#blya

Precious: A Valentine’s Day special

Captain Rex both loved and hated barrack inspections for the same reason; Cody.

He loved them because it was a rare opportunity for him and Cody to actually spend some time together without getting shot at, also Cody always had good gossip – the two of them could often finish the inspection with enough time to cackle like a pair of fishwives over their rations afterwards. Plus, Cody always had Rex’s back – fastidious as he is, he was good at glossing over the reports. Heck, even when Hardcase created a small fire in the mess (he genuinely believed he could make a cheese toastie by filling the toaster and laying it on it’s side) – Cody’s inspection report simply read:

Hazard Risk: Canteen, new signage needed.

Though, that’s not to say Cody wasn’t absolutely furious at the men – grilling Hardcase much more successfully than the toastie ever was but, fact is, he made the problem disappear from the records. The maintenance crew however, still hadn’t been able to scrub away the more stubborn scorch marks, and Cody refused to requisition them a new toaster until “that di’kut learns his lesson.”

Cody is by far the best Marshal Commander to do the inspection, less said about Fox’s inspection the better, and luckily it was rare for their schedules to conflict enough for another Marshal to have to fill in. But kark almighty, that toaster story has been brought up at least six times now at 79s - and even General Secura had giggled to herself as she noticed the burn marks in their mess hall. Undoubtedly, Bly had relayed the story and she’d probably accompanied Bly’s inspection for the opportunity to see more of the 501st being, well, the 501st.

It was embarrassing enough for Rex to be the one in charge of the most infamous legion in the entire frigging GAR, but the fact that it was a perfectly justified label – with more and more evidence stacking every single day? It was bloody mortifying.

His General was no help. No help at all, when he wasn’t instructing Commander Tano to throw Rex off of buildings, he was more than happy to encourage whatever the fuck Fives, Jesse and the worst of them got up to. It’s a good job Rex liked his buzzcut otherwise he’d be tearing his hair out by now. Yet, he stilled loved his men, even he had to admit that karaoke night had been fun…and that time they’d locked Lieutenant Vaughn in the storage cupboard with Dogma and 3PO was hilarious.

Still, if they could cut him some slack and behave just for once, that would be perfect. But no, they just couldn’t could they? For all Rex’s efforts and last night’s words of warning, he’d marched to the barrack’s at 7am sharp hoping – nay praying for a legion of polished, armoured, disciplined soldiers standing to attention by immaculately made beds…and what did he get? Chaos. Utter chaos.

Nala Se would be weeping if she twisted her long neck over from Kamino and saw her creation now. One of the highest success rates in the GAR and fucking look at them, squabbling, pecking and jeering at each other like a group of drunken Kowakian monkey-lizards. All of them, every single one, apart from Dogma. Poor, diligent, conscientious Dogma was stood at the foot of the tidiest bunk in the room, helm under one arm and pose excellent but, screeching at his brothers. “Calm the fuck down, we’ll get in trouble!”  

Poor Dogma. Rex mused, before turning back to the rest of his troops, glancing at the chrono on his vambrace he could see Cody was due in 13 minutes –

13 minutes?! Shit on it!!

“MEN!” Rex found himself hollering, enough volume to make his face resemble his armour and enough gravel to mean he’d be feeling it at the back of his throat for weeks but, at least it had the intended effect of each man snapping their head up.

Well, at least they have the decency to look sheepish. Rex registered to himself, though he was still seething as he pushed his way to the centre of the huddle.

“I asked for one thing, one thing men! Order, just once…” He spat as he parted the men from whatever they were clambering at.

“But, Captain it’s…” Jesse tried, though he still looked far too amused with himself.

“Don’t ‘Captain’ me, what the kark are you all playing at?! The Commander will be here soon and –.”  Rex interrupted, nipping the excuse before it started though he stopped himself short as he finally carved his way into the huddle, and found Echo.

Echo, looking redder than the Corrie guard and more spooked than a Taunton, raised his humiliated gaze to Rex with a silent plea. Fives however, was still clambering up Echo’s back with determination and trying to reach the package his more sensible ARC was clutching.

“Why is it always you two?!” Rex barked at them, before glaring more directly at Fives who was still wheezing from his own laughter. “And stop laughing!”

Fives, to his credit really, was completely unfazed by his Captain’s ire and only laughed harder. Rex, could feel his blood boiling and looked away from the Domino duo at the sound of Dogma sniffling – a frustrated tear escaping his eye.

“Someone, anyone explain now.” Rex spoke slowly through teeth clenched so tightly that they scraped against every syllable.      

