"Gintoki, you idiot!"

A red-furred streak leaped onto his shoulder, digging sharp claws into his ragged white vest. Kagura, a hyper-aggressive humanoid red monkey with a permanent scowl and a pair of tiny black trousers, slapped the back of his head.

"The tin-cans are right behind us, aru!" Kagura chattered angrily, snatching a candied fruit off a nearby cart and stuffing it entirely into her cheek. "Stop eating cow milk on the job!"

"Hey! Respect the dessert, you violent little ape!" Gintoki snapped, dodging a stray monkey-fist. "Do you know how hard it is to pull off a swift hand-slight in fifty-degree weather? My wrists are sweaty! My soul is sweaty!"

"THERE HE IS!"

A deep, commanding voice echoed over the roar of the crowd. Gintoki winced, slowly looking over his shoulder.

Standing on the roof of a carpet stall, outlined against the harsh desert sun, was the terrifyingly sharp silhouette of Captain Tsukuyo.

Her green blond hair was tied up, her dark guard tunic fluttered in the hot wind, and her scar-lined face was set in a scowl that could curdle cream. A heavy, iron-tipped kunai was already balanced casually between her fingers.

"Sakata Gintoki," Tsukuyo said, her voice dropping into that smooth, lethal register that always gave Gintoki a bizarre mix of goosebumps and heartburn. "Return the royal ice cream and surrender peacefully. Or I’ll pin you to that wall by your earlobes."

"Ah, Captain Tsukki," Gintoki greeted warmly, taking another massive bite of the parfait. "You look radiant today!"

"It’s Captain Tsukuyo, you vermin," she barked. She flipped off the roof, landing with impossible grace on the dusty pavement ten feet in front of him. Her guards fanned out behind her, drawing scimitars. "You’ve stolen three loaves of bread, four bolts of silk, and now the palace’s imported frozen dairy. The Sultan’s patience is thin."

"Look, the Sultan doesn't even eat dairy! He's lactose intolerant, Tsukki!" Gintoki argued, backing up a step and holding the parfait defensively like a holy relic. "I'm doing his digestive tract a favor! It’s a public service!"

"I don't care about his bowels, I care about the law!" Tsukuyo snapped. She lunged forward, her blade sweeping in a low arc aimed straight for his waist.

Gintoki leapt backward, twisting mid-air to land on top of a stack of Persian rugs. "Violent! So violent! This is why no one buys you flowers!"

"I don't want flowers, I want you in chains!" Tsukuyo shouted, her cheeks flushing a faint, angry pink. She flicked her wrist, sending three kunai whistling through the air.

Gintoki ducked, the steel whirring past his silver perm and embedding deep into the wood behind him. Kagura shrieked, jumping off his shoulder to pelt Tsukuyo’s subordinate guards with stolen melons, knocking them over like bowling pins.

"Catch me if you can, dark-and-moody!" Gintoki hollered, tossing the last bit of the waffle cone into his mouth, grabbing a trailing clothesline, and swinging himself up toward the rooftops.

Tsukuyo didn't hesitate. She scrambled up the wooden scaffolding with the agile speed of a desert cat, her eyes locked on the wavy silver hair ahead of her.

Truth be told, Tsukuyo hated how good he was at running away. She hated his lazily drooping eyelids, his stupid wooden sword tucked into his belt, and the way he somehow managed to look completely unbothered while committing capital offenses.

But more than anything, she hated the subtle jump her heart gave every time he looked back at her with that insufferable, crooked smirk.

He was a rat. A street rat. A lazy, sweet-addicted, broke street rat.

And she had been chasing him for six months. Six infuriating months where she could have easily shot him with a crossbow or an axe, somehow always found herself aiming for his clothes instead of his throat.

"Yield, Sakata!" Tsukuyo roared, leaping across a six-foot gap between roofs and throwing her body weight directly into his back.

"Whoa—!"

They both went tumbling across the flat baked-clay roof, rolling over each other in a tangled heap of white cloth, black leather, and limbs. They came to a halt against a chimney, Gintoki pinned to the baked brick with Tsukuyo planted squarely on top of his chest, her knee pressed firmly between his legs and a kunai pressed lightly against his throat.

Breathing heavily, her chest heaving, she glared down at him. A stray lock of hair had fallen out of her topknot, resting against her cheek.

