#broiler

Prompt - Maybe

The broiler is on You left the broiler on It’s so hot when you use it.  It takes 15 minutes to walk to work You wouldn’t be able to run the whole way home You left the broiler on The broiler is still on The blow dryer is still plugged in You left the blow dryer plugged in when you left What if one of the cats jumps up on the sink Stella, who loves sink water,  And bumps the button Causing it to run for hours  And you don't know. And the hair you’ve been neglecting to clean out of the filter on the back Get sucked in and catch fire.  When you used it this morning, it smelled like burning And the cats, Belley, who is afraid of loud noises, Hides under the bed when the firemen come And dies from the fire. You said something rude just now You came off as so weird and slimy and conniving and egotistical and crude And weird and weird and weird and weird and weird and weird and weird and weird They think you are unreliable, that's why They are mad at you. You stink, you stink, you smell because you didn’t shower, you smell because there is something wrong with your body, no one will want to touch you or love you cause you smell, they can smell the litter box off you, you’ve gone nose blind to it The broiler is on You’re really just so weird and unpleasant to be around. They didn't ask you cause they really don’t like you very much. You’re talking too much. You’re going to get in trouble. You’re being loud again. You’re so weird. 

Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash

hi

this one was tough

I think I have mentioned in a different post that my therapist and I have been talking about an OCD diagnosis.

My head often sounds like this, especially on days I haven’t slept well, I am stressed or if I am getting near my period. For a number of years, I have been very overwhelmed by these feelings. It was actually a really bad OCD episode that pushed me to find a therapist.

I thought I left the broiler on after making my bagel one morning. I was waiting for the bus, and I had the thought. What if I didn’t turn the broiler off? But the bus was coming. I couldn’t run back to my apartment and check, and still make that bus. It would be seven hours before I made it back home. I got on the bus. What if I didn’t turn the broiler off?What if I didn’t turn the broiler off?What if I didn’t turn the broiler off? Two stops later, I pulled the cord and rushed all the way home to check the broiler wasn’t on.

It wasn’t, and I was late for work.

That episode was just a piece of what led to a very bad panic attack later that day.

I used to think it was anxiety. I even had a therapist say that it was anxiety. I don’t think I even really showed her how much these thought loops and spirals inside my head. It isn’t just, I’m worried the broiler is on. It’s: the broiler is on, the broiler is on, the broiler is on, and the cats are going to die. Every time.

I have a lot of trouble with electrical appliances. Just like my mother.

I’m not sure what the next step is. Some day it will probably mean trying out some medication. I’ve tried a couple before and didn’t have the best luck, but like I said, we thought it was just anxiety. OCD is a different thing and needs to be treated as such. For right now, though, I think I am coping a lot better than I was when I had that panic attack, though every time I use the broiler, I have to check multiple times.

Earlier this year, I was learning a lot about dealing with OCD, and one of those posts was talking about responding to those OCD “what if’s” by saying “Maybe,” but saying it like Elijah Wood says it in the infamous “Will You Wear Wigs” interview.

I don’t know that it is actually good advice, but I have used it a number of times. I didn’t like the advice at first; it felt so callous to just shut away that worry. After some time, though, I think of it more as showing myself that I can’t ever have absolutes. My head wants 100% all of the time. But that’s not possible. I can’t be 100% sure the blow dryer is unplug and the cats aren’t on the bathroom counter, somehow pushing the button. Thats too many pieces for me to be 100% about.

so

You left the blow dryer plugged in

~Broccoli & Goat's Cheese Frittata~