Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4
This week, a co-worker had an extremely bad allergic reaction. Her body broke out in hives all over and she was extremely itchy and uncomfortable. She had even cried about it, out of frustration and fear. Somewhere in the middle of her describing her experience with it all, she mentioned that if she had to live the rest of her life that way, she wouldn't. I froze.
Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad. Proverbs 12:25
I once read somewhere that HS is not fatal, except in cases of suicide. While I don't personally know anyone who has committed suicide as a result of not able to cope with the disease, I can totally understand not wanting to live this way. HS can be so awful. Yes, it does get THAT bad. I can understand wanting it all to end. Actually, I've been there.
Maybe my co-worker didn't mean it, but I could relate to it all. All of the symptoms, all of the emotions, and sadly, even the not wanting to live part.
But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. Psalm 3:3
While I have never felt the urge to kill myself, I have had thoughts of wanting to die or be killed because I didn't want to live with the pain & shame of HS. I have thought to myself - if this is how my life is going to be, I don't want it. I have wished that a car would come out of no where and hit mine, front driver side - quick and dirty. Of course, I never told anyone I've felt this way. These are the kinds of thoughts that people keep to themselves. There's a stigma around people that have these sort of feelings and God forbid we be considered one of them, right? But we are them. It's a fact: our disease makes us susceptible to depression and wanting to die. That's okay because these thoughts and feelings can be conquered and there is a beautiful testimony to be shared at the end of it all.
Consider it a great joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you experience various trials, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. James 1:2-4
It may be easier said than done, but one of the most important things to remember is that you are not alone. Of course, you have family and friends that love and care for you. Sometimes, though, you just want to know there are others out there who can truly understand what it is you're feeling. There is a large online community of HS sufferers who can absolutely understand and are always there. And if that isn't enough for you, you can step outside that community and find others; those who suffer from other autoimmune diseases or struggle with depression, who you will be able to relate to also. You may even find some comfort in personal accounts and testimonies recorded in the Bible. The Bible is filled with stories of people who waited on God and were not disappointed. There's Job, who was definitely depressed after losing everything but never, ever lost his faith, and was eventually restored fully. There's the people of Israel who wandered in the wilderness for 40 years, but continued to follow the men God placed before them, before finally reaching the land that was promised to them. God made Sarah laugh with joy when he gave her a child in her old age, after for most of her life she believed and grieved that she was barren and could not have children. You are not alone. Trust God. You will not be put to shame.
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. John 16:33
We become depressed not because we have been defeated or dominated by the giant we face, but when we are overwhelmed and controlled by negative thoughts. We know the Word of God says "many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all" (Psalm 34:19), but we also welcome thoughts and lies from the enemy, telling us things will never get better and we will suffer forever. The devil wants to steal and control of all your thoughts and to keep you in a state of depression. Nurture your thoughts of God being bigger and better than your problems. Feed your appetite for the Word of God. The mind is very powerful. Encourage your hope. Increase your praise. Strengthen your faith. "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things (Philippians 4:8).
It's true - one thought of your situation can enslave you and send you down a rabbit hole of depressive thoughts, but it's also true that one thought of Jesus, his goodness, his faithfulness, his grace, his mercy, his love, can lift you out of the pit. It takes strategy, discipline and practice, but when you catch the enemy stealing control of your thoughts, make him pay you back, sevenfold (Proverbs 6:30-31).
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
