#biploar

I have decided that I'm going to speak up about this whether people care or not. It's something important and I feel it needs shared. So... please read.

I have Bipolar II. This news is something that is both relieving and stressful at the same time. I’m stressed because well… there’s this thing I have to deal with for the rest of my life. But I’m relieved because now at least I have answers. Because it makes a lot of sense. It fits and it’s so just… relieving to finally know what was wrong. But it sucks. It really fucking sucks.

Bipolar II is awful. People make many jokes about it, but it sucks. You are either really depressed and feeling like the scum of the earth, or you’re (hypo)manic and feeling like you could fight god and win. These states don’t just switch hourly or daily either. You’re in one of these states for days, weeks, or sometimes months at a time before you switch. And that is a VERY general description of it. Plus, it’s seen as not as serious as Bipolar I just because our manic state “isn’t as bad as bipolar I”. We don’t have to get hospitalized for our manic states. But it really is awful.

As I am currently in a (hypo)manic state, I will explain how it is for me. I feel like I could fight god and win. I ignore all pain signals in my body (which is bad for someone who has medical issues like I do). I am running off of 3 hours of sleep and probably will only get that much sleep for the next few weeks, if not longer. I have an extreme amount of energy and am very active (which again, is bad with my medical issues). I am very impulsive. I will do things on a whim without thoughts of the consequences. I can spend money really quickly, and money I don’t even have at that (which then I regret highly later on). There are elements of psychosis with Bipolar Disorders and I do hear voices, which is something that is very hard for me to admit. They get louder and worse when I’m (hypo)manic and are more apt to tell me to do things. Plus, the paranoia that comes with psychosis is greatly increased. I now trust pretty much nobody and feel like everyone is out to get me somehow.

I’ll talk a lot, much more than usual. And with that, I can end up talking really fast, ramble, or even talk so fast as if I can’t get enough words in. My mind races so fast I can hardly keep up (but it makes me feel like the smartest person in the world). I get distracted SO easily. Because of the impulsivity I make really poor decisions. I have a loss of appetite (which sucks because I also have an eating disorder so I am more likely to relapse when I’m manic). I’ll drink more caffeine which is bad because my heart already beats too fast, but for some reason I crave it? My libido is suddenly super high (which can be dangerous, but luckily I’m not in a position where I can be hypersexual).

And this part is a warning for you guys. I can suddenly get very irritable, hostile, or even flat out angry. Before this I held back because I felt something was seriously wrong with me, but it physically hurts and I just can’t anymore. I’m sorry if it happens around you but I mentally and physically cannot anymore. I really am sorry.

I can go on and on about it, and that’s just being (hypo)manic. The depression is just as bad too, but I’ll spare you that.

I just wanted to raise a bit of awareness around this because it’s something that affects me daily and will also affect you because of that. I encourage you to do your own research on it, especially because this is nowhere near as detailed or full of information as I could have put it (which is saying a lot because it’s so much).

I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder at the end of November... following a wild ride of words like “hypomanic”, “manic”, “mixed features” and “psychosis” being thrown in my general direction.

My favourite terms so far are “unwell” and “vulnerable”...

All the same, I feel better for at least being a step closer to gaining stability. Progress isn’t linear, but I’m optimistic.. somewhere deep down.

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