#being nonbinary

Assigned color was purple (and green)

You know that thing in kid cartoons when they have three main characters. A pink one, a blue one and a purple/green one. My siblings and I would always pick which one "we were". I always was the latter.

98% of my stuff animals had no assigned gender and no names. It was just Gold dog, Spotted horse, ect.

I drew flat chested gals and long haired guys (middle school, I still do that...)

At 10 I was like I don't feel like I belong in this body, but I don't think I'd want the other one

I always wanted to pick Other when I had to choose a gender

When I first found out about the term non-binary I was the definition of the "I just think their neat meme"

Hated the boys on this team and girls on the other team thing for gym class. Hated it.

Wanting to use the family/gender neutral bathroom when in a public place

Getting mad when I first realized that the majority of baby shower decorations only came in pink or blue

My baby theme when I was little was Winnie the Poo

Liked partner figure skating because both participants are dressed "pretty" plus there isn't really a lead

I try to think about it, try to remember what I thought and how I felt - which terms I tried and what kind of content I was exposed to. There is nothing but blank spaces though. Here is my best guess.

I don’t think I ever fully grasped the concept of gender at a young age, it made no sense to me and I was so disconnected from reality it was just another abstract thing people talked about. Once I found out there was a term for what I experienced, or rather not experienced, it was more or less “oh, that fits” and just sticking to that.

It wasn’t easy on an internal basis and still is incredibly complex on an external one, but it gave me a sense of security, something to hold on there.

There are people like me, is one of the most important things I can possibly realize, no matter what exactly I am talking about. Gender, orientation, neurodivergencies - I may be a freak but i am not alone.

When I learned about dysphoria, nothing awakened. Just like before, I simply put a name to what I had alway known to be my reality. My name became my name when I was 12? I think? I though and still think it’s a bit bland and too generic, especially in english trans spaces, but it’s mine and I love it.

It took me years to come out to people offline, so far it’s been a few people to differing degrees, but I am working on coming out more or less fully at some point. Coming out is nerve wracking because you never know how the person is going to react.

Will they hate me? Abuse me? Harrass me? Out me to other people?

My uterus: 🙃😉

Me: oh

My uterus: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA motherfuckeer🖕

Me: ...no

My entire endocrine system: Um I broke again 🤐🥺

My uterus: 😁😘

My executive dysfunction: 😶 🤫😏🙂 I will break you 🤗

My fibromyalgia, epilepsy, dyspraxia, anxiety, arthritis: Sounds fun, let's join in and get popcorn! 😇😁😊😁😃

Me: I hate all of you. And now I can't sleep. You're all lucky that the doctor injecting my knee tomorrow morning has seen me dead tired. 🙄

Now to make myself dream about my fictional characters going through trauma. Again.

(Also, husband taught me how to use my crippled body to throw an attacker from behind me, and I can use that. Plus he's showing me defense moves to use with my rattan cane.)

I really should sleep, my appointment is early.

It really depends on who says it and what kind of mood I’m in. But if it’s grown ass adults, I’d probably be like, “Not a gay dude mate.” and be on my way. TBH though, as a butch, depending on the context if someone calls me a guy, I’m too embarrassed to really clap back, y'know?