It was Stirling who finally chirped up. “Echo has a package, Sir.”

“Yeah he sees that, di’kut.” Appo snapped.

“It’s full of chocolate!” Hardcase quickly explained. “But he won’t open it!”

“Anyway, we all have packages – that’s what the plastoid is for.” Fives unhelpfully supplied, still cackling to himself.

“Not until I figure out who they’re from.” Echo seethed, ignoring Fives completely - smart man.  

“If you don’t know who they’re from, where did you get them?” Rex asked finally, though the indignation still clouded each word.

Why, why is he letting himself get dragged into this?

“They were under my bunk – it’s…it’s, why is the box frilly and pink Sir?” Echo answered, pure mortification churning his words and tinging his cheeks cherry red. “And how did they know it was my bunk?” The poor sod looked terrified.

“Who cares?! Tear it open, we all want some!” Hardcase demanded.

Fucking children, the lot of them. There is a reason why chocolate is banned from the 501st barracks and Hardcase knows it; the framed copy of Commander Fox’s inspection report was a good reminder of why.

“It’s Valentine’s Day.” Dogma supplied only to be met with a chorus of blank faces, before deeply sighing at his brothers’ confusion. “It’s a romantic holiday. Civvies, regular folk, dedicate the day to honouring someone they love with gifts or gestures – or take the day as a chance to express their feelings for someone they admire. It differs from culture to culture but –.“

“Echo’s got a girlfriend!” Jesse interrupted, unfiltered glee turning his grin predatory.

“Or boyfriend!” Appo snapped.

“Echo, you didn’t tell me.” Five’s accused, his voice betraying his pain far too much for it to be taken as teasing. “We tell each other everything bud.” He finished, kriff, he sounded ready to cry.

“I don’t!” Echo immediately fired back – flailing his hands before running them through his previously immaculate, cropped hair.  

“Well who sent them then?” Rex finally demanded.

Great, he’s invested now. He should not be encouraging this.

Rex wasn’t an idiot, he knew some of the clones had sweethearts and he’d seen enough of Skywalker, trotting behind Senator Amidala’s polished heels to recognise adoration bordering on obsession. Bly and General Secura were fooling no one, Fox blushed redder than his armour every time Senator Chuchi was mentioned, Gree had that sweet medic with the lisp in his voice – heck, even Neyo was rumoured to be chasing a brunette mechanic around his cruiser. Then Cody, stars, Cody would kriff anything with a pulse.

Cody. 7 minutes till Cody arrives, likely punctual as always. They had to wrap this up quick.

“I don’t know.” Echo crestfallenly answered. “I honestly have no idea, Sir.”

“One of the Senators? It could be a thank you gift, like what the guard sometimes get?” Stirling suggested.

“We’re not the guard though, and why just Echo then?” Appo dismissed.

“The Wolfpack are on leave – they have a really sexy communications officer – “ Hardcase started with a side grin.

“Are you out of your mind?! Echo isn’t suicidal! Wolffe would bite him if he tried that!” Jesse interjected with a look of panic.

Echo, to his credit hadn’t entertained a single suggestion, but he did slink down to his bunk with his head in his hands. Rex couldn’t tell if Echo was embarrassed for himself or just done with his brothers’ antics but, his face was pale beyond recovery.

Fives, protective twin but still a sheb, offered his bother a comforting pat on the shoulder before supplying his own estimation. “Could be Gus? That burly mechanic who helps with the nose art sometimes.”

“Nah, pretty sure Kix and him have something solid going.” Vaughn replied.

“Awww, good for them.” Hawk exclaimed dreamily.

“Focus men!” Rex snapped. “Anyway where is Kix – and Tup?” Rex demanded, twisting his body as he looked dartingly around the barracks.

“Med-bay, Tup’s helping Kix do one last spot check.” Came Dogma’s clipped, automatic response.

“Well at least some of you are preparing, the Marshal Commander is due any minute!” Rex growled, teeth scraping once more. And then, as if by some miracle or curse depending on Rex’s mood, Kix strutted into the room, with a gait that hinted more towards the curse label, as though he’d been summoned by the mention of his name.

Kix’s, normally charming, smile turned wicked as he beamed at the scene before him. “I see you got the admin nurses’ gift, Echo.”

“A-admin nurses?” Echo asked, head shooting up from his hands with a dumbstruck look.

“They’re all like - in their fifties!” Five’s screeched, mouth completely hanging agape.

“Actually, Karen is sixty-two.” Dogma deadpanned, only to be drowned out by Hardcase’s boisterously exploding laughter. Jesse and most of the men soon joined in, the atmosphere threatening to return to the bedlam of earlier.

