeling I know best. I know exactly how it feels when it settles, but it creeps differently everytime.

I’ve lost more than just happy memories and people who I wanted to stay. I lost a childhood, innocence. I lost hope and expectations. I dehydrated into something unloving, and became dry as the soil beneath the earth.

all my life I’ve felt so small and useless, lonely and tired. Yeah, I’m tired. I want to rest. I want to go away finally, and just be alone for eternity cause for some reason I just think that’s my purpose. Never the less, I want to build myself into a strong person. But I always return to building guilt and shame in myself.

Thank you, to anyone who ever listened. Thank you for reading my apologetic and embarrassing life stories. Thank you for hearing me when no one else will. I’m thankful really .

I’ve allowed many past events get the best of me and what have I done every single time something happens against me? blame myself.

I blame my personality, my attitude, my blunt feelings. I blame the way I tell how I’m feeling truthfully even if it sounds harsh. I blame my past and blame everything about myself. I’ve allowed my kindness to come off too easily that I become super vindictive once I feel like I don’t get back what I’ve given. I mean, how could I possible continue being that way when all it’s ever done was have someone think they can overpower me. One thing they forgot, I’ve been through this before and I’m quit numb to it now.

sometimes I blamed myself for people walking out of my life— blaming my traits and habits, that maybe I was the one who did everything wrong for the person who left to do what they did. but no more— you’re choices are made in your own hands and don’t gaslight me and use who I am as a person to defend your own reasonings and thoughts that are only harming Y O U !

Just because I show my strength’s visibly, don’t try to use my weakness to bring me down. you could’ve made all these choices long ago, but choose to do it when it’s a vulnerable time and that is such a manipulative thing to do.

I will no longer seek the people who push me away, I’ve done it enough and I’m tired. I want to seek out for the people who truly keep it real with me and don’t hold back in front of me cause of my “blunt” feelings. i want to blame myself for my previous friendship sinking, but this one has nothing to do with me and it’s not my fight anymore. It stopped being something worth fighting for once I was addressed as so many cruel names and basically shown my feelings on my side of the story had no validation. If you expect someone to hear your thoughts, listen to theirs. definitely not fighting for a relationship to stand if the other can’t even listen to your side and only wants you to reason with theirs.

leaves pressed within the heavy pages of a book.

flowers with a salty tang, blossoming on paper airplanes.

shattered glass, on a grey sky,

and,