I've been thinking a lot lately. More specifically, I've been thinking about Regulus and how I portray him.
Overall, I feel like instead of writing Regulus how I wanted to write him or how I wrote him before his popularity exploded, I've instead looked at what was popular and applied it. It's not that I think I have to do so to be popular because, quite frankly, I don't care about popularity. When I write, it's for an audience of one: me. Sharing is something I do because I think i'd go crazy if I kept it to myself. Moreso it got to the point where enough people had the same consensus on who Regulus was and how he behaved that my personal interpretation started to feel OOC.
A lot of people portray Regulus as this tragic, soft, misunderstood genius and a victim of circumstance. There's this idea that all he needed was a hero (James), his brother, or to grow up a bit to see the light. That he wasn't actually evil, but rather trying to survive in a shitty environment and if given the chance he'd have never joined the Death Eaters.
And that's valid. I'm not saying anyone's interpretation is wrong because I fundamentally do not believe there is a wrong interpretation here. We know next to nothing about Regulus. If you prefer this version, all power to you.
And because of that I came to resent all of the stuff I had written on Ao3. Especially the Jegulus fics. There are a number of things I'm reconsidering so I guess I figured I'd write them out?
Obviously I've historically portrayed Regulus as trans. There's nothing wrong with trans Regulus and it's fun to explore gender in pureblood/aristocratic society. That said, I'm not sure I'm portraying Regulus as trans because I view him that way, but rather as a thinly veiled excuse to explore my own gender using my blorbo.
This is fine. Valid, even. A time-honored tradition depending on who you ask.
The problem is, I have other trans headcannons. Dorcas as a trans woman, Marlene as a transmasc butch lesbian, Xenopanda as T4T.
And I view every single one as the gender I'm headcannoning them as by default. If I portray them as cis, I have made the active choice and effort to do so.
Because it's the opposite with Regulus. I don't view him as trans by default and have to intentionally decide if I'm writing him as trans or cis, often viewing cis Regulus as the default.
I also tend not to write Regulus as trans when I'm pairing him with a woman. Not because I don't think trans men can't date women (obviously they can. I have) but because I'm writing his gender to match mine and I feel more masc when dating women.
I'm probably not gonna change my existing one shots where Regulus being trans is integral to the story (The Space Where Love Should Be) and I'll consider keeping him trans for longfics I'm already working on where when story will fundamentally change (The Curious Case ot Plas Celyn or With A Heavy Chain, A Faithful Servant Bound) but going forward, I might write a lot more cis Regulus? I don't know. Only time will tell, if I'm being honest.
Like I mentioned, I've been writing Regulus as super intelligent but... I don't think he is? I've mentioned this recently on my blog but having grown up in an insular community I've come to learn that it takes active effort to unlearn what you're told. I don't think Regulus woild put in that effort unless given a reason to and even then, I don't think he's this hyperaware prodigy. I think he's a narrow-minded asshole with an ego who hates being wrong.
Sure. I think he's a talented musician, very studious, and within the strict confines of pureblood society he's quite clever.
But once you take him away from what he knows? Useless. He's useless.
I think, though he studies often, he's constantly struggling in class and failing tests. In fact, I think he's studious because he's a terrible academic.
I think Regulus is not a good person. Now, personnaly, I do write him with NPD which is NOT a moral failure. But the result is low empathy and I don't think he really cares to treat it. As a result, he can be quite cruel and tends not to recognize when he's being so. He also doesn't think he's evil, he just thinks the world belongs to him and his kind. He'll commit atrocities without a second thought and when he's not doing that he's a whiney, privileged trustafarian asshole.
I also don't think he defected because he realized he was wrong. Not without SERIOUS intervention.
I think he did it because Voldemort damaged him property, because he learned Voldemort was a half-blood with a squib mother, or both.
I feel like the idea that he felt the need to conform to keep himself alive can be compelling, but it's often not and I much prefer the idea of Regulus being groomed into his role and happily accepting the mark more compelling? Idk. Maybe I just like evil guys.
I haven't really narrowed in on how I view his mental health? Like I do portray the Black family madness as Paranoid Schizophrenia and he hasb that. And like I said, I've given him NPD. He most likely has PTSD. I tend to also give him Autism, OCD, and Depression, but idk if I'm keeping those?
For the autism, comorbitity with NPD is relatively rare and the autistic traits I'd been giving him can be explained by NPD and paranoid schizophrenia.
For OCD, there's a significant overlap with paranoid schizophrenia but they can co-occur (source: I have both). Generally OCD involves ego-dystonic thoughts (person knows the thoughts are irrational and dislikes them) while Schizophrenia involves ego-syntonic thoughts (person fully believes their delusions are real). Generally when they present together they are called Schizo-obsessive disorder. This crossover is INCREDIBLY complex. My Regulus def has compulsive behaviors but I'm not sure what I want to cause them so I'm reassesing that.
Considering portraying him as deaf or partially deaf (maybe because of Usher Syndrome Type II or Non-Syndromic Sensorineural Hearing Loss ?), as having Beta-Thalassemia, maybe Phenylketonuria etc. Idk I think Regulus should experience more conditions present in inbred children that are often caused by autosomal recessive genes being forced into pairs (not that these conditions are caused by inbreeding, just that the risks go up if the parents are related). I also think Sirius should not have that much issue & Regulus resents him for it.
I grew up having a very similar dynamic to Sirius & Regulus with my sister. At first we were inseparable, then I moved in witn our Dad and she began to resent me, then we were very hostile until our early adulthood before taking at least 2 years to properly reconcile. I base my Black Brothers off of this but I feel like I rush their reconciliation or downplay the hostility? Overall will be adjusting that.
I'm not going to stop shipping Jegulus. I love it too much for that. But I think I'm going to adjust how I portray them? Like way more toxic, that's for sure. Like an "I can fix him" "please don't" dynamic. I feel like if I wanted Reg to be in a stable relationship I'd just read drowned rat? Like, love Jegulus fluff obviously, but I just don't think they're fluffy or non-toxic as often as they're portrayed to be. Does thar make sense?
Idk, just some thoughts. Kinda got lazy toward the end.