“Karking boy-toy.” Appo muttered before continuing under his breath something about the shy ones getting all the cougars.

Kix, wiping an amused tear from his eye quickly amended his explanation. “It’s not like that you shebs! They just wanted to give him a thank you gift for helping set up the new database, they think he’s adorable – call him precious baby Echo when he’s not there…”

“P-precious, b-baby…baby, Echo?” The man in question stuttered bewilderedly and crimson slowly broke through the chalk on his skin.

Then, chaos.

Fives collapsed, literally collapsed onto his brother from the power of his own quaking laughter – ruffling Echo’s hair and making kissy motions at the quieter twin’s shocked face. Jesse and Hardcase had to clasp each other’s shoulder to stay upright, and even Appo and Dogma laughed hard enough for the soundwaves to bounce off of the walls.

Rex allowed himself a single chuckle at the poor trooper’s expense before cracking back into command again.

“Right men! Fun’s over! We have 3 minutes now and for once, we’re gonna get this right! Arcs – bed making, privates – by your bunks, medic, back to the bay!” Rex bellowed, his men snapping into rigid composure before scrambling into compliant pandemonium.

“Lieutenant you can – w…why is there a hole in that wall?!” Rex cried out over the madness as his eyes found a large, fist sized dent in the far right durasteel wall.

“There was a bee…” Hardcase started.

“Cover it up!” Rex fired back, not having time now for the rest of the story, grimacing as Hawk slapped a crude pin up of Senator Chuchi over the offending dent before rushing to join the rest of the legion. With his men now all standing to attention at their neat bunks, helm under arm, Rex could consider them ready for inspection.  

“Do not, I repeat do not, let Fox see that thing.” Rex whispered harshly as he stood centre, just in time for the door to swing open and for Cody to march in.

“Captain! Long time, no see!” The Commander flashed, striding straight over to clap Rex on the shoulder before greeting the men.

Rex barely masked his sigh of relief at the perfect timing of it all, though the sight of Cody strutting up and down the barracks, like an engorged nuna on a ranch as he conducted his inspection, was anything but calming. He was right not to relax too, for Cody soon called him over.

“Captain.” Cody beckoned, waving Rex to his side. “What are those?” He asked, keeping his expression impressively neutral and voice as commanding as ever, Cody pointed to Echo’s chocolates from where they had been left on top of his bunk.

Absolute di’kuts, the whole lot of them.

Silence.

Why, why did he have to get Skywalker? He never should have turned down that promotion.

“They’re…for you Sir.” Fives floundered. Echo shooting him an incredulous look that simultaneously screamed idiot and I can’t believe you just gave my treats away.

Di’kut.

Cody actually broke poise at that, shaking his head in bewilderment as Five’s sheepishly stepped forward to hand Cody the box. Echo looked genuinely devastated, Hardcase pouted.

Cody accepted the rose package with stunned features, and ran a gloved fingertip along the frilled edge until he found a label. “It – it says: To, our precious boy…”

Oh stars above, kill me now.

Hardcase winked at Echo, causing Appo to snigger before poorly veiling it as a cough.

“The men, really admire you Sir.” Echo rescued, though the term was being used very loosely, looking perfectly innocent.

“Precious boy” is going to catch on now, damnit.

“Right…thanks.” Cody accepted, though he did shoot Rex a look before he could carry on with his task, ticking items off of his datapad as he proceeded.

Finally, it was over. Cody clipped his work back on to his belt and led Rex to the side for a quick summary. “I must say Rex, I’m impressed. The beds could be neater and that storeroom inventory needs to be checked more often but, well done. Honestly, I’m disappointed your boys haven’t given me some fun.” Cody congratulated.

Rex would be glowing if he weren’t so tense, though he did join the Commander in a chuckle. However, Rex couldn’t have it that easy could he? As soon as the unexpected praise left Cody’s chiselled, golden boy mouth, in crept Tup.

Tup, terrified and wide-eyed with confusion, waddled – yes waddled into the room under the weight of a giant stuffed Tooka plush. It even had a silk collar, with a heart charm.

Hardcase sank to his knees as tremors of hilarity rendered him into a giggling lump on the floor. Echo, looking relieved that he was no longer the source, joined Fives in collapsing onto the bunk behind them and chortling. The rest of the men immediately following suit.

Grinning so hard that the dimples on his cheeks indented further into his flesh than the twisted scar obscuring his face, Cody turned to Rex. “79s tonight, Vod’ika?”