Wife To A Saint, Mother To Angels & Rainbows

I have someone on here who has been harassing me for almost two years. It started with getting a creepy message regarding Kennedy. I chose not to share it because I didn’t want to feed the troll. Then a few days later that blog had posted a picture of Kennedy they had saved from my profile- not a reblog, they had saved my picture and reposted it, a picture of her jumping on her bed in a diaper. After that I went on a blocking spree with blogs they interacted with and blogs those blogs interacted with, including someone it appeared they were also harassing but after I noticed quite a few of similar uncommon spelling mistakes in their writings I realized that both blogs were the same person posting. One posing as a victim of their own faked harassment. I don’t know why, but this person continues to make blogs and following me, all under the same catfish persona.

No matter what I’ve done, this person keeps popping up in my notifications. A new blog, a new follow, and new likes. I even changed my name (slightly) in hopes they wouldn’t be able to search me… but just today I found another blog that followed me recently and liked my recent posts.

Posting about Kennedy starting school made me realize I missed posting here.

So update...

Kennedy, she's an awesome kid. She's funny and so damn smart. Her vocabulary is insane and often she says things and I have to makes sure that's what she actually said because it doesnt seem like it would come out of a 4 year old. She so inquisitive. I know its common at her age to never shut the fuck up, but she doesn't just ask questions for the sake of speaking. She wants to know so much about the world around her. Like I said in my previous post she started pre school. Its a 3 day a week program and she doesnt go all day, its mainly for social interaction. I knew when I became a parent that would be a difficult aspect for me to navigate, being someone who has such bad social anxiety that I find it difficult to leave the house... but I didn't know how much self judgement and hatred would be uncovered by this. So I am glad to see her go off and make friend and socialize with kids her age, because she wants to so desperately, and its been severely lacking and I sort of hate myself more and more each day over my inability to just go out and interact with people. (Like seriously what is wrong with me that I feel anxious and awkward around children).

Jefferson, is also an awesome kid. He's also... a lot. He started walking at 8 months and shortly after that learned how much he liked to jump and climb, and he never, ever stops. He keeps me on my toes for sure. He is also 2 months away from being two years old and is completely non verbal. Not one word. He babbles, he says "ma ma" but its never at me. He's never assigned a sound to a word. He scored in the "medium risk" category at his 15 month assessment for autism and will be reevaluated in January for his two year appointment. In the mean time we have an appointment with audiology to test his hearing and then after that speech therapy evaluation. He also has... idk sensory issues. He's always had a sensitive gag reflex, and now that results in him throwing up (not spitting up, straight up vomit) at least once a week. If he cries too hard he'll start gagging and throw up. If he put too much food in his mouth, gagging and throwing up. If we give him food he isn't familiar with and decides he doesnt trust it, gag and throw up (Sometimes without even tasting it). Its... exhausting. We've been told that some kids are like that and he is physically very health and getting all the nutrition he needs so we shouldn't worry. But the cleaning vomit up gets tiresome. However.... he may not very giving will his smiles, but when he trusts you enough to let you in he's the most affectionate and happy kid. His smile and laugh are everything. He's also really smart. He understands how things works, he just doesn't know how to tell us. if he's thirsty he will put his cup on the fridge where the water dispenser is. When he doesn't want to watch something on TV, he'll grab the remote and put it in our hands. Things will get better. At least he's mostly sleeping through the night.

Bill is doing good. Idk he's just Bill. I wish he has more of a social life here. He doesn't seemed super bothered by it though. Maybe because he interacts with people at work. I just want him to be happy.

I don’t post often anymore, but wanted to update Tumblr that Kennedy, the sweet little baby who was all hair and dimples, started preschool today.

Hi guys. I don’t even know who’s on here anymore.

What’s going on with us... not much tbh. Still social distancing at home. Both my parents are fully vaccinated so that’s a huge weight off my shoulders.

Jefferson is massive and strong. He is a climber and seems to have no fear. His language hasn’t quite started yet, still a lot of babbling. Still waking up in the middle of the night and I’m forever tired.

Kennedy is doing really great. She so damn smart and never stops talking. We’ve reached the “why” phase and she’s wants to know EVERYTHING. She’s going to be 4 next month and idk how tf that happened. Time goes by so fast.

Bill is doing great. He’s been working from home a lot which is nice to have him home. We recently started working out better schedules where I can take more time to work on dice. It was just me doing work after the kids were in bed but I was dying from exhaustion.