Gintoki blinked up at her. He didn't move. He didn't even try to reach for his sword. He just lay there, staring up into her violet eyes, his heart hammering against his ribs at a completely embarrassing frequency.

"Got you," she panted, her voice rough.

"Yeah," Gintoki murmured, his eye twitching slightly as he looked at her lips, then back up to her eyes. "Yeah, you sure did, Cap'n. You're very heavy, by the way. What are they feeding you at the barracks? Pure lead?"

Tsukuyo’s eyes narrowed, her face flushing darker. She pressed the flat of the blade a little harder against his neck—not enough to cut, just enough to threaten. "Shut your mouth. One move and I'll—"

"Oh, look!" Gintoki suddenly gasped, pointing with wide-eyed sincerity over her shoulder toward the glittering white spires of the royal palace in the distance. "It's Princess Ketsuno Ana! She's doing the weather report from the balcony!"

Tsukuyo instinctively stiffened, her gaze flickering back for a second and blinked.

That was all he needed. Gintoki grabbed her wrists, twisted his hips, and flipped their positions in an instant. Now he was hovering over her, his hands pinning her wrists above her head, his silver curls brushing against her forehead.

Tsukuyo gasped, her eyes widening in genuine shock. They were terrifyingly close. She could smell the faint scent of artificial strawberry on his breath, mixed with the iron tang of sweat and dry heat.

"You..." Tsukuyo breathed, her heart suddenly violently thumping against her ribcage like a trapped bird. "You dirty trickster..."

Gintoki looked down at her. For a second—just a brief, completely idiot second—the lazy smirk vanished from his face. His eyes softened, lingering on the jagged scar running down her cheek, then tracking down to her collarbone.

She was infuriating, rigid, and violently unyielding, but Allah help him, she was the most breathtaking thing in this miserable desert.

Not that he’d ever say it out loud. He had a reputation as a cool, detached vagrant to maintain.

"You shouldn't drop your guard for a pretty face, Tsukki," Gintoki whispered softly, leaning down just a millimeter closer.

Tsukuyo’s breath hitched. "I didn't drop it for her face," she spat out before her brain could catch up with her mouth.

Gintoki blinked. "Huh?"

Realizing what she had just implied, Tsukuyo’s face erupted into a fiery red that put Kagura’s fur to shame. Panicking, she brought her forehead up with the force of a battering ram, smashing it directly into Gintoki's nose.

"OW! MY NASAL CAVITY!" Gintoki howled, clutching his face and rolling off her. "YOU DANGEROUS FEMALE! THAT WAS A DIRECT HIT!"

"D-Die, you shameless thief!" Tsukuyo shrieked, scrambling to her feet, her hands shaking as she pulled three more kunai from her belt.

Before they could resume their standard mortal combat, a loud CRACK echoed beneath them. The old clay roof, weakened by years of desert sun and the sudden weight of two fully grown adults violently wrestling, gave way.

"Ah," Gintoki said.

"Oh," Tsukuyo said.

With a massive cloud of dust and crumbling stone, the floor vanished, sending them both falling into the dark abyss below.

When Gintoki woke up, his mouth tasted like dirt and his back felt like it had been run over by a caravan of angry camels.

"Ow, ow, ow..." He sat up, coughing dust out of his lungs. "Kagura? You alive, monkey-girl?"

"I am dying, aru," a muffled voice came from a pile of rubble nearby. Kagura crawled out, shaking dust from her red ears. "My tail is broken, my ego is bruised, and we didn't even get to keep the parfait."

"Forget the parfait!" Another voice hissed from the dark.

Gintoki turned his head. Tsukuyo was standing a few feet away, her kunai drawn, her dark eyes scanning the subterranean cavern they had fallen into. Glowing crystals protruded from the walls, illuminating ancient, dust-covered piles of gold coins, jewel-encrusted goblets, and terrifyingly sharp antique weaponry.

"Where are we?" Tsukuyo demanded, keeping her distance from Gintoki, though her hands were still slightly trembling from earlier. "This isn't part of the city catacombs."

"Looks like a hoard," Gintoki said, standing up and brushing off his pants. "Or a cursed tomb. Great. Excellent. Just what my Monday needed, a mummy's curse."

"Don't touch anything," Tsukuyo commanded sternly, marching past him. "If this is an illegal treasury, it belongs to the Sultan."

"Yeah, yeah, hand it all over to the old guy so he can buy more gold-plated toilets," Gintoki scoffed. He kicked a random copper teapot sitting on a stone pedestal. "Look at this junk. Not even a single jump magazine in sight."

