#cdd introject

I am physically 28, but internally, I see myself as a man in my late 30s, but also I formed as an alter when we were 18 or so and then I went dormant for most of our 20s, so even though I identify as older than the rest, I almost feel like I'm the youngest. I feel awkward and insecure like I was when I stumbled through the last part of high school as a misdiagnosed neurodivergent person who was bullied and mocked for "being weird". I feel like a teenage girl even if I internally see myself as a man nearing 40. I was formed by the brain of a high schooler and since I went dormant for almost a decade, I kinda didn't mature in many ways. It's especially weird being an introject and feeling this special type of shame around not being as capable as your source. I am not some strong man, who can handle intense stress. I'm essentially a traumatised child playing pretend. I'm holding on to so much shame and guilt for being such a poor excuse of an adult person. I feel so anxious and wrong for just existing - just like I, or we, did back when I split off

i'm so fucking scared to open up about myself to friends because of being a fictive of a character they know. like if i say "hi im levi" they will know. i don't want to change my name, because that's just masking again. but i'm honestly embarrassed of being an introject of a popular anime guy and i don't want people to treat me in any weird ways because of that. i just wanna be a guy like any other person, ya kno?

i'm so exhausted by having to mask. i'd wish i was able to say "sorry, we switched, it's levi" and they'd know me and understand the changes in personality that i still struggle with hiding. i would be able to concentrate on being present in the conversation instead of using all my focus on acting like i'm someone else and trying to remember who that person is exactly. i would finally be able to just relax and be myself and it would be okay

maybe one day. but for now, we still struggle with even talking about me in therapy (i'm really nervous about it). our therapist knows and has apparently noticed me (oof i thought i masked better than that), yet i'm still fucking terrified of being seen. i guess that's more common in cdd than not

god, i rant so much. but if anyone reads this, i hope it might help you in some way - even if it's just my personal rambles. i think a lot of alters - not only introjects - can relate to this. or maybe it helps you understand alters who feel similar to me. maybe you're a singlet, maybe you're an alter who doesn't feel this way and struggle to understand the other alters in your system who feel like this