#cd1

That was my last update.  Nearly a year ago.  It would be a year if I’d waited until November to write again. But truth be told, I’m in the same boat now that I was then. I’ve lost over 100 pounds now.  We’ve restarted fertility treatments but we’re attempting to keep it to ourselves.  We haven’t told family.  We have a couple of friends who know, just so that we have some outlet that isn’t each other.  But we can’t take the feeling of disappointing everybody all over again.  The desperate tests asking if the results were positive, if it worked this month.  The answer was always no and as of today, the end of our first cycle in treatment again, it’s still no.  Another IUI, another negative pregnancy test. Another bottle of wine to numb the dashed hopes and the disappointment that I have such a hard time ignoring now.  

I feel like I’m running out of time.  My biological clock is ticking away every day and there’s nothing I can do to extend it.  I’ve tried everything.  I’m going to be starting acupuncture next in a (most likely vain) attempt to relax and open myself up to something else.  It’s just all so disheartening.  

When you’re trying to conceive, every googled question results in baby ads coming your way on a daily basis.  “8 dpo pregnancy symptoms” is searched, and suddenly you’re on mailing lists for baby wipes and diapers.  And your heart breaks every time you are forced to click unsubscribe.  

The doctors are all so positive.  When it happens, not if.  Telling me the ultrasound schedule from heartbeat detection to delivery.  Letting me know I’d be a “geriatric mom.”  Another kick to the ovaries while I’m desperate to feel the kick of my child.  

But there’s nothing more to be done.  I get an ultrasound on day 3, and start Letrozole (yet again) and start all over.  Again.  I tell myself to keep my hopes down and not expect too much if anything.  But it never works.  I symptom spot as soon as I get to 6 days past IUI.  

Well, this morning I finally started my period. At least the waiting game is over.

6 weeks exactly. Which means we are officially ttc. Guess I better order some ovulation tests.

Shit I also need tampons.