#chronically ill things

sometimes i feel the people in my life don’t see me or care that much.

i’ve been constantly flared up, in a heightened state of my baseline, since August, and no one seems that worried or really realizes what that means for me.

my mom and my sibling assume that that means i can continue to do lots of things, and yes, i may flare up, but i’ll be okay in the end. they don’t realize that that flare up may last me weeks, instead of just a couple of days.

they don’t really realize that that flare up could make everything worse more permanently again.

i’m just waiting for one of these days to go by where i have a really bad flare up like i had in August, and i don’t get better, like how i didn’t get better that time.

and what’s that gonna look like for me?

i’ve only improved slightly in some ways since my flare up in August, and that’s just because i’ve adjusted to this new level of misery. i continue through, because that’s what i HAVE to do.

but it’s just infuriating because they don’t realize that i have to be more careful now. that i SHOULDN’T do these things, as much as i may want to.

at this point, i’m just teetering on the edge of not giving two fucks about my health, and doing anything and everything, and mask what happens to me.

i just feel ignored, not seen, not heard. i know they do see it somewhat, they understand somewhat, but also, not entirely.

and i think they don’t realize that i don’t wanna be like this either. if it were my choice, i’d be well 24/7. i’d go to places, i’d have fun the whole time, i’d not have to be so self-aware of my body. if i had a choice, i WOULD.

i “hold myself back” a lot, because i don’t wanna end up worse. that’s all. end of story. i’m not “holding myself back”—I’M MAKING SURE I DON’T END UP WORSE.

i’d like for them to understand that too. to realize just how easy that could be for me. one day, whether i have what i need or not (mobility aids, braces, etc.), i could still get massively flared up, and not get that much better ever again.

i just wanna be seen entirely. heard entirely.

and yes, with the timing of things, it could be the weather; but i don’t think so. i don’t think it is. this was happening before the weather went to shit. and i’m pretty damn sure it’ll continue through the time that winter’s over. i don’t think i’m ever gonna bounce back from that flare up in August.