"Hey! Don't kick the artifacts!" Tsukuyo yelled, stomping over and snatching the teapot. "Show some respect for—"

"OW! Stop rubbing it, you hag!"

A high-pitched, incredibly nasal voice suddenly echoed through the cavern.

Tsukuyo dropped the teapot with a shriek. The spout began to spew thick, bright blue smoke that smelled vaguely of hair gel and cheap detergent. The smoke swirled higher and higher, coalescing into a massive, floating blue figure wearing thick rimless glasses, a blue vest, and a distinctly miserable expression.

"AT LAST!" The blue figure bellowed, throwing his hands in the air. "FREEDOM! AFTER TEN THOUSAND YEARS, I AM FINALLY—" The genie paused, adjusted his glasses with two fingers, and looked down at them. "...Wait. Is that it? A silver-haired hobo, a violence-addicted monkey, and a guard who looks like she wants to murder me?"

Gintoki stared. Kagura stared. Tsukuyo slowly raised a kunai.

"What... is that?" Tsukuyo asked, her voice tight. "A demon?"

"I am NOT a demon! I am the Genie of the Lamp, Shinpa-genie!" the genie snapped defensively, floating down to eye level. "And frankly, I expected a better audience for my grand entrance! Where are the dancing girls? Where is the fanfare? Why am I looking at a guy whose eyes look like dead fish?"

"Listen here, Shinpa-whatever," Gintoki said, stepping forward with his hands on his hips. "You're ruining the pacing of this romantic comedy AU. Shrink down and tell us what you do."

"DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE I'M A SIDE CHARACTER!" Shinpachi shrieked, his blue face turning purple. "I grant three wishes! THREEEE! But there are rules! I can't make anyone fall in love, I can't bring people back from the dead, and I CANNOT fix your awful hair, Gintoki!"

"Three wishes, huh?" Kagura’s eyes turned into giant gold coins. She pointed at the genie. "I wish for a mountain of sukonbu! And a giant dog! And for Gintoki to pay my allowance!"

"Those aren't real wishes, you stupid monkey!" Shinpachi yelled.

Tsukuyo stepped between Gintoki and the blue creature, her face deadly serious. "I don't know what kind of black magic this is, but as a captain of the Royal Guard, I am confiscating this magical object. Sakata, step back.

Gintoki looked at Tsukuyo. Her shoulders were tense, her defensive posture fully engaged. Even surrounded by ancient magic and a screaming blue genie, her first instinct was to fulfill her duty and protect the realm, or maybe just protect him from getting turned into a frog.

He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "Tsukki, relax. Look at him. He's wearing glasses over a face made of smoke. What's he gonna do, give us a lecture on proper filing systems?"

"HEY!" Shinpachi yelled.

"Besides," Gintoki added softly, taking a step closer to her so their shoulders brushed. "If I have three wishes, I already know what I'd wish for."

Tsukuyo froze. Her head snapped toward him, her violet eyes wide. "W-What?"

Gintoki looked away, suddenly finding a pile of gold coins extremely interesting. His ears were burning red. "I'd... well. I'd wish for enough money to buy a decent house. Maybe a place where certain stubborn, workaholic guard captains wouldn't have to arrest me every time I want a snack."

Tsukuyo’s mouth opened, but no sound came out. The air between them suddenly felt ten times hotter than the desert above.

"Gross," Kagura said, making a gagging noise. "He's pining again, aru. It's disgusting."

"It really is," Shinpachi agreed, floating over with a pair of blue arms crossed over his chest. "Honestly, Gintoki, you've been pining after her for months. Just tell her you like her so we can wrap up this plot! You literally spent three hours last week sitting on a roof staring at her through binoculars!"

"that was reconnaissance!" Gintoki screamed, his face exploding into a colored-strawberry. "And how the hell did you know that?!"

"You were staring at her legs!" Kagura shouted.

"I WAS... NOT!"

"YOU WHAT?!" Tsukuyo yelled, her entire face flushed as she grabbed Gintoki by the collar of his shirt, shaking him furiously. "YOU WERE SPYING ON ME?! YOU ABSOLUTE PERVERT!!"