I fairly certain I’ve been struggling with either ppd or ppa for quite sometime. I put off getting help because i didn’t want to go into an office and the thought of telehealth makes me have a panic attack. Then I run into the issue that making phones calls of doctors appointments is a trigger for me... how tf do you get help when the thing you need with for is preventing you from getting help. I did eventually make the call (and then cried afterwards) and the referee me to a company that was supposed to contact me and help my find someone in my area... of course on the back of my referral it says to call them in I don’t hear from them in 5 days (it’s been like two weeks). Great, more phone calls 😑.

I will do it this week. Tomorrow even. I need to talk to someone. I’m not my best self right now.

It’s been a while, and I am contemplating deleting my tumblr, but I couldn’t let today go by without acknowledging Liam’s 2nd heavenly birthday.

I know so many of you were right there crying along side me 2 years ago. And I will forever be grateful for that.

Take👏🏼them👏🏼with👏🏼you👏🏼

Willing to trade some models for: handmade dice, printed miniatures, or even straight up cash as payment.

Life jackets for a 3 year old.

I am sure you have all seen the myriad of social media post and public statements from almost every brand and company declaring their support for the black community and black lives matters. While this is great, it also allows companies to piggy back off a current trending hashtag and does little to actually support the black community. As many of you may or may not know, the beauty community can often be a toxic environment for Black people. Its just been recently that some brands started actually creating foundations and concealers that had more than 2 “dark” shades. Black women and men are serverly under represented in the beauty community. It’s time for that to change!

To combat performative allyship, Sharon Chuter (founder of Uoma Beauty) has started a campaign for #PullUpOrShutUp. Calling for companies within the beauty industry to publicly release statements with the number of black employees they have leadership roles at corporate level.

Several brands have replied, several have not. The numbers, well aren’t surprising. But this is a chance for those companies to take steps in the right direction. And many of those who are lacking have already pledge to change this. This isn’t a witch hunt, it’s a call for transparency so companies can be held accountable to their claims of “solidarity”

If you will be buying makeup, skin care products, or any other beauty related item in the near future, consider checking out this IG for responses from various brands. If you support the black community, stand with them and refuse to patronize any company that does not respond.

Also support black owned business!!!

So, I’m agoraphobic. I cant talk to people I don’t know, have physical difficulty making calls, I can’t even manage to get my haircut regularily because I’m afraid to make an appointment, I have no real life friends beyond the ones I made in high school, public places are always difficult but if I’ll have to socialize or be vulnerable it’s a straight up no go, I won’t go to a public event if I have to sit next to a stranger. I just generally have difficulty leaving the house. So tbh, this lock down hasn’t changed too much for me. Except I used to at least go to the store (wearing headphones so people will leave me alone) or better yet Bill would take Kennedy to the store, ugh I miss that so much.

Anyways, yesterday I had an, episode? Idk what to call it but my neighbors were doing this social distancing gathering where everyone was sitting outside on the curbs with enough distance away from each other. Bill was outside working on the yard and one of our neighbors invited us. So 5pm rolled around and Bill asked me if I wanted to go out, and I did. I really did and I want to socialize and get to know these people and possibly make friends, but I went out there and just sort of awkwardly stood in the driveway while bill was working and Kennedy ran around. And like, 5 minutes later went back inside and cried. I sobbed. I just, don’t know how to socialize, even if I want to. It’s like asking an arachnaphobid to let a spider crawl on them. It’s awful and I hate myself.

I reached out to my sisters and both of them calmed me down. One said she was proud of me for even trying, the other validated my feelings and reminding me that right now my anxiety and agorphobia might feel worse with this mandated local down sort of, feeding my already established fears.

Kennedy has peed on the potty for over 3 days now. We’ve been at it for 4. The first day was a lot of peeing in her underwear. And Jesus this kid can hold her pee. Because she was anxious to release on the toilet day 2 and 3 she only peed twice the entire day. (And yes I’m am pushing liquids). But she was showing indications that she had to go, so I was having to basically sit in the bathroom or in the hallway for really long stretches, which is less than ideal when also caring for an infant. Yesterday I was so fucking miserable I was texting my friend updates all day because I needed the emotional support. My husband is a man of action, so when I go to him with complaints or frustration he want to fix it. I just needed someone to cheer me on and tell me how amazing I am doing.

Today was a massive break through. She went 4 times throughout the day AND two of those times she initiated the trip to the bathroom and telling us she had to go. This is amazing and no lie, I almost cried. I’m so so proud of her. Probably the most proud I have ever been, maybe because she understands how proud I am. The joy on her face when we are praising her and making a big deal is seriously priceless. The first time she actually went, I was hugging her and telling her how proud I was of her and she said “mommy. I love you. I am proud of me” and... lord my heart.