Admittedly, I love animes with overpowered characters, or characters constantly surpassing their limits to surprise the fuck out of people, like One Punch Man, My Hero Academia, Black Clover, Overlord, That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime...
I love them, I think, because I wish that was me. One of my OC’s is like that. Overpowered. Because my own body... is weak. It’s failing. It sucks. If I push myself too much just doing regular household chores, I have a hard time doing anything for days after. I used to be able to do so much more.
I wear my armor because it makes me feel stronger. I’m a basket case. Some days it’s just hard for me to breathe, but I continue to push myself. I don’t want to give up. If I give up, I’ll die. I have to keep going.
But I want to sleep... I just want to sleep... I want to lay down and just not move again. Some days it’s hard to convince myself to move, but I have to. I know how much worse it is if I don’t move. It’s bad if I do too much, but it’s worse if I do nothing.
So I guess watching these characters like Asta or Deku constantly breaking themselves to surpass their limits, to do what they know needs to be done because no one else will, or can... serves as motivation for me. Tonight though... I’m just fucking depressed. It’s just so obvious how I cannot be like them, how unrealistic it is to think I can ever make this failure of a body do what I really want... I’ve tried. I’m in pain. I’m tired of being in pain. I’m tired of living like this.
I feel extremely weak, but I have no gauge to know if I am. Some people think I’m strong, some people think I do so much and they don’t know how I do it, but it never feels like enough, and I am honestly afraid of pushing myself too hard, so hard I’ll break myself, again. People can only see a small part of me... of what I do, of what I can or cannot do... I put on a happy face for the world, but this is the only place I talk about how I feel like a failure. As if I could post this where people who actually know me in the real world could see... I don’t need them worrying.
I just want some peace... I want the pain to end. Day after day after day after day... it’s always something more to add to the pile.
But... I can’t stop. I keep going. Too many people rely on me, and I will not let them down. It’s nothing like an anime, no magic, no super powers, pretty boring... but at least I can help make people’s days a little brighter now and then... I won’t be famous, people may never know my name, but I hope I’ll have left a good impression, like my grandma did.