"I WAS LOOKING AT PRINCESS KETSUNO-ONEE-SAN AT FIRST!" Gintoki blurted out wildly, struggling against her grip. "SHE WAS DOING THE MORNING WEATHER! BUT THEN YOU WALKED INTO THE FRAME WITH YOUR stupid PERFECT HAIR AND YOUR stupid HARD-WORKING FACE AND I COULDN'T LOOK AT THE WEATHER ANYMORE, OKAY?! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?!"

Silence fell over the cave.

Shinpachi slowly pulled out a blue handkerchief and blew his nose loudly. "Ah. The common shonen confession. The chaotic, embarrassing honesty of a protagonist. Beautiful."

Tsukuyo stared at Gintoki. Her hands slowly loosened on his collar, though she didn't let go entirely. Gintoki was panting, his face red, looking everywhere except directly into her eyes.

"You..." Tsukuyo stammered, her voice dropping into a quiet whisper. "You were looking at me?"

"I was," Gintoki muttered bitterly, slumping his shoulders in total defeat. "Satisfied? Go ahead, laugh. Arrest me. Put me in the dungeon. Tell all the other guards that the big bad thief Sakata Gintoki lost his mind over a woman who hits him with blunt instruments."

Tsukuyo looked down at her boots, then back up at his face. What an absolute kinky. The professional posture completely vanished, replaced by a girl who looked intensely flustered and extraordinarily warm.

Slowly, gently, she adjusted her grip on his collar—pulling him down just a few inches until their foreheads rested against each other.

"I don't want to put you in the dungeon," she murmured softly.

Gintoki blinked, his breath catching. "You... don't?"

"No," Tsukuyo whispered, a rare smile breaking through her usual scowl. "It's much harder to chase you when you're behind bars."

Gintoki stared at her. A slow, genuine smile spread across his face, lighting up his lazy eyes. "You're crazy, you know that? A totally violent, hopeless lunatic."

"And you're a penniless street rat," she replied softly. "Now please shut up and let me use my official authority."

She leaned in, closing the tiny distance between them, pressing her lips against his.

It wasn't a regal, royal kiss. It tasted like dust, sweat, and cheap ice cream, but Gintoki wrapped his arms tightly around her waist, pulling her flush against him as if he were a dying man in a desert who had finally found water. Tsukuyo’s hands tangled into his soft silver curls, deepening the kiss until both of them were completely breathless.

"AHEM."

A loud, obnoxious throat-clearing noise ruined the moment.

They broke apart instantly, both turning beet-red and looking back at the genie.

Shinpachi was holding a blue clipboard. "Look, as much as I love a good rom-com resolution, we are currently trapped in a collapsed cave beneath the desert. Are we going to use a wish to get out of here, or are you two going to make out until we run out of oxygen?"

Gintoki cleared his throat loudly, adjusting his vest and coughing into his fist. "Right. The wishes. Genie, I wish—"

"Wait!" Kagura shouted, grabbing the lamp. "I wish for a giant flying carpet made of beef jerky, aru!"

"NO, DON'T WISH FOR THAT—!" Shinpachi screamed.

A bright flash of blue light exploded through the cavern.

An hour later, the sun was setting over the golden dunes of Yoshiwara-Agrabah.

Princess Ketsuno Ana stood on the high balcony of the royal palace, holding a small wooden microphone and pointing up at the sky. "And today's evening forecast calls for clear skies, mild temperatures, and... wait, is that a giant piece of dried meat flying over the bazaar?"

High above the rooftops, soaring through the warm desert wind, was a massive, floating slab of jerky.

Sitting in the middle of it, Kagura was happily gnawing on the corner, while Shinpachi squeezed back into his tiny copper lamp, complained endlessly from Gintoki's belt about the lack of proper union regulations for genies.

At the front of the flying jerky carpet, Gintoki sat with his legs crossed, his arm wrapped comfortably around Tsukuyo’s waist. She was leaning back against his chest, her head resting shoulder-to-shoulder with his, her guard’s hat sitting tossed aside beside them.

"So," Tsukuyo said lazily, looking down at the glittering city lights below. "What are you going to do now, Sakata? You're still a wanted criminal."

"Well," Gintoki said, taking her hand and lacing his fingers through hers. "I figure I'll lay low for a while. Maybe steal another sweets tomorrow."

Tsukuyo smirked, leaning up to kiss the underside of his jaw. "If you do, I'll have to chase you."

"I'm counting on it, Cap'n," Gintoki grinned, pulling her closer into the cool desert night. "I'm counting on it."

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