#screaming thoughts

For a moment my eyes stare at your name on my phone.

But I can’t call if I wanted to be heard.

I can’t send a text even if I wanted to.

I wanted to say I miss you. I miss us.

I wanted to ask if you ever loved me.

But then I stop.

Because I knew all your answers already.

I knew you don’t care. And that you never will.

And it always sinks in.

That silent, crushing weight

Like drowning in air

Like screaming without pressure in your lungs

Not a strain in your throat

And the worst part of it all

Is that I still want to try knowing I can’t

All I wanted from the very beginning was to purely and genuinely learn to love, all with you being my reasoning. I wanted to openly explore the sweet feelings love has to offer; tasting every moment with a open heart.

And in the end maybe it wasn’t my fault, but I still ask myself what I could’ve done differently. I sit with the stillness of your silence and allow it to weight heavily. And really, I wish I could wipe you out of my memory and mind; it would help me feel less insane and less fixated on you even though you're not a part of my life anymore.

Am I stupid for still holding onto hope?

Do I look desperate for wishing that maybe you're awake at night with the heavy weight of guilt sitting on your chest as you think of me. Is it stupid to hope I'm all you're thinking about when you're alone?

I really do wonder if things around you flood your thoughts and remind you of me. and that maybe you miss me. even just a little.

When do these thoughts go away? when do I get to go on with my life without thinking about how yours is going. Am I ever going to allow myself to stop thinking about what I did when I was with you or what I could've done differently. It really sucks. so so much.

there’s no pigmentation to the things I want, just a little touch leaves a stain of uncertainty. Life has no spark nor any touch of light. everything is absolutely lonesome.

I feel locked inside my head, my heart hammering silently as the beat accelerates in a pace so ferociously. The pattern it thumps in is reckless and uncoordinated. it makes me feel more disoriented every passing day. you see one day feels so good and ideal— I would almost think I’m headed to a quintessential life. But the next day quickly comes in a manner so startling. it makes the efforts of yesterday feel worthless. It makes me lose more and more hope that I’ll never be able to escape this continuous cycle.

everything I’ve wanted to say can never be release cause I’m so stuck in my head.

and everything I’ve wanted to be I couldn’t be cause I let people get in my head.

you see I don’t know how to fix myself nor others, and I can’t try to fix anything when I’m tiptoeing between the thoughts and words scattered around in my head. one day I feel completely heartless and broken— careless about the world around me and how it revolves with people around me who go through the same or even worse shit as me. then some days I see everyone and just want to hug them and be surrounded by them— like a complete empathetic and outgoing person. maybe that’s why I have an identity issue.

I hear the things people say at my job, and I’ve come so good at reading faces that I know what they mean. Cause I’m an observer. I watch the things people do and say, the little habits and little voices they mutter under their breath. i notice it all. and that makes me so much more of a coward honestly. It’s why I stay stuck inside, it’s why I don’t gather with these people as if they are my best friends. They could never be.

part of me judges them on my own, but I don’t judge their whole life or choices. I usually tend to judge they treat others. at my job a lot of people will be very sincere and close with one person for a split second— trying to get to know their personal lives. but the moment they’re with other people here, they start talking. it’s honestly nothing but the telephone game here at work. and it sucks. a bunch of grown ass women talking shit about other women. fucking great.

as much as being alone sucks, I’ll stick to myself. well my co worker is pretty cool to be with. i just prefer being alone. still, she’s a really great person to have around as company.

anyways, I hope the phase I’m in at the moment can quickly pass and I can be faced with a new chapter in my life. i don’t want to end May by saying “this month was the same as the previous ones”. i really don’t.

I’ve allowed many past events get the best of me and what have I done every single time something happens against me? blame myself.

I blame my personality, my attitude, my blunt feelings. I blame the way I tell how I’m feeling truthfully even if it sounds harsh. I blame my past and blame everything about myself. I’ve allowed my kindness to come off too easily that I become super vindictive once I feel like I don’t get back what I’ve given. I mean, how could I possible continue being that way when all it’s ever done was have someone think they can overpower me. One thing they forgot, I’ve been through this before and I’m quit numb to it now.

sometimes I blamed myself for people walking out of my life— blaming my traits and habits, that maybe I was the one who did everything wrong for the person who left to do what they did. but no more— you’re choices are made in your own hands and don’t gaslight me and use who I am as a person to defend your own reasonings and thoughts that are only harming Y O U !

Just because I show my strength’s visibly, don’t try to use my weakness to bring me down. you could’ve made all these choices long ago, but choose to do it when it’s a vulnerable time and that is such a manipulative thing to do.

I will no longer seek the people who push me away, I’ve done it enough and I’m tired. I want to seek out for the people who truly keep it real with me and don’t hold back in front of me cause of my “blunt” feelings. i want to blame myself for my previous friendship sinking, but this one has nothing to do with me and it’s not my fight anymore. It stopped being something worth fighting for once I was addressed as so many cruel names and basically shown my feelings on my side of the story had no validation. If you expect someone to hear your thoughts, listen to theirs. definitely not fighting for a relationship to stand if the other can’t even listen to your side and only wants you to reason with theirs.