#arthur aron

Small Talk vs. Big Questions: How to Build a Deep Connection With Anyone

Small talk is nice, but it’s the big questions that allow us to build a deeper connection with others. Check out these 36 “big questions." They will give you great ideas on how you can steer your conversations in a more meaningful direction.

Sensory-processing sensitivity and its relation to introversion and emotionality (Elaine Aron, Arthur Aron, 1997)

“Introverts have been found to be more sensitive to low auditory frequencies, to pain, and to electrocutaneous, olfactory, and visual thresholds. (…)

To us, some of this interplay seems best explained by assuming that many shy or low-social people have inherited a trait that is neither low sociability nor shyness but sensitivity to stimulation.

The reason for their low sociability would be its usefulness as a strategy for avoiding overstimulation.

If they are chronically shy, they might have become so through many aversive social and attachment experiences, but they also might become shy through the following process.

Being more sensitive to stimulation, they are easily overstimulated and overaroused.

The social situations most associated with shyness are groups and meeting strangers, both of which usually involve high stimulation (i.e., high intensity, novelty, unpredictability, or complexity).

Performing worse socially in such a situation (due to the high arousal resulting purely from high stimulation) would lead to even greater arousal and a poorer performance on the next occasion, and thus to a spiral into chronic shyness. (…)

Perhaps the most interesting group for uncovering a trait of sensitivity separate from low sociability would be those who are sensitive but also sociable, through, for example, learning to see social relationships as familiar and a way to reduce arousal.”

According to psychologist Arthur Aron, there are 36 questions that could lead to love. Each question is more probing than the previous one and leads to a mutual vulnerability that fosters closeness. The final exercise is to stare into each other's eyes for 4 minutes.

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen. source

Palavras-chave: paixão; apaixonamento; arthur aron Por Psicólogo Rodrigo Giannangelo | Publicado em 27 de outubro de 2023 Por que as pessoas se apaixonam? De maneira simplificada, conforme os achados da psicologia e da neurociência, podemos propor como resposta que a paixão depende da seguinte conjunção: Atributos gerais de atração; Fatores sociais; Fatores que distinguem entre paixão e…

Instructions – Take turns asking one another the questions; each person should answer each question, but in an alternating order, so that a different person goes first each time.

Set I

Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

Would you like to be famous? In what way?

Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?

Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

What do you value most in a friendship?

What is your most treasured memory?

What is your most terrible memory?

If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

What does friendship mean to you?

What roles do love and affection play in your life?

Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”

Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”

If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for them to know.

Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

Tell your partner something that you like about them [already].

What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Final task / suggestion – Stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes.

36 domande per innamorarsi

Le cosiddette 36 domande per innamorarsi sono una serie di domande sviluppate nel 1997 dagli psicologi Arthur Aron, Ph.D., Elaine Aron, Ph.D. e altri ricercatori per vedere se due estranei possono sviluppare una connessione intima solo dal porsi una serie di domande sempre più personali. L’esperimento è diventato molto popolare dopo che la colonna del New York Times Modern Love ha pubblicato…

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Good Friendships